Got Teens? Allow Them to Make Their Own Decisions

BAY AREA, CA – Dr. Michael Rubino, a Bay Area psychotherapist who has worked with children, teens and families for more than 19 years, shares his advice for raising teenagers.
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By Michael Rubino, Ph.D, MFT

Working with teenagers, I hear very often from parents that they feel their teenager is not responsible and they have concerns about trusting their teenagers. I also hear from teenagers how they are upset with their parents for not trusting them and not allowing them to make decisions.

I understand the parents' concerns, but at times they are being unfair and unrealistic about their ability to control their teenagers' decisions.

We routinely tell teenagers that they need to be responsible for their choices and actions. However, we seldom allow teenagers the ability to make their own decisions.

It is not uncommon that parents set rules and curfews for their teenagers. Also with the advancement in technology, many parents have software installed on their teenagers' cell phones so they can read their teenagers' emails or texts. Also they have GPS programs so they can determine where their teenager is and try to figure out what they are doing.

Teenagers are aware that their parents have software programs on their cells so they can read their emails or texts or use a GPS program to determine where they are and what they are doing. This usually makes teenagers upset that their parents do not trust them.

Teenagers tell me, "If they want me to be responsible, how can I be responsible if they do not give me a chance?"

The other fact that parents need to accept is you cannot control everything your teen is doing. You can monitor your teen all you want, but if a teenager wants to do something, they will figure out a way to do it.

Also if you want your teen to be responsible, you have to learn to accept their decisions and the consequences that may result from their choices.

What parents need to do is have a calm conversation with their teenager.

During this conversation, you discuss issues that your teenager will be facing, such as alcohol, drugs, sex and their futures. Explain what you expect and what you are willing to do or not to do. Therefore, they understand what consequences they will face depending on the decision they make.

This is an important lesson for teenagers to learn. They need to understand that their actions have consequences and they are responsible for dealing with these consequences.

One consequence may be that as parents you may be upset with their decision. This is a consequence that they need to be able to accept. Not everyone is going to always accept or approve of your choices. Teenagers need to learn this fact.

It is important that parents learn to accept the fact that they cannot control their teenager's choices. Allowing them to learn from their choices is the best way for them to learn responsibility.

It is also a way for parents to learn to allow their teenagers to grow up and be responsible adults. Yes, at times this may be difficult, but parents need to be realistic that they cannot control their teenager. Part of your teenager becoming an adult is allowing them to make choices and to learn from those choices.

Rubino practices in Pleasant Hill. For more information, visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy or Facebook page at www.facebook.com/drrubino3.

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