Study Finds Home DNA Kits Wrong 40% of the Time

Hunter-Gathers Were Baking 4,000 Years Before Birth of Farming: After digging up pieces from the world’s oldest loaf of bread, Archaeologists claim they now have evidence that hunter-gatherers were baking bread thousands of years before the birth of farming. Yea, but you can just bet there is gonna be someone in the group complaining about the bread because they’re gluten-free

Study Finds Home DNA Kits Wrong 40% of the Time: A new study has determined that at-home DNA testing kits are wrong 40% of the time. You’re telling me. Hell, 23andMe concluded I came from a long line of gray wolves who were unable to color the gray in their fur due to severe genetic allergies to hair dye.

Russian Nuclear Scientists Arrested in Bitcoin Mining Plot: Russian security officers have arrested several scientists working at a top-secret Russian nuclear warhead facility for the unauthorized use of one of Russia's most powerful supercomputers to mine Bitcoins. Lawyers for the scientists say they did nothing wrong and were really just mining their own business.

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Chemist Says the Perfect Cup of Joe is All About the Water: A University of Bath computational chemist says he has discovered the secret to creating the perfect cup of coffee and its “all about the water.” Pretty hard to argue with that because, let’s face it folks - if there’s anyone who would know about the importance of water, it would be someone from a place called Bath.

Republicans Couldn't Care Less What Critics Say About Trump: Despite weathering criticism and accusations of treason over his embrace of Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, Donald Trump has been bolstered enough with a 79% Republican summit approval rating that he felt confident enough to give critics the middle finger and invite the Russian autocrat back to the White House. Great - they can have a sleepover. Word has it Putin has accumulated some rather “interesting” home movies Trump might have an interest in watching.

Scientists Find 99-Million-Year-Old Baby Snake Preserved in Amber: In a first of its kind, scientists say they’ve found a 99-million-year-old baby snake fossil which was found preserved in amber. While some hope they’ll use the DNA to bring the snake back to life, others say it would be a cruel mistake because so much has changed in the last 99-million-years - the snake might have trouble adjusting psychologically.

Florida Woman Recovering From Bear Attack: Sheriff’s deputies report that a Florida woman is recovering after being attacked and dragged by a family of bears who broke into her open garage and sifted through her garbage cans in search of food. Wildlife experts say they believe the bears left the woods because they’d run out of toilet paper. They also point out that at least these bears know how tackle someone, unlike those Bears up in Chicago. I would add that they’re obviously smarter than the average bear, but this is no time for joke’n, the poor woman bearly survived. Guess she’ll just have to grin and bear it.

Roseanne Barr Claims Voting for Trump Got Her Fired: After initially blaming the drug Ambien, then various other people and entities, Roseanne Barr now is claiming that she was fired from her hit TV show simply because she voted for Donald Trump. Interesting claim, given that she got her show AFTER Trump was elected and much of the storyline was about her BEING a Trump supporter. Now if my calculations are correct, about the only ones she hasn’t blamed so far are the “lizard people.”

Democrats Less Likely to Cheat on Spouses than Republicans: According to researchers who matched voter records to 80,000 accounts hacked from adultery website Ashley Madison, Democrats used the website substantially less than other US voters. In response, an angry Donald Trump, Newt Gingrich, Larry Craig, Roy Moore, Mark Sanford and Arnold Schwarzenegger held a news conference to denounce the study as nothing but more “fake news.”

Memorial Planned to Honor Gap Founder Donald G. Fisher: A memorial is being planned in San Francisco to mark the 9th anniversary of GAP co-founded Donald G. Fisher’s passing, died in 2009 at age 81. I think we can safely assume those invited to attend were told to “dress causal.”

Gotti Grandson Arrested for Operating Illegal Car Scrap Yard: The grandson of John Gotti has been arrested in Queens for falsifying business records and operating an unregistered scrap yard which authorities claim scrapped approximately 400 vehicles between Feb. 14th and April 5th. A license? Fuggedaboutit! But come on, this is nothing. Hell, my neighbor's driveway could probably be considered an "illegal scrapyard.” Anyway, I guess Gotti can “scrap” that idea. On a positive note, given his familiarity with the waste business - maybe Trump will now consider him for the next EPA director.

President Trump to Invite Putin to Washington in the Autumn: The White House announced that President Trump has asked national security adviser John Bolton to invite Russian President Vladimir Putin to Washington in the autumn. Wow, that was quick! Didn’t they just have a 2 hour conjugal visit in Helsinki? Anyway, I guess its always been a good idea to invite the boss over for dinner.

Old Surface Mines Used for Bee Hives in Appalachia: Beekeepers in the Appalachia area are now using old, abandoned surface mines to colonize new bee hives. While some approve of the new hives, others say we should just leave them bee.

Deadly New Venomous Snake Discovered in Australia: In a chance discovery, a team of biologists were returning from a sea snake research mission in Queensland, Australia when they discovered a deadly new venomous species of snake. Gee, I’m blown away! I mean, what are the odds of finding some sort of deadly serpent in a place like Australia? Ironically, President Trump has already heaping praise on the snake and is reportedly trying to organize a summit between the snake, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un and himself.

Trump Asks Why Obama Didn’t Do Something About Russia: President Trump reacted to the indictment of 12 Russian military officers “for conspiring to interfere with the 2016 presidential election” by blaming former President Obama and the “deep state” and asking “why didn’t Obama do something?” Interesting comment - given that Obama imposed sanctions on Russia in December 2016 for election meddling and expelled 35 Russian diplomats. Is it just me, or shouldn’t the real question be, why the hell doesn't Trump do something NOW? That said, I suppose as long as Trump and Putin don’t decide to go shirtless horseback riding together during their upcoming meeting, we’re all gonna be that much farther ahead for it.

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Ghostly Particles Give Scientists New Understanding of Universe: A breakthrough in the study of ghostly particles, called high-energy neutrinos - that traverse space, zipping unimpeded through people, planets and whole galaxies, is providing scientists with a new understanding of our world. Hell, we didn’t need to discover a bunch of fancy, new particles to gain a better understanding of our universe. If you ask me, the fact that Donald Trump could actually get elected President of the United States - should tell you just about everything you'll ever need to know about our world.

Giant Jurassic Flea Fossils Found in China: Newly found fossils of fleas 165 million years old, show that the critters were almost an inch in length and had blood-sucking mouthpieces that scientists say were used to penetrate extremely tough hides. That’s just horrifying! How the hell are you supposed to put a flea collar on a T. Rex?

New Mexico Woman Claims Medical License for Meth: A woman in New Mexico who violated her probation by testing positive for methamphetamine, told police that she had a medical license for the meth. Well then, assuming that her “meth license” is for a medical condition, allow me to be the first to wish her a very “speedy” recovery.