Tennessee Police Find Loaded Gun In Teen’s Vagina

Ivanka Trump Closes Down Her Fashion Line: First daughter Ivanka Trump announced she will be closing down her fashion line to focus solely on advising in her father’s White House. I have a great idea - perhaps Ivanka could now focus her “fashion designer skills” on making fashionable prison garb for herself, her family and the rest of the White House staff

Tennessee Police Find Loaded Gun In Teen’s Vagina: Local Police in Tennessee were shocked to find that a 19-year-old girl, arrested for driving with a suspended license, had a loaded, five-shot, four-inch .22 caliber mini-revolver concealed in her vagina. Now I’m certainly no expert, but I’m guessing this has to be a pretty damn effective means of birth control. This is kind of like that very special place - where gun control and birth control converge.

Florida Woman Arrested in Topless Rampage at McDonald’s: A bare-breasted woman wearing only bikini bottoms entered a Florida McDonald's and when an employee asked her to put on some clothes, she refused and began overturning the restaurant equipment. Witnesses to the incident say it was pretty obvious the woman had something she wanted to get off her chest.

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More State Legislatures Passing Upskirt Bills: In light of the “Me Too Movement,” more state legislatures are passing bills to ban snooping of genitalia in public spaces "aka upskirting," to reinforce current "Peeping Tom" laws. Women say its about time - adding that these Peeping Toms have been “skirting the law" for far too long now.

Judge Blocks Release of Blueprints for 3D-Printed Guns: A federal judge in Seattle has issued a temporary restraining order to stop the release of blueprints to make untraceable and undetectable 3D-printed plastic guns, saying they could end up in the wrong hands. Wonder if you’ll need to wear those special glasses they pass out at movie theaters to shoot one?

NASA Says Mars Won't Be This Close Again for 269 Years: NASA is urging Americans to get outside tonight and look up into the sky, because Mars won't be this close to our planet again for the next 269 years, or until 2287. Damn, I’m kind of busy this evening - I can’t make up my mind whether to check it out tonight or just wait until next time around.

CDC Says Bathroom Most Dangerous Room in the House: While most assume its the kitchen, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention - its actually the bathroom that’s the most dangerous room in a modern household. You’re damn right, especially after all the family returns home from this year’s chili cook-off.

Giuliani Calls Michael Cohen a Scumbag and Traitor on CNN: During a 32-minute rambling, incoherent interview on CNN, Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani called Michael Cohen a traitor and “scumbag” and claimed (without any evidence) that Cohen had doctored the tapes he turned over to special counsel Robert Mueller. Giuliani reminds me of a guy who has taken to hiding his own Easter eggs - and yet he still can’t manage to find any of them! Trump and Giuliani are like a comedy team - without a straight man. How quickly he’s gone from being “America’s mayor” to “America's crazy uncle.” I think its about time to secure him in an adult diaper, hand him a bowl of warmed applesauce, a nice cup of hot chocolate and wheel him into the nursing home dayroom and to watch old reruns of Mayberry R.F.D.

Study Finds Your Alcoholic Beverage Choice Reveals How You Vote: According to a new survey, your favorite alcoholic beverage says a lot about the way you vote, with Democrats more likely to reach for Absolut, Grey Goose or Stolichnaya vodkas, while Republicans tend to prefer Beefeater, Crown Royal and Jim Beam. On the other hand, people who drink Jägermeister are basically incapable of even finding their polling place, let alone vote.

Astronomers Confirm Key Einstein Theory of General Relativity: A consortium of astronomers said they had for the first time confirmed a prediction of Albert Einstein’s theory of general relativity by observing the gravitational effects of a supermassive black hole on a star zipping by it. Now that’s just one of Einstein’s many brilliant observations. If you ask me, his most profound observation was when he demonstrated beyond any doubt how time always flies by faster - on the weekends.

Elon Musk Shares Stunning Boring Company Tunnel Image: Following a Hyperloop Event, Elon Musk shared an impressive picture of a 2.7 mile tunnel his The Boring Company is digging as the test bed for some of the company’s larger projects. Good grief, who wants to look at a photograph of a damn tunnel? BORING! I mean, why would he assume anyone would find some hole in the ground even remotely interesting? Can you dig what I’m saying?

No Toilet Paper for Passengers on United Flight: Every airline seems to be cutting back on something, but United took it to a whole new level by taking off for a ten-hour flight without any toilet paper on board, claiming that restocking would have caused a delay. I don’t know about you, but if I were on that flight - I wouldn’t have taken that crap.

Soccer Ball Putin Gave Trump May Have a Transmitter Chip: Russian President Vladimir Putin gave President Donald Trump an Adidas soccer ball during a news conference last week in Helsinki, Finland - and a closer examination indicates that the ball may have also contained a transmitter chip. Of course, to someone like a Donald Trump - there’s nothing wrong with a little chip, just as long as its accompanied by a delicious dip.

Underground Lake of Liquid Water Detected on Mars: For the first time, scientists have found a large, underground, watery lake beneath an ice cap on Mars, which offers an “exciting new place” to search for life forms beyond Earth. Scientists say this may indicate there’s life on Mars. OK, sure - but what the hell kind of life is it if their lakes are underground? I mean, who wants to spend the weekend underground?

AG Jeff Sessions Laughs & Repeats Chants of Lock Her Up: US Attorney General Jeff Sessions repeated students’ chants of “lock her up!” at a conservative political summit, laughing at the call to jail Donald Trump’s former election opponent Hillary Clinton. Behavior like this by the nation’s chief law enforcement officer would normally be cause for concern that we’re in danger of becoming a banana republic, but fortunately - Trump’s import tariffs on bananas have already made that proposition way too expensive.

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Another New Theory About Amelia Earhart Surfaces: As usually happens about every six months, a new theory about what “really” happened to Amelia Earhart surfaces - this one claiming she and her seriously injured navigator Fred Noonan as well as her Lockheed Electra were marooned in knee-deep water on a reef off Gardner Island in the Pacific. Well, all I can say is, let’s hope they find her soon. I mean, its been 81 years - she’s gotta be getting hungry buy now - not to mention she’d be 121 this year and probably ought to get a physical.

Study Says Americans Like Their Bodies Most at Age 65: A recent poll of 80,000 adults of all ages by polling giant Gallup reveals that most Americans feel most satisfied with their bodies after age 65. No kidding! By 65, most everyone’s eyesight is pretty much completely shot.

Tortoise Suspected of Helping Baby Alligator Flee Zoo: A baby alligator named Carlos has broken out of a Michigan zoo, and zoo officials believe his escape was in part engineered by a large tortoise that regularly strolls around the area. To back up their accusations, Zoo personnel say they have obtained audio of the tortoise calling out “see you later alligator.”