A Love Story: I Made Him My Study

My husband and I have a special little thing we say to each other as a lot of couples do. At certain special moments, I say, “Thank you for asking” which he always responds, “Thank you for saying yes.” It is endearing. For Valentine’s Day #22, I thought I’d share how that happened.

“Knowing you, you’ll probably fall for the woman with three kids,” said David’s best friend when David and I began dating. David had been married for several years to a pretty, educated, extremely wealthy, professional woman who had left him for no particular reason five years earlier.

I’ve seen this a lot over my years—women leave their husbands because they think there is something better or they are already intimate with the something better, but there are no drugs, drinking, or particularly offensive behavior. The relationship has become like my flowers on the kitchen table after forgetting to put in fresh water: droopy or dead.

After two decades of volunteering for the FamilyLife Marriage Conference, I still do not hesitate to tell young couples that if they are not doing something to protect their marriage now, it is already on its way to an end. Good relationships take work and wonderful marriages take more.

And now, I gladly pull ‘Nana Duty’ to allow my grown children couple-time.

David told me about his friend’s comments when he proposed and told me that he had completely fallen for me, that I was the one. I will never forget that most romantic surprise.

I had never had a man carefully craft out such a meaningful experience. He had reserved the date with me, the restaurant, packed the beach basket for an evening near the Golden Gate, and purchased the wine, the rose, and the ring. The latter was unbeknownst to me.

Knowing David, I thought it was all about the fish dinner (I hate cooking fish) and the scenery (David is deeply moved by nature’s beauty.) Going to an expensive restaurant on Fisherman’s Wharf should have given me a better clue if I knew then what I know now about his careful choice of spending.

We were settled on a blanket with our wine glasses looking at the bay when David moved in front of me and pulled a single rose from his basket. As he handed it to me, a diamond ring fell out of the bud into my lap and he giggled with embarrassment as he struggled to find it between my crossed legs. It was memorable.

After going through those common first married years of power struggles, unmet expectations, and disappointments, I determined I had made a terrible mistake and sought counseling. It was the best thing I ever did because the wise Pastor left the decision squarely on my shoulders. Was I going to leave a perfectly good man because I couldn’t make sense of him?

I made myself change directions, making my spouse “my study.” That is what they told us to do at the WTR Marriage Conference we attended. And, I discovered amazing things about who he was. I have to admit, taking me out of the center and putting my spouse there, was therapeutic. Since, we have made a great team.

For nearly two decades, this wonderful man will somehow find the most perfect Valentine’s Day card I could ever hope for. I accept that although he could not actually create nor write the verses, he has found ones that say his thoughts beautifully for the ‘us’ we have created.

In our evening walks around Dixon together, with me rattling on about every little detail of work life or relationship issue I have with my grown children or friends, he will say a 6-word sentence with something so profound and wise that it will shock me.

Now I know in his computer-like brain, certain words of the one-sided conversation have made a connection to other logical patterns he has stored in there (no emotion, just fact, of course) and they have--within the time of me carrying on--made their proper connections for him to say such profound things and all I can do is acknowledge that I am certain he is absolutely right. No matter how ugly the truth is, he will find it and point it out to me. He has made me a better person.

He is my best –friend, confidant, and one who I can count on to unemotionally point me in the right direction, away from dramatic thoughts or harmful obsessive thinking. They are his arms that surround me at night even though I sometimes snore. I am so glad he chose “the woman with three kids.”

The next marriage conference is this weekend at the Napa Valley Marriott Hotel & Spa February 14- 16. More info is at www.weekendtoremember.com.

Debra Dingman, an award-winning journalist and author, is a 27-year Dixon resident. Her book Learning A+ Living, Adventures & Rewards of a Mom Entrepreneur, is published by WestBow Press and is available now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and on TWMpublicrelations.com.

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