Breaking Up Is Hard To Do, Unless It's At The Neighborhood Panera

SEAL BEACH, CA — In-restaurant dining may be on hold, but at Seal Beach's Panera Bread, you can still eat outside from open to close. And, if you are looking for a neutral location to end your current relationship? You can do that there too, according to an open letter allegedly penned by Panera's C.E.O., published in the New Yorker's Daily Humor newsletter.

"Even in the worst of times, Panera Bread has been here to provide you with fresh, hearty meals," he wrote. "Also, it's a convenient location to break up with someone."

Patch was curious if much break-up activity occurs at the Seal Beach Panera Bread location.

"Uh, not that I know of," store manager Deborah said.

While no break-ups have occurred here on her watch, she agrees that the order first, pay-first, and easy order-ahead options may help in a tense break-up situation. That would help customers light out quick "before the crying starts," as the New Yorker says.

"We bake all of our bread in-house, but you don't care about that, do you?" he writes. "You just want a clean, safe place to tell your significant other that it's finally over, that the only reason you didn't do this sooner was because of the pandemic, and that you'll be transferring the utility bill to your name."

The comedic take on a tense issue lets the air out of quarantine tension. You may need to consider if breaking up, though hard, is a better option than surviving another shut down with someone who is, perhaps, no longer your cup of tea.

At Seal Beach's Panera Bread, order up one of the more popular menu items: the Chipotle Avocado Melt. While you wait on their attractive outside patio in the warm December sun, attempt to read the mask-covered expression of your former soul mate.

Is this really the one you want to do life with?

Remember: eight months of quarantine is too long to remain in a bad relationship. And, if you can't stomach sitting across the table one more second, you can always get that sandwich wrapped up to-go.

Read the New Yorker Daily Shout, here. And let us know your favorite break-up story in comments! or by emailing your Patch Editor.