Redefining Manhood: Rising Above the Human Race

Opioid addiction is a highly prioritized problem in this country...it should be. We think it is a national tragedy.....and it certainly is…it affects 2 million people (.06% of the population) in this country. It killed approximately 50,000 people in 2018. But, it is light years from being the worst addiction in America. The worst addiction claims 50% of the population as addicts. The other 50% are often victimized by those addicts. Put simply, and perhaps, surprisingly, it is the addiction that men have with sex. The operative drug is one we look at rather benignly, but it is far from benign. Designed to flood the bodies of young boys somewhere around the 8th grade, the hormone testosterone brings about the greatest pain, by far, in terms of numbers. We know from many studies that between 1 in 4 and 1 in 5 girls will be sexually assaulted in their lifetimes in our country. That is approximately 40 million people (females). Incredible....yet, because it is women and girls who are doing the suffering there is not much that is being done about it. We wouldn’t even let them vote until 1920, remember? And, that is just the sexual assault--not the objectification, subordination, humiliation, etc..

In 2015 a study was done at the University of North Dakota with, albeit, a small sample size. Nearly one in three college men in that study admitted they might rape a woman if they
knew no one would find out and they wouldn’t face any consequences.

According to the survey, which analyzed responses from 73 men in college, 31.7 percent of participants said they would act on “intentions to force a woman to sexual intercourse” if they were confident they could get away with it.

Breathtaking. The thought that a man would be fine with physically and sexually traumatizing a woman (for life) for a brief act of sex (as long as he could get away with it) is hard to comprehend; to think that over 30% of men would be ok with this takes my breath away.

Sex! The thought of it runs through our veins like a recreational drug that works 24/7. It’s naturally occurring but it is a highly potent chemical. It might as well be an implanted microchip in our brain that tells us what to do and what to focus on. Before the age of 13 or 14 a boy is safe from this programming but after this it’s like being bitten by a vampire. High levels of Testosterone are released into the blood (at this impractical age) so that the human race never forgets that it needs to make more humans. It’s kind of ridiculous if you think about it…to give this raging impulse to an unsuspecting 13 year old boy. It's actually quite sad. It's a burden. It seizes their minds and it creates a lifelong obsession. If most people were to think of the most practical age for a boy (to be able) to procreate I think most of us would say 21 or after. We have no business having children before that….it’s like giving a child a loaded pistol and a driver’s license at age 13. If we were living off the land in an Ice age without medicine or antibiotics or ambulances or Bed, Bath, and Beyond’s then maybe, just maybe, procreating at 13 would make sense. But, we have invented the fish taco. We have sent vehicles to Mars. We have mapped the human genome....so why the mad rush for children to make babies?

Unfortunately, evolution has not caught up with our meteoric spike in technological and medical advancements (that currently bring life expectancy in this country to around 80 yrs.). We don’t need body hair anymore and haven’t for millennia. Evolution is glacial, so we are still wired like we are living in an Ice Age where, starting from that very young age a boy is possessed by the need (constant) to have sex and think of sex. It’s the elephant in every room where a man is present. It would be nice to adjust the thermostat so we could live a more civilized and elegant existence but we can't. We don’t call it what it is because, well, I don’t know why. We accept it as “natural” but should that word give anyone comfort? Cancer is “natural”. Greed is “natural”. Selfishness is "natural". Alzheimer’s is "natural". Even some disasters are "natural".

Certainly sex has a good connotation for men. With few exceptions, men are always the beneficiaries of sex, rarely the victims. Men are the winners--girls and women, way too often the losers. Just look at sex trafficking statistics across the world. Look at statistics regarding violence against women that are rooted in the need to have power over women. If I looked over at man and I had to guess what one thing they were most likely to be thinking about at any given time my guess would be sex. If I had to pick something that a man was certain to be planning to do it would be sex. Impotence is a fear that overrides almost every other male fear. It rivals paralysis. The thought of sex comes at the expense of thinking of many other things. It takes up tons of space that could otherwise be used to think creatively, to expand our minds, to serve others, or to just enjoy time with our children.

He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs
with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those
that are young

Isaiah 40:11

By now we have all heard extensively about the Catholic Church sex scandals that have been rocking the world since Priests were first invented. The scandal broke in 2001 in spite of a “Vatican down” cover up attempt by the Catholic hierarchy worldwide that had been working beautifully until the Boston Globe decided to connect some conspicuous dots that existed in Boston parishes. In spite of a death grip by the Catholic church over the legal system in Boston the Globe prevailed and it all came tumbling down in the morning papers one day, or so we thought. For the first time someone in power thought that protecting innocent children was more important than protecting the Church from criminal investigation and prosecution.

I think there is a very clear window into human behavior by looking at many Catholic priests regarding sex. I don’t want to rehash the history of the child abuse scandal as this is a different story altogether.... I want to try and process the way this horrible phenomenon informs us about the incredible power of sex drive. It is what I call a “conscience canceller”. Without a conscience you are almost certainly a sociopath--you stop experiencing remorse. Your compass is shattered. Sex drive (via the hormone testosterone) might be one of the main powers that shatters the inner compass.

Let’s look at the Catholic priest; the typical Catholic priest who makes a decision to enter the priesthood. This is not likely to be the path of least resistance for most. There is a tremendous amount of conformity, rules, submission, and overall compliance that must be accepted. You give up a profound amount of freedom to be a Priest. It’s not a small decision. It’s hard to imagine any man entering the priesthood who isn’t truly committed to the ideals of the church, at least initially. It’s hard to imagine that a man would make this lifelong commitment unless he is trying to do “God’s work”, unless he is a believer in the highest ideals of human behavior, and self discipline. Imagine, these are men who voluntarily are immersed in the Ten Commandments and the stories of Jesus on a daily basis. They never get more than a few thoughts away from the Sermon on the Mount. It’s sitting on their shoulder at all times, whispering commands. Priests should be the subset of men who exhibit the most admirable human characteristics... they should be the most trustworthy and honorable men in any society. And, thankfully, in many cases they are but, why is it that widespread, repeated and unrepentant acts of horror against children are perpetrated by such a high percentage of men belonging to this “holy” fraternity?, and, why is the Church leadership willing to look the other way and cover up this behavior?

I think that right after serial killer is the title of child molester...It is an unspeakable crime. Well, not quite "unspeakable" because speaking about it serves a purpose. It makes everyone uncomfortable just to imagine it, including me, but “imagining it” serves a purpose..

It might happen this way: (caution, this is uncomfortable subject matter): A Catholic priest starts fantasizing about having sex with a child. Studies say it is usually a boy between 11 and 14. After awhile (with the indispensable aid of the hormone testosterone) he starts to make peace with these degenerate thoughts. He doesn’t act on this fantasy (yet) but the thought of it starts to occupy a larger and larger % of his time. The Priest's conscience starts to whither as the desire for sex gets a deeper and deeper grip on his shoulder. One day he starts entertaining the possibility of carrying out this fantasy. It becomes something that he starts to plot out logistically. Remember, this type of behavior is intensely contrary to the principles he has vowed to uphold, but, sex is one thing (along with money and power) that can defeat all inner dialogue, all connection with right and wrong, dignity, decency, empathy, and more.

It starts, I would suspect, with one boy in particular that he feels is the best to victimize. This priest actually plots, deceptively, an encounter with the child. It usually, according to studies, is a child who is already vulnerable, often from a broken family or one that is struggling. Just like in the animal kingdom they know to select the weakest in the herd. The Priest often knows this boy and he has developed some trust with him. Trust that will soon be exploited. This might sound very familiar if you are a girl or young woman and you have been asked out on a date by a guy and now there is the expectation that sex is part of the equation. The opportunity arises, maybe he sees the boy in church and asks the boy to help him with a very special activity that will make him feel special. He takes the unsuspecting boy into the back room of the church and he looks into this innocent boy’s eyes and tells him that the best way to please God is to perform oral sex on the priest. The priest sees the total confusion and inner discomfort of the boy. He might even see this boy trembling. He watches the boy in a state of total vulnerability and shock. It doesn’t faze the Priest in the slightest. He is thinking only about himself at this time, and his own pleasure. The priest continues the process of overcoming the boy’s resistance and he is relentless until the boy submits. The priest’s fantasy is realized. The boy leaves in shock, with feelings that will lead many victims to a life of depression and for some, suicide. This priest has just violated this boy in the most fundamental way, emotionally, physically, and spiritually,. He will never be the same. The priest caries on with his day, maybe he has lunch with the other priests (roast beef sandwich and some cole slaw) and then he goes to Mass. He takes a shower and goes to bed, reliving the fantasy in his mind. He is not sure of everything except that he wants to experience that feeling again and again. The next morning he plans another encounter with the same boy....this act is repeated and expanded on. The boy is eventually asked to submit to rape as "repentance for his past and future sins". Not even “God” himself could convince a Catholic Priest to rape a child. No, only a chemical that overcomes reason and empathy.

It would be one thing (albeit a horrible crime) if the priest started to live out his fantasy with this boy on the first encounter and then, immediately after (or during) he felt tremendous guilt and shame—if his “better angels” prevailed, his conscience restored itself and he felt a sense of overwhelming remorse at the way he abused the trust and body of this child parishioner. This isn't what happens....like a serial killer (or vampire) these priests lust for more and more encounters. This requires the total and complete dismissal of the human conscience--the, de facto, death of the human heart.

What else that is normally pulsing through our veins could compel us to choose this life of total disregard for the welfare of others? How could a Priest resort to a life centered around sex with children? Any other chemical that could completely corrupt even the minds of Catholic Priests would be outlawed the way we outlaw crystal meth. It would be banned the way we ban the possession of Uranium 235. Ironically and quite sadly it is an incredibly uncivilized drug that is inextricably tied to our survival as a species. The historical facts show that, from our beginnings, it has made it impossible for our species to transcend an animalistic existence. The men among us have much, still, in common with our cave dwelling predecessors. For too many of us it is our default. Men: You can put a suit and tie on us (with cuff links) and sprinkle us with cologne but we still respond like a lion when shown red meat. That is our factory setting; heaven help us. To expect us men to act civilized is about as silly as seeing that lion in a 3 piece suit.

Yes, be very suspicious of a chemical that can turn earnest servants to the teachings of Christ into sadists, child molesters.

The percentage of Catholic priests that sexually molest children has been estimated as being around 6 or 7%. And, sexual molestation is surely like drunk driving in that only a small percentage of instances are caught/reported...Can we assume that for every Catholic priest who has been accused of sexual molestation there is one who has molested without being accused? It’s just a guess. I would have to imagine that for every powerful man in our society who is accused of sexual improprieties there are 5, 10, 20, 100?, who go un-accused and un-punished. We have no way of knowing unless there is 100% reporting and that is never going to happen. If I were to wager I would side with the number “100". I say this because it has only been very recently that a large percentage of men in power have had to account for their sexual abuses due to the “metoo”movement; a movement of accountability that was long overdue. If it wasn’t for that (limited) movement that came about in 2018 we wouldn’t know about Matt Lauer’s behavior, or Charlie Rose’s, or Kevin Spacey, or Neil DeGrasse Tyson, and countless more. Until very recently men of all shapes and sizes have carried out rampant acts of sexual assault against women with total impugnity. Sexual assaults were only rarely reported unless they were carried out by strangers “jumping out from behind bushes”. Men could get away with date rape the way they “got away” with patting on the back. It was the cost, the tremendous burden of being a woman.

Still, we will not even scratch the surface in bringing these men to justice. It will be like a fly on the Titanic. We respond as a society like a glacier, if we respond at all. Bill Cosby had been sexually abusing women since the 60’s. Somehow he has been able to look at himself in the mirror thousands of times over that span and know that his next sexual assault would be successful and go unreported. He’s had 50 years plus to humiliate and drug and rape women before he even had to think about paying for his crimes. Such is the system that allows for the unchecked sexual appetites of the powerful and famous.

There is very credible evidence that 2 of the last 4 Presidents have raped women. That’s a crime that can send you to prison for a decade or more. The most recently confirmed Supreme Court Justice almost certainly sexual assaulted at least one woman while in college. Another of the 5 remaining male Supreme Court Justices was accused by multiple women of sexual harrassment. These are just the Presidents and Supreme Court Justices we know of. Martin Luther King was having sexual encounters with as many women as he could when he wasnt preaching the gospel or leading the civil rights movement. Not even his closest aides dispute this. MLK was amazing in his ability to stay under control in the face of violence and oppression. He never lost his cool. But, he didn’t have a clue how to stop his insatiable appetite for sex. He was like a thirsty baby crying for milk. The entire Civil Rights movement could have been destroyed had MLK's serial infidelities been exposed. JFK was President during one of the most dangerous times in world history. It was the height of the Cold War and he was asked to make very high risk decisions during the Cuban Missile Crisis and many other highly consequential circumstances. JFK made decisions very cautiously and only after careful deliberation and reflection. He was less thoughtful when it came to his sex drive and the risks to which he exposed himself and America. JFK had affairs with 17 year old interns and with countless other women who were being shuttled in and out of the White House clandestinely; any of whom could have brought his Presidency, and national security, to the brink. He exposed himself, and the country, to blackmail. What does that tell us? It’s an addiction, that’s for sure, and it has dangerous consequences.

Our society, being controlled by men, has ignored and downplayed and dismissed this common everyday occurrence. For another example of how sex drive can take over a person’s mental equilibrium let us look at what happens to many male prison inmates who are denied sex with a woman for long periods due to incarceration. Many of these men do something that they would have considered abhorrent and unimaginable before their incarceration; these otherwise heterosexual men have sex with other men, oftentimes it is in the form of rape. They choose sex with a man over no sex at all.

The bodies are piling up of men who risked everything to have a night of sex with someone who wasn't interested. Would these same men risk everything to stand up for the civil rights of someone they didn't know? Risk it to stand for something glorious and good and helpful to someone other than themselves? Don’t hold your breath for any of that. I’ve said this before and I love saying it as much as I can: I have a friend (in Malibu) who decided to give one of his kidneys to a stranger who was going to die without one. This man risked a lot for a total stranger. He came up with this idea out of thin air. There is no drug running through the veins of man that compels him to do (this). This is truly Superhuman. He rose above the human race. This should be the standard--what we all demand from ourselves. And, in the best of world's, what society expects from us. But ....we don’t, and....it doesn’t.

This essay isn't about trying to punish priests or develop retribution against the Catholic Church....that is a different project altogether. It isn't about disparaging a great American in Martin Luther King, or to take away from the many accomplishments in the Kennedy Presidency. This is about understanding human nature (the nature of men). This is a call to be very suspicious of human nature. This is a call to have discipline and control over human nature. It’s an uncivilized playing field for everyone. Clearly the world would be a much more civilized place if testosterone levels were much lower than they are. Just imagine how much more sincere would be the relationships between man and woman, priest and boy. No ulterior motives. No more violence, abuse, or objectification of women. Much less humiliating and undignified behavior from men. If we could only adjust the thermostat.

If 1 out of 15 Catholic Priests can’t control impulses that lead them to do heinous acts then what hope are we left with? With the help of the Catholic leadership (up until now an accomplice to the crimes) and a stalwart legal system to punish these offenders the number of those victimized can go down dramatically. A heightened fear of being caught and imprisoned (might) lead to less victimization. It won’t, however, avoid the (out of control) human impulses. That is what this piece is about…it is not about reducing sexual abuse, though that is of paramount importance. It’s about how we reckon with the fact that a normally occurring hormone/drug in our body has an astounding ability to control over the minds and lives of our male citizens. I’m not even mentioning the fact that it is directly responsible for violent and aggressive behavior. 98% of inmates who are in jail for violent crimes are men (98%!). Would we have war, gun violence, street brawls, the Holocaust?, without Testosterone? And, what do we get in return for this testosterone? The ability to lift heavy objects and have a deep voice, and grow beards?

For most men, I suppose, as long as they can blow off a little sexual steam they can operate acceptably in society. But, if they can’t, look out…even for those who have sex whenever they want consensually (Lauer, Weinstein, Spacey, etc.) they still can’t ever get enough.

From a very early age I have always been suspicious of sex and the insidious gravitational pull it has on the consciousness and behavior of men. I have never liked feeling manipulated or coerced, nor do I like to see others manipulated or coerced. It’s, perhaps, the most de”humanizing” thing one can do—to render someone powerless over their own sovereignty. I don’t want to be as a salmon that is programmed to leave the ocean and swim upstream into fresh waters to lay it’s eggs and die, nor like the spider that is programmed to spin its gossamer web with precise engineering and arhictecture. I have always liked to look at my inner desires and wants and square them with critical thinking. Impulse is the absence of critical thought.

Questions have to be asked: Is this action a positive in my life? Is it dignified? Is it productive? Does it objectify or denigrate others? Does it compromise my ethics or principles? Am I in control? Can I have respect for myself if I give in to this impulse? Having a powerful conscience is imperative to living a good life. It's imperative to being a good citizen, father, son, husband, etc.. Your conscience should win all internal battles. It should be undefeated.

Having sex is not an accomplishment by any stretch. It is virtually a reflex. It requires no skill set. It does (though) require a steady titration of testosterone into the blood stream. Any donkey can have sex. Criminals can have it. Even deviant Priests can have it. It doesn't even require you to get out of bed. It is not empowering, uplifting, or something to take pride in. It's like eating...it is pleasurable and we are compelled to do it on a regular basis but I would argue that it is the most self indulgent exercise that we do. It may be “human” but I much prefer a higher bar than human. I think “human” is a fairly crude place. Just look at what passsed for “human” thousands of years ago, or even hundreds. In 1800 being “human” allowed you to own slaves and there was no societal shame in doing so. Presidents who now appear on Mt. Rushmore owned them and they were considered to have exhibited very normal “manly” behavior. In fact, I’m sure that owning slaves made you more manly in some circles. Similarly, in many cultures today, having sex with other women even after you are married is a badge of “manliness”.

Just look at the historical record .....being human, being a man, is too often a zero sum game. It's not women who are carrying out these aggressions. We have exterminated populations, we have enslaved them, subordinated them, raped them, ignored them (all this in the last 200 years) all in pursuit of satisfying the self....more money, more power, more sex. And, if history isn't enough, watching how the United States of America operates currently and over the last two years is certainly a reason to want to find a higher standard. There is more than ample reason to think we can do better. We simply must do better. But, as surely as the sun is hot we will not do better. There is zero chance that we will do better.

Striving to be better than human is an easy case to make....imagine it.

So, what is the most noble pursuit of man? Is it to chase our impulses around the clock, like the donkey? Or, is it to be “stardust”, to be “golden”, to transcend impulses and to invest in experiences that expand our consciousness and elevate the meaning of our lives (and the lives of others). Could it include confirming human dignity on everyone, which means to never objectify another human being? It is imperative to stay thoughtful, which means to be thinking of the largest picture when carrying out any action. Thoughtfulness is mandatory to carrying out the deed of giving a stranger one of your kidneys. It all starts with thoughtfulness.

Yes, we may wear suits and ties and smell of Dolce Gabbana that we bought in a department store, and have well trimmed beards and Rolex watches, but emotionally we are wearing diapers. We are slaves to our groin. Sex drive, left unguarded, reduces all of us men to groveling babies.

Of course, sex isn’t an inherently bad thing, nor is money…they can be, and often are, very good things but, sex, like money, is “a great servant, but a terrible Master”. Our unchecked addiction to either comes at a very high price. It too often comes at the expense of others.

In the Adam and Eve story found in the Old Testament the apple comes to represent temptation. For a book so archaic it would appear surprising that the metaphor is still just as valid today. It shouldn't be. It will be a constant as long as there is a human race. The points I have tried to make in this essay have no spiritual or religious correlation. My reasoning about sex transcends any spiritual beliefs one may have. It appeals to two things only: Living a thoughtful life where you aren’t at the whim of an uncontrollable impulse. And, living a life steered by an inner conscience; a conscience that always nurtures empathy for others and a keen awareness for upholding dignity and respect for all, including yourself. The true tests will mostly occur when no one is watching.

"Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Except where noted the content of this essay is my opinions.