How Parents Can Help Their Child Succeed in School

As a psychotherapist who works with children and teenagers, I often hear from parents who are concerned about how their child is doing in school. Parents are concerned their child is not living up to their potential or they state that their child just doesn’t seem to be interested in school. They report they see no motivation from their child like their child doesn’t care about school or grades. Many parents ask me, “what can I do to motivate my child?”

However, I often hear from children and teenagers that their parents are opposed with school. They feel that their parents only care if they are getting As in their classes. Many of these children and teens state that they do not see why their parents are so concerned about school. They also say that the more their parents push, the less they care about school.

Parents need to understand that many children and teenagers are not mature enough to understand why you are concerned. Children’s brains, especially their executive functioning, are not fully developed until the age of 25, so they are not able to understand the importance of school the way adults do. Also the more parents push, the more some children and teenagers resist.

However, there are ways you can work together with your child to help them see that school is important. Debbie Pincus wrote an article about this too. I have provided the approaches that I feel will help parents and teenagers develop goals for school that they both can agree to. Below are some approaches that parents may want to use with their children regarding their school performance.

10 Ways to Motivate Your Child to Do Better in School

1. Keep a Relationship with Your Kids That Is Open, Respectful and Positive

Stay on your kids’ team, don’t play against them. This will allow you to be most influential with them, which is your most important parenting tool.

Punishing, preaching, threatening and manipulating will get you nowhere and will be detrimental to your relationship and to their ultimate motivation. Your feelings of anxiety, frustration, and fear are normal and understandable. But reacting to your kids out of these emotions will be ineffective.

Remember, your child is not behaving this way on purpose to make your life miserable or because they are lazy good-for-nothings. When you feel yourself getting worked up, try saying to yourself, “My child is just not there yet.”

Remember, your job is to help them learn how to be responsible. If you get negative and make this a moral issue, then your child might become defiant, reacting to you instead of thinking through things himself.

2. Incorporate the “When You” Rule

One of life’s lessons is that we get the goodies after we do the work. When you practice shooting hoops every day, you start making more baskets. You get paid after you work at your job.

So start saying things like:

“When you finish studying you are welcome to go to Gavin’s house.”

Or:

“When your homework is completed, we can discuss watching that movie you wanted to see on Netflix.”

Enforce this rule and stick to it. If your child does not yet have the ability to plan and initiate and persevere, by sticking to this rule, you are helping them learn how to do what their own brain is not yet equipped to do, which is to create the structure for him.

3. When You Are Invited In

If your child is not studying and his grades are dropping, you’re invited in whether he wants you or there or not. Again, you’re there to help set up a structure that he is not able to create for himself.

The structure might include scheduled study times, having the computer out in a public place in your home, and saying, “No video games or TV until after homework is done.”

You might decide that he must spend a certain amount of hours devoted to study time. During this time, no electronics or other distractions are allowed. You might make the rule that even if he finishes all his homework, he must complete study time by reviewing, reading, or editing. You might make the rule that he devotes an hour-and-a-half to quiet time, no electronics, and just doing his work.

Understand that it’s not meant as punishment; rather, this is helping him develop a good work ethic and to focus on his school subjects. Some kids do better listening to music while they study, but no other electronics or multi-tasking is recommended.

4. Ask the Teacher

If your child’s grades and work habits are not up to par, you can set up a plan by sitting down with him and his teachers. He might have to check with them to make sure he has everything before leaving school and then check with you before going back to school to make sure all his work is in his bag.

Once your child gets better at managing his time, completing his work and reviewing his subjects before tests, then it’s time for you to back off.

5. Identify a Study Spot

You may need to sit with your child while she’s doing her work or at least be nearby to help her stay on track. She may need a quiet location away from brothers and sisters or she may do better in a room near others. You can help her experiment. But once you find what works best, keep her in that location.

Don’t do her work for her, but you may need to review her work and ask her if a certain paragraph makes sense to her, for example.

6. Break It Down

Decide together whether or not it will be helpful to your child for you to help him break down his assignments into small pieces and organize on a calendar what he should get done each day. You can get him a big wall calendar or a whiteboard. You might also get extra help from his teacher or get a tutor for him if that’s in your budget.

7. Be Kind but Firm

Try your best to be a parent who is kind, helpful, consistent and firm versus punitive, over-functioning and controlling. For every negative interaction with your child, try to create ten positive ones. Try to put the focus on supporting and encouraging him instead of worrying and nagging. When you start to believe his grades are a reflection of you or your parenting and that you are responsible for his outcome, you will be on his case—and it will be harmful and ineffective.

8. Lack of Motivation? Or Anxiety?

Recognize that so much of your child’s lack of motivation (or what looks like irresponsibility) might be his own anxiety or shame about academics and schoolwork. Most people have anxiety about doing certain things and avoid them like the plague. Kids may not be able to explain all of this to you because it’s not always on a conscious level for them.

Here’s a typical scenario. Let’s say your child tells you he doesn’t have homework when he actually does. This will stir up your anxiety. When you react to it by yelling or criticizing, your child will manage his anxiety by distancing from it—and from you—more.

While a little anxiety can motivate, too much blocks your child’s ability to think and to have access to the part of the brain that helps him with motivation. Keep your emotions in check by recognizing that it may be your child’s anxiety at play rather than his laziness. Your job (and how you will be most helpful to him) is to not react to his anxiety or your own.

Recognize that sometimes your child’s feelings of shame, inferiority, or anxiety can be misinterpreted as a lousy attitude, lack of motivation, and irresponsibility. Often the cover up for these vulnerable emotions can take the form of acting out, shutting down, avoidance, and defiance. Remember that what is happening now may look very different as your child matures and develops.

In the meantime, in a positive relationship, lend him your brain by helping him with the structure and habits he can’t pull off on his own. And calm yourself by understanding the bigger picture of what is going on now.

9. Teach Life Balance

Remember to always keep the big picture in mind. Rather than go crazy over your child’s grades, help her to balance her life with friendships, other activities, volunteer work and family activities. Get involved with her school affairs when you can and take an interest in her school projects.

10. Don’t Futurize

When we see our child seeming to have no interest in his life, it’s easy to start fast forwarding into the future. When he acts like he doesn’t care about anything except video games and his friends, we worry that he won’t be successful or even functional on his own. This ramps up our anxiety and our fear.

But here’s the truth: none of us have a crystal ball or can really see into the future. Focusing on the negative things your child is doing will only bring the spotlight on them, and may set you both up for a power struggle. Instead, focus on your child’s positive traits and help him work on those in the present.

Is he outgoing, helpful, or good with animals? Focus on all the things that go into a developed, successful person, not just academics and grades and help your child develop in social, creative, and emotional ways.

Parents are often so worried about their child falling behind that they end up in a power struggle with their kids over it, but nothing gets better. They go round and round, just fighting about the grades and the work. But if you as the parent can calm down and understand that this is not just a bad attitude and an unmotivated kid—and that you can’t force them to be motivated—then you can actually start meeting your child where he is and helping where he needs help.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who specializes in treating children and teenagers. Dr. Rubino is an expert in the area of treating adolescents and children and has over 20 years experience working with this population. For more information regarding Dr. Rubino visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.