Managing Grief and the Holiday Season

Every day is hard for someone who is grieving. And with the holiday season, along comes a new set of challenges. Beginning to experience the sights, sounds, and smells of fall and winter food, decorations, music, and holiday planning brings up the ‘togetherness season’ for many. The death of a loved can push many buttons, bring up many memories and fears, and questions about how to manage all that is coming at you. In my past experience facilitating groups around managing the holidays, I found many different thoughts, feelings and actions from individuals, both challenging and inspiring.

A few that may be helpful:

Plan for it. You know it’s coming from Halloween to New Year’s (and extending out to Valentine’s Day for some). If you take control early, it may have less of a grip on you. Where do you want to go? (Home is OK). Who do you want be with? (Alone is OK as well). You may need to set boundaries now for avoiding toxic people. You could plan an event as time and resources allow – anything from a movie on Christmas Day to a trip out of town. If you are invited somewhere, and not sure about how you will feel, create a plan. Say you will stay for an hour, and then leave. Or have a friend who will know ‘the signal’, for time to move on. This is part of taking control versus allowing it to “happen” to you.

Attend a grief group around the holiday topic. Many are offered by local Hospice organizations or places such as the Contra Costa Crisis Center. This will help you to share and learn with others who have similar concerns.

Let others help. You may be the person who does everything around the holidays. Feel free to do nothing or ask for help if you need it. Create a new tradition where delegation takes center stage. Create a list of what needs to be done, what you can let go of, and where others can help.

Help others: If you are not able or not feeling up to celebrating as you might have in the past, offer your own services. This is a great way to take control. Offer to babysit for New Year’s Eve, volunteer at a food bank or shelter, offer to cook for a friend or relative who might be overwhelmed.

Celebrate and acknowledge your loved one: Set a place at the table, have a toast, allow others to share a story, include a favorite food or decoration. Make an individual or family donation in your loved one’s name. Some clients I have worked with express frustration and pain when the deceased is not recognized because family is not sure how to manage the absence and loss. Take charge of this effort if no one else will.

Take care of yourself: Any routine that is helpful for you, keep it up! Eating right, wellness such as massage, and continuing with exercise are always a good idea.

When might individual counseling be helpful? A loss can lead some to discover the need for a reset button on many aspects of life. (Though the sage advice of not making major decisions for 6 months may still apply, if possible). You may find that you seek deep exploration around family dynamics, work, or personal relationships. In these circumstances, individual support would be a good idea. With groups, there isn’t enough time and space for one to address many of their own issues with the give and take of sharing that is part of a group experience. If the loss has been a catalyst for new or dormant depression or anxiety, it may be good to work through it with a professional.

Wishing you peace throughout the season.