Parents & Teens Try Be Nice To Each Other

During this season of Thanksgiving it makes sense to remind parents and teens to appreciate each other.

Very often we tend to focus on the negative and not the positive. This happens a great deal with kids and teens. Teachers routinely send home notes when a child misbehaves or breaks a school rule. How often does a child bring home a note saying they did something nice that day? Not often. When people talk about teenagers, they usually talk about the trouble the are in or the trouble they can get into. Rarely, do we talk about the positive and nice things that many teenagers do. These acts tend to be overlooked. Given how our society works it is not surprising. We tend to focus on the negative not the positive. Just watch the evening news most of the stories are about negative things. When there is a story about someone doing something nice it is a big deal. Because we are not use to telling one other what we appreciate about each other.

I see this in therapy all the time. Families come in to talk about their problems. Parents talk about their kids are disrespectful and teens talk about how unfair their parents are to them.

As therapists we often don’t do much to help change this dynamic. In fact, at times we add to this dynamic. We often start the session asking what the problem is at home. We rarely start out asking what is going well or what each member of the family appreciates about each other. Instead we go along with the pattern of focusing on what is wrong.

Yes at times there are problems that need to be felt with, but there has to be more going on than just a specific problem. What if we acknowledge the good things too?

Very often I am working with teens who have given up on trying. They often tell me why try its not going to make any difference. It doesn’t matter how well I do, my parents will just notice the one “C” on my report card or my teachers will never give me credit for trying. While I am talking with these teens I often hear good things they do in their lives that are never acknowledged, such as helping their younger brother with his home work or helping a teacher at school.

They have a very valid point. Why try if no one will acknowledge what you are doing. If you always hear about what you do wrong, you stop trying. Also if all you ever get Is negative attention then that is what you seek because that is what you are use to getting.

I hear the same thing from parents. How they are always criticized by their teens and their teens never acknowledge what they do to be nice. The parents also comment that even when we make changes, our teenagers never recognize it. So parents give up on trying and nothing changes and no one is happy.

I have a crazy idea, what if we acknowledge the positive things that are teens do and that are parents do. How would you feel to hear what someone appreciates about you or why they are grateful that you are in their life. It would make you feel good and you would be more likely to repeat it and more likely to do other nice things.

Everyone like to be appreciated and acknowledged. It makes you feel better about yourself, your life and the people in your life. You also enjoy doing nice things because there are positive results. Furthermore, when there are difficulties with your parents, it makes it easier to work out issues because you know you all care about each other.

So back to my crazy idea, set aside time to start, what I call them, gratitudes with your teenagers. Write them a note and leave it on their pillow or set aside time before dinner and tell them face to face. Also anytime you see them do something nice or hear about it, tell me. You can also make use of technology and text them at random times of the day. Just something simple like, thinking of you, how is your day.

Try a period of time of focusing more on your teenagers positive traits and see what happens over time. This doesn’t mean you stop being a parent and stop enforcing the rules. These things show your teen that you care too. In my experience, I have seen when you add gratitudes into your family life or a teen’s school environment, you see positive changes.

Besides, trying this with your family, you can try this at work or just in your daily life. If a waitress is very nice to her, compliment her or ask her how her day is going? Something positive so you let other people know you see them as people and you appreciate and respect them. You would be amazed at the positive changes we would see in the world, if we just try being nice to one another. Many problems start because people feel unappreciated.

Dr. Rubino has a private practice in Pleasant Hill for over 18 years. He specializes in treating children & teens. To learn more about Dr. Rubino’s work visit his web site at www.rcs-ca.com.