Reasons Why Arguing with A Teenager Does Not Work

Over the years I have had parents bring their teenagers to therapy because there is a great deal of yelling at home. I let parents know that yelling and arguing with a teenager never solves a problem. If yelling worked, parenting would be easy, wouldn’t it? We’d simply shout, “Do it!” and our kids would comply. But here’s the truth: yelling doesn’t work.

I tell parents that if screaming at your teenager, you give up your power and authority. A teenager’s brain is still developing. Therefore, while they make look like an adult, they do not have the cognitive or reasoning skills that adults do. Teenagers know how to argue and they know if they get you to scream they win. When you start screaming, you lose track of your initial point and the teenager can direct the argument in a way that benefits them. James Lehman MSW, who also works with teenagers, has noticed the same pattern and recommends the same approach.

When a parent tells me they’re yelling to get their teenager’s attention, I understand the frustration. Let’s face it, at times it is frustrating being a parent. And it can be frustrating being a teenager. And there are times that everyone yells. However, we do not want this to be the normal way you communicate with your teenager.

If you want your teenager to listen to you, you need a system in your home in which it becomes the teenager’s responsibility to listen to you. Here are five things you can start doing right away to stop the yelling and screaming:

1. Use Face-to-face Communication

When you talk to your child, look them in the eye—don’t yell from the kitchen. If you really want to communicate with your kids, turn off the electronics and talk to them face-to-face. Don’t yell up the stairs at them. And tell your child that this is the new plan. You can say:

“Hey Connor, I wanted to mention to you that from now on I’m going to come in and shut off the electronics when we talk. I’m also going to ask you to come downstairs so we can look at each other instead of yelling. That way, we can talk about things face-to-face.”

Be sure not to get stuck in a glaring and staring power struggle.

Face-to-face does not mean eye-to-eye.

2. Have a Positive Regard

Work on having positive regard. In other words, wear a positive look on your face when you talk to your child. Your expression should be calm rather than angry or frustrated. Believe me, children will read your face and immediately shut down if you look angry or frustrated.

I think it’s important for parents to realize that kids get agitated during emotionally-laden discussions, just like adults do. If your boss calls you in and tells you that you’re not going to get something you want, you feel upset and uncomfortable but you probably don’t scream. The difference in your reaction is that you have better coping skills than your child does and that you know it’s unacceptable behavior to scream.

I recommend that you work on wearing an expression that does not look angry or frustrated, even when you’re talking about something difficult with your child. There are studies that show that children get upwards of 70 percent of your meaning from the look on your face.

3. Use Structure

Time and time again, I’ve seen parents resort to yelling at their kids when they don’t have structure. Without structure, each day is different—and the plan is always geared toward what the parent wants (or allows) the child to do next. Requests then become personalized, which creates fertile ground for a power struggle to escalate quickly.

When you use structure in your home, you immediately have a way of de-personalizing requests. You can simply point to the schedule and say:

“6 p.m.—time to turn off electronics and do your homework.”

I actually recommend that you post it in a central location in your home, like the kitchen.

When kids have structure, they are far less likely to challenge every request you make. They may still moan and groan, but the focus has been taken off of you and placed on the structure you’ve set up.

4. Talk to Your Child about Yelling

I always suggest that you talk to your child ahead of time about any changes you’d like to see take place. Pick a nice day when things are going okay. Say:

“Hey Jessica, I think we’ve been yelling and shouting too much, and it’s just not helpful. I want to work on not doing that anymore. And if you start yelling, I’m going to turn around and walk away, and I’m not going to talk to you for 15 minutes.”

Say this simply and matter-of-factly. Don’t get into any deep discussions or spend a lot of time talking about it. I recommend that you keep it to two minutes. You don’t want to process anything or get into emotions. You just want to say it and then get on with your day.

5. Get out of the Argument

I think as a parent, once you’ve reached the stage where you’re in an argument with your child, your job is to get out of it as quickly as possible. The next time your child starts yelling at you, calmly say,

“Don’t talk to me that way. I don’t like it.”

Then turn around and walk away. That conversation is over for you, which stops the fight immediately. Know that when you leave the room, all the power leaves the room with you. Your child is left to yell at the empty walls. If your child has a tantrum anyway, that’s not your concern. You do not have to engage with him or stay there and watch it.

Set the Example

Finally, remember that for a child living in an environment where parents yell a lot, yelling becomes normal. Thus, a normal kid will learn how to yell back. After all, it seems like the appropriate response. Strive to establish an environment at home where yelling is not normal.

The truth is, the earlier we teach kids a broad repertoire of coping and problem-solving skills, the less yelling and acting out there will be. Appropriate coping skills include compliance, negotiating, and assertiveness. These skills can all be used effectively to circumvent the default mode of shouting and yelling.

I always recommend that parents make the decision to not yell—and really work on it. Believe me, the screaming matches in your home will die a natural death once you stop engaging in them.

I know what I am recommending is difficult. Especially because your teenager knows exactly what buttons to push. However, if you can stay calm, your teenager will not know what to do and you will be able to make your point without becoming so stressed and frustrated.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience working with children, teenagers and young adults. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his websites at www.RubinoCounseling.com or www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3