Teaching Children and Teens how to be Responsible

Working with teenagers and kids in middle school, I hear a lot about responsibility. Many parents are concerned about their children taking responsibility for their school work and chores at home. And parents should be concerned because responsibility is a very important life skill. However, most children are not born knowing how to be responsible. Everything is done for an infant, therefore they are not responsible for anything. However, as children get older it is vital to teach kids how to be responsible and if they aren’t, you have to hold them accountable. But how can you do it effectively?

This question I hear on a regular basis from parents. Over the past 20 years, I have seen techniques which help children learn about responsibility and consequences. James Lehman, MSW wrote an article about this subject too. We use very similar techniques which I list below. However, parents if you want your child to be responsible, you must be consistent with the rules you set. If you are not consistent, you are teaching your child not to be responsible.

6 Ways to Teach Responsibility Today

1. Start as Early as Possible

As early as you can in your child’s life, start having them take responsibility for the things with which they’re involved. For instance, have your child pick up his toys before he goes to bed. Now, if he has a hard time concentrating on that because he’s young, get down on the floor and pick them up with him. But don’t do it for him. Even if it’s “I’ll do one then you do one,” he learns to take care of his responsibilities.

I also think you should give kids alarm clocks early in life. This helps them learn the responsibility of setting the clock at night and then getting up and shutting it off. What you’re doing is teaching them from a young age that they’re an individual and that they have their own individual responsibilities.

2. Identify Responsibilities and Use Responsible Language

When your child completes a task, tell her:

“Nice way to follow through on your responsibility.”

I like the way you took care of that responsibility.”

“You know, it’s your responsibility to do that and I like that you did it.”

“You know, I’m rewarding you because you met your responsibility.”

In other words, the more you identify it, the more conscious your child becomes of it. I think it’s important for them to understand they’re getting rewarded for completing their responsibility, not for being cute, lovable, or chummy.

The earlier you connect the reward to the responsibility, the more clearly that becomes associated in your child’s mind.

3. The Power of Example

It’s important as a parent to meet your own responsibilities on a consistent basis and to label it when you do. So you can say:

“My responsibility is to go to work and I’m doing it today.”

If your child asks where are you going, say:

“I’m going to work. That’s my responsibility.”

“I’m going grocery shopping. That’s my responsibility.”

The idea is that you’re modeling the right behavior. Be the example. As a parent, when you tell your child you’re going to do something, it becomes your responsibility to do it.

So, don’t make promises you can’t keep and, when meeting responsibilities, be sure to use language says so.

4. Teach and Coach Responsibility

I think it’s important to sit down and explain to children what responsibility means. Responsibilities are like commitments or promises—they’re the things you have to do, the things that are your job, and the things you’re involved in where other people are depending on you.

So if you play with your toys, it’s your responsibility to put them away. Or with an older child, you can say:

“If you make a sandwich for yourself, it’s your responsibility to put the dishes in the dishwasher.”

Coach your child into meeting their responsibilities. I think it’s very important that kids be coached and not just lectured to. A coach doesn’t go out onto the court and shoot the basketball for you. Instead, he coaches from the sidelines. And he coaches instead of criticizes.

In the same way, I think it’s important to coach kids about their responsibilities. Criticism has a place in life, but in this situation with kids, it only makes them defensive when you start to scold them about something that didn’t get done right.

5. Consequences and Rewards

Responsibility should be associated with both rewards and consequences. Say this to your child:

“This is your reward for doing your schoolwork and homework.”

“This is your reward for keeping your room neat all day.”

“You’re getting this reward because you cleaned the car.”

And by the same token:

“This is the consequence for not finishing your homework.”

“This is the consequence for not doing your chores this morning.”

“You’re getting this consequence because you didn’t clean your room.”

It’s sometimes helpful for parents to sit with their kids and draw up a list of consequences. How can you hold kids accountable? What do you have that can be an effective consequence? You can withhold things like electronics or assign extra chores or extra work. You can give them task-oriented consequences. Associate a task with the time that the consequence is in play.

At the same time, come up with a list of rewards. I call this a “rewards menu.” This shouldn’t only involve spending money or buying things. Does your child like to take walks, go to the park, or maybe the beach? Do they like to play catch? Do they like to swing?

It’s fine to say to your child:

“You know, you did really well today. I’m going to take you down and swing you in the swings.”

And that’s the reward. Rewards don’t have to be expensive—you just have to use your imagination. For older kids, you can go hiking, go downtown, go by the river, go to the park, more screen time. For teens, you can let them earn later bedtimes or more time with their friends. With adolescents, the reward is often getting away from you, not being with you, and that’s okay.

6. Tell Your Kids What You’ll be Doing Differently

When a parent decides they’re going to start using more responsibility and accountability language when they talk with their kids, they should sit down and clearly state that fact. In a calm time, say to your kids individually:

“From now on, I’m going to start to point out how we meet responsibilities around here. That way, you’ll have a clearer idea of how many responsibilities I meet and why I think it’s important that you meet your responsibilities.”

Discuss why meeting responsibilities is important to your success in life. People who don’t meet their responsibilities are not successful.

What does “not successful” mean? Well, for adults it could mean a range of things, but when you’re talking to a teenager or a middle school child, not successful means they’re not going to be able to go out or to buy that new game. They’re not going to have their own car or have nice clothes. In other words:

“All the things that I buy for you as a parent, you’re going to have to get for yourself someday. And in order to do that, you’re going to have to be able to meet responsibilities just like I do. And if I didn’t meet my responsibilities of going to work and doing a good job, I would not be able to give you those things.”

Use simple, straight talk that progresses from “this is why responsibilities are important” to “here’s what’s going to happen if you do—or if you don’t—meet your responsibilities.”

It’s Never Too Late

Learning how to meet responsibilities is one of the most important skills kids can learn when they’re young. As they grow older, they’ll have a thorough understanding of the relationship between responsibilities, accountability, and rewards. But, it’s never too late to learn. Kids who don’t learn to meet responsibilities at an early age need to learn them at whatever age the parents get ready to teach them.

When kids develop personal responsibility, it gives them their best chance of avoiding many of the pitfalls of life. It makes them better able to deal with inevitable problems that arise in life, particularly as they get older.

It seems that when you’re a kid, someone is always saying,

“You didn’t make your bed. You didn’t finish your homework. Why didn’t you walk the dog? How come the dishes are in the sink?”

But believe me, as an adult someone is also saying:

“Why were you driving so fast? You’re late for work! Why didn’t you pick up the kids at school? I thought you were going stop for milk on the way home.”

There are those who say you should expect your child to act responsibly. But I say you should require it, even demand it. Teach and coach it. Be thoughtful about how to enforce accountability. It’s a part of maturing, and it is a very necessary component to learning how to function in an increasingly complex and demanding world.

Your teenager may get angry and frustrated with you for making them responsible for their behavior. However, remember as a parent you are responsible to raise your child to become a mature, adult who can survive in the real world. Being a parent is not a popularity contest. If your child is mad at you and resist you trying to educate them about responsibility, remind your child you are doing what you are doing out of love. They may not understand today, but they will when they are adults.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who is an expert in the area of child and adolescent psychotherapy. He has over 20 years experience working with children and teenagers. For more information about his previous work or private practice visit one of his websites www.RubinoCounseling.com or www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.