What to do if You Are Concerned about Your Teenager’s Friends

As a psychotherapist who works with teenagers, I often hear parents express concerns about their teenagers friends. They are afraid their teenager’s friends may be a bad influence on their teenager. There are reasons for parents to be concerned. In the Alive and Free program, we refer to friendships and “fearships.” A friendship involves a true friend and a true friend will never lead another friend into trouble or dangerous situations. “Fearships” are more like gangs. They pressure some one to do something that may get the person into trouble or a dangerous situation. We use the term “fearship” because the threat to the teenager is if you don’t do what we are all doing or want you to do, we won’t be your friend anymore. This a tremendous fear for a teenager because most teens want to and need to belong to a group that they refer to as their friends.

I explain to parents that they need to understand that while your goal as a parent is to keep your child protected and safe, your child’s goal is to be with people who like him. Therefore, it makes it almost impossible to select your teenager’s friends. However, you can monitor who your teenager associated with and set appropriate limits so you can decrease the probability that your teenager will get into a “fearship.” James Leman, MSW address this issue too. I have listed below some steps based on my work with teenagers, and with Alive and Free and James Lehman’s research that parents can use to monitor who their teenagers are associating with as friends.

6 Ways to Deal with the “Wrong Crowd”

1. Try to Avoid Repeated Criticisms of Their Friends

I personally don’t think repeatedly criticizing your child’s friends or pointing out that they’re bad is going to be a successful strategy. Again, adolescents are developmentally at a place in their life where they will defend their friends. And so it’s very difficult for a parent to turn around and say, “Your friends are no good,” and expect to have a conversation. Your child’s natural urge is going to be to protect his or her friends, whether or not they know you’re right.

Realize that criticizing your child‘s friends is like criticizing an aspect of your child. It’s going to meet with the same resistance and hostility—even if what you’re saying is true. And all it will do is further alienate your child from you.

2. Make Clear Statements about Behavior

I think if you don’t like your kid’s friends, the most effective thing to do is state:

“I don’t like the way they behave. I don’t like you hanging out with kids who get in trouble, because you get in trouble with them.”

Can you say this every day? No. But you can say it once in a while. Be sure to simply state the facts. State what you don’t like about their friends’ behavior. You’re not judging them, just their behavior. As a parent, I think you want to be a little smooth about that. You could say:

“Look, I’m sure your friends are great to you. But they all smoke pot and they all get into trouble. If you hang out with them, you’re going to get into the same trouble.”

Remember, when we’re having conversations like this with our kids we want to keep our observations understandable for them. In other words, talk about things that are clear and recognizable:

“I don’t like that Jackie got arrested for shoplifting. I don’t want you to get arrested for it, too.

Or,

I don’t like that your buddies all use drugs because I don’t want you using drugs. I don’t think it’s good for you.”

Make those observations and keep it simple and direct and focused on the behaviors that you don’t like.

3. Use Structure

I think that structure can be very helpful when dealing with your child’s friends. If you don’t like the kids he’s hanging out with, then don’t let him go out on school nights. Try to have more control over where he goes and what he does.

If he says he’s going to the football game and then you catch him down at the mall with those friends, that’s his choice. He chose to go someplace which you didn’t know about and there should be consequences.

4. Set Limits

If you know your child’s friends are engaging in behavior that isn’t in line with your values, then I think you should set limits on how much time they spend with those kids—or whether or not your child can see them at all. If his friends are breaking the law or doing things that are unhealthy, you can say:

“Maybe they’re your friends, but I’m not going to let you hang out with them.”

With a lot of adolescents, defiance becomes a big problem. Many of the kids I dealt with would climb out their windows when told they couldn’t go out. But again, you set the standard as the parent. You set the expectation. If your child doesn’t meet it, at least he knew there were standards and expectations to begin with, and now he will have to face the consequences and be held accountable for his actions.

5. Going Out on Friday Night is Not a “Right”

All of a sudden, kids hit a certain age when they think they have the right to go out. Well, I don’t think so. I think kids have to behave responsibly in order to earn the right to go out. And you can say:

“I’ll let you go out if you show me that you’re trustworthy.”

Behaving responsibly does not include hanging out with kids who use drugs and drink—that’s all there is to it. I also think going out on Friday or Saturday night is not a right; it has to be something that is discussed every week.

Your son may come to you and say, “Listen, Saturday night we’re all going up to the lake. Is it okay if I go?” Saturday night was not his automatic night out. Instead, that was negotiated each week, and the answer wasn’t always “Sure.”

As a parent, I think you should be saying, “What are your plans this weekend?” Your child should know that they have to have their plans approved by you first and that they have to behave responsibly in order to earn the privilege of going out.

6. Talk to Them About Mean Friends

What if your child is hanging out with kids who treat him badly? Know that he’s hanging out with them for a reason. He’s probably afraid of them so he’s trying to become one of them. Again this is what I referred to as a “fearship.”

When kids are afraid of bullies and other kids, one of the options they have is to join the group and become a bully. Because even though these kids are mean to him, there is a sense of safety there. The deal they make is, “I’ll let you be mean to me and tease me, but you won’t abuse me or beat me up or take my lunch money anymore.”

But I think if your kid’s friends are mean to him, the kind of questions you want to ask are:

“What are you trying to accomplish by letting people treat you this way? What are you getting out of that?” Try to have an adult conversation with your child. You can say:

“Listen, you have choices. You don’t have to hang out with these kids. You don’t have to be a victim. I can get you help with this.”

When Your Child Hangs Out with Kids Who Use Drugs

As we’ve said, there are several reasons why people gravitate toward different groups. If you have a kid with behavior problems, you will often find that they are attracted to friends who also have behavior problems. If you have a child who doesn’t do his homework and fails in school and is resistant and mouthy, he’s going to gravitate toward friends who won’t hold him accountable for that kind of behavior.

Instead, his chosen peer group will reward and reinforce what he’s doing. In order to belong, he just has to do what the other kids are doing. That might be any number of things, including shoplifting, defacing property, using drugs, or drinking.

He’s Probably Using Drugs

It’s a simple fact that kids who use drugs hang out with other kids who use drugs. These kids are not likely to ask, “Did you get an A in science?” If your child’s friends use drugs, realize that he is almost certainly engaging in the same type of risky behavior—even if he says he’s not. Remember the “fearship” bond, your teenager will do a lot to feel accepted and can be intimidated to act a certain way so they can continue to belong.

Let me be clear: there is no other reason for your child to pal around with kids who do drugs. If he says, “Well, they do it, but they don’t do it around me,” that’s a lot of nonsense. It’s just something kids tell you to throw you off track, and sadly, it’s often a far cry from the truth.

Create a No Drugs Policy

Some parents say things to their kids like, “Well, you shouldn’t smoke pot, but everybody experiments with it.” Don’t give your child that cop-out line. Make it very clear to your child:

“No matter what you see your friends or other kids doing, there is no using drugs. That’s our expectation of you.”

I am really clear with the teenagers I treat, however parents at times are reluctant to be as clear because they want their teenager to like them. Parents you need to remember that cognitively your teenager is not equipped to make decisions about drugs. Drugs get you high, drugs take away stress, drugs take away feelings of panic or crisis, and that means something.

Once kids start using drugs, it’s easy for teens to become dependent on them because adolescents always feel stress. Drugs can become a dangerous way for them to get relief from all their fears and anxieties. Make no bones about it, drug rehabs today are filled with teenagers whose parents said, “They’re only experimenting” when their kids first started using.

There are important problem-solving tasks adolescents have to work through in order to prepare for adult living. Also, there is knowledge about the world that teenagers have to learn in order to make healthy choices and keep themselves safe. The use of drugs and alcohol in adolescence inhibits the possibility of these milestones being reached. Therefore, parents must set limits and your teenager may get mad. However, being a parent is not a popularity contest.

Many times, parents are afraid to feel powerless, so they’ll make the excuse that everyone experiments instead of just telling their child “no.” But you need to hold your child accountable and tell them right from wrong; that’s simply the way it has to be. You have to be very clear and take a stand:

“No drinking. No drugs.”

When Your Child’s Behavior Changes

If your child starts changing as a result of the kids he hangs out with, use a structured parenting routine: set limits and manage their time.

I also think you should expect that they’re going to change during adolescence. They’re going to find a group with whom they’re going to identify. When you see an adolescent, believe me, he’s probably rebelling against adult authority in a lot of little ways. And while your child may go to school and be fairly responsible, you’ll find that through music, through clothes, through a myriad of different things, it’s a rebellious time in his life.

I think it’s important for parents to understand that rebelliousness has a developmental function. Teenagers are individuating from their parents. What I mean by that is they’re becoming individuals and separating from their parents. This feels as natural to adolescents as water feels to a duck. Saying that, it’s often a very hard thing for parents to accept and manage.

Here’s the bottom line: kids are going to make mistakes and they’re going to make bad choices. The best we can do is guide them, set limits, project our view of what’s right and wrong in the world, and hold them accountable.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience as a psychotherapist treating teenagers. He is also a founding member of the National Alive and Free Advisory Board. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3