Your Divorce Does Not Belong At Your Teen’s Graduation

Spring Break is over and everyone is returning to school, which means junior and senior proms are right around the corner. So is high school graduation. If there has been a divorce in the family, it can complicate graduation day. This article addresses the issues associated with divorce and high school graduation.

Divorce brings a lot of new situations into people's lives, especially if they have children. Hopefully, when you and your spouse divorced it was done in a civil manner and the children were not put in the middle of it. This is the ideal situation, however, it does not always turn out to be the case. Very often, divorces are high-conflict and the two of you argue over everything and anything. Children are sometimes even used as weapons, which can make them feel like they have to choose between their mother and their father. This is a very sad situation.

It is a conflict that usually interferes with visitations and holidays, too. Parents argue about pick-up and drop-off times and how long they have the children for the holidays; there are often even arguments about whether a child can bring toys or clothes from Dad's house to Mom's. In short, parents argue about everything and the children become sick and tired of hearing it.

Another complicating factor is if grandparents say negative things about the ex-wife or ex-husband. This only increases the pressure and stress children deal with after a divorce.

The final stressor is when one or both parents remarry or have a long-term boyfriend or girlfriend. Then the arguments about "she is not my child's mother" or "he is not my child's father" and "I don't want them involved in my child's life" start. A new girlfriend or boyfriend can also cause teens to argue with their parents because deep down, they just want to see their parents back together.

In short, in a high-conflict divorce, children live in a war zone. They become used to arguing about everything and often feel they must choose sides. Some children do choose sides at times, hoping to end the fighting or because they are so confused. This type of divorce creates a great deal of issues for children, too many to cover in this blog post (I would need to write a book!). In most cases, teens just want to stop worrying about what may cause the next argument.

Graduation is one of those issues. Parents will often start arguing, saying things such as, "I paid for everything you needed for high school and now your father wants to come." Or "if your mother shows up, after everything she has done, I won't be in the same room as her." And of course there is always the issue of "he better not bring her to my child's graduation."

What is a teenager to do? They have spent the last four years working very hard in high school and graduation is a milestone, it is a day for them to celebrate their accomplishment. They also usually want the people they love and care about to be there celebrating right alongside them. However, how can this happen when Mom, Dad and even the grandparents are stating their terms about who can attend graduation and how graduation day will go because of the divorce?

Your teenager did not get divorced. You and your spouse divorced and even though you are no longer married, you are both still their parents and you need to act like parents and adults. This means putting aside all your feelings and issues so your teenager can truly celebrate their day, their graduation.

At some point during their teen's high-school careers, most parents have told their teens to "stop being selfish" and to "think about someone other than themselves for a change." Isn't it time you followed your own advice? Stop thinking about yourselves and your divorce and think about your teenager and how you can make their graduation a happy day for them.

What you need to do is sit down with your ex-spouse or send them an email to discuss how the two of you can put your issues on hold for one day and give your teenager the joyous occasion they deserve. Talk with the grandparents, too, and other extended family. Inform them what will be allowed and what will not. This does not mean you have to act like best friends; you simply need to be civil to each other. If you don’t think you can sit next to your ex at graduation, then one of you sits on the left and the other on the right. You don't have to have a joint party, either. You can decide to have separate parties. The key is communicating with each other prior to graduation and decide how the day can be a civil one. The best graduation gift you can give your teenager is a graduation day free of fighting. You are also teaching them a valuable lesson about love, parenting and relationships.

The most important thing to remember is that it is a celebration. So let your teenager celebrate alongside their mother and their father, and allow yourselves to celebrate. Remember: the divorce ended your marriage, not your relationship together as parents. Do not allow your divorce to deprive you or your child from enjoying the momentous occasion. They only graduate from high school once.

Dr. Michael Rubino has 20 years experience working with teenagers and families coping with divorce. He is an expert in providing psychotherapy treatment for children and teenagers. For more information about Dr. Rubino or his private practice, visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com.