Just Released! A Guide To Real Divas of West Hollywood!

I have spent all my life looking for the number one diva who went M.I.A...as a TV Producer, I watched new friends of mine stalk Greta Garbo...they made a mismatched mistake of pride and privacy... this was a home invasion of the philosophical kind, not of unkindness, and they moved on as the most excellent traveling companions and friends of my life time.

I was the lone gun, with a hand mic, who yelled, "Excuse me!" to the biggest star the world ever has known, when Elizabeth Taylor walked right past me. I was grateful no man in black or white came out to punch me, so imagine my shock, as a self-made horror, when, if this had happened at virtually any corner of West Hollywood, she already would have been in the town next door, but, instead, Elizabeth Taylor turned around, and started to approach me...step by step staring right at me in the flesh of my increasingly ashen face.

Not even my own two feet could save me, and why I cried, "Feet Don't Fail Me Now," as a puh-lea for mercy..."I'll never ask you to run or jog again." It was a mistake to mix desperation and disingenuiness of a life long anti-choice jogger for anyone. I think it must have been a rhetorical primal scream, as was, my follow-up, "Men in Black or Blue, where the devil ARE you!!!" As she got closer, there was a gleam in her violet-cidal man eating eyes, it may have been a sparkle of light that bounced from the leveraged diamond she held close to her chest...or vice versa, it's been a while... a bauble from another galaxy, and I thought to myself, it has to be from those sister planets, Cartier y Tiffany...I panicked, as I realized I was just a two bit scholar, not even a bargain basic Timex, whether 2 jewels or 20, my movement was stationery, and there was no comfort remembering Marilyn Monroe had seemed to scream the same dilemma, when crying for more faceted knowledge, her desperate plea,

"Talk to me Harry Winston tell me all about it!"

If no one replied to Marilyn, then a rookie like me had no business calling to a diva of any shade- I hadn't learned even the basics, you don't go crying to a blonde to give the brush off to a prima donna brunette.

When Elizabeth Taylor took my trembling mic in hand, and the hand, that trembled the mic, with both of her hands... even now it feels like too many hands and not enough time... I was scared...silent, almost straight, such a close call, but not by a photo finish or a nose...I'd be less worried about black mail than not having the first cut...I think it was back when it was the first and only cut for a Liz Taylor movie, as I imagine it should have been.

She looked down at what she was holding, then looked into my eyes, said, "Thank you," and then she was off and disappeared into the horizon of a movie marquee...it truly was a dream-like, extraordinary surprise.

I was in such a daze...were it not for a paparazzo standing next to me, I still might be the walking stunned, confused for dead...too soon to monetize or even be shape-shifted into a category of its own...thank god and/or Liz Taylor for big and small favors...you decide size and shaman, I'm doing all the work for your benefit- that's called pro-bono gotta gratis somebody.

This Ron- Gallella type, I actually think it was Ron Gallella, we ended up buddies, as I also had Liz, he gave me an abrupt wake-up call, like a slap in the face... he taught me the one fact of life, that both my parents, and all three of my siblings, and an entourage of others continue to drill into my head, that harsh stuff, unlike that faux-fierce sex talk, no parent ever has had anyway, not mine nor friend of mine, nor any Friend on FB, times their Friends... it's not scientific polling but a gold standard compared to that Presidential talk we all did have...the birds, the bees, macho guys, their knees...etc. Ron barked:

"Get real- it wasn't about you or your manly grasp of mics, look at the initials on your cube, rube, ET- ring a bell?"

OMG- he was right, this was during the early months of Entertainment Tonight...WTF!? Liz Taylor confused me with some crazy member of her fan club that made her a home made customized microphone, like a one-off hand towel. She pitied me so much, she made a spectacle of giving me a charitable thank you, on a pre-red carpet, red carpet at a movie premiere, without even giving me a tip, like all crazed fans have trust funds instead of most of them, not even to reimburse me the cost of materials for such a professional looking job- "That's really good cubing," I remember thinking, as I continued my diatribe..."I guess I wasn't even as good as a prepubescent and likely, pre-born Cuba Gooding...how come, Liz? Because I didn't even have one Oscar and you already had two and counting? Why the Vatican stopped at condemnation and didn't burn her at the stake is how Liz put the brakes on sarcasm from self-sacrificing guys...Elizabeth Taylor was one of "THESE THREE," aka "PRINCESA'S OF TIDES", aka, "THREE TENURED DIVAS," bound forever in a merry-go-round of divas...with Maria Callas and Judy Garland.

Big jump ahead in time to Real Time With Bill Maher...in a truly courageous show of force majeure, which will sound more comical than it is...Sarah Silverman had a momentary lapse in reaction to something Maher had said, who, already was onto his next topic, when suddenly Sarah stopped everything, with a two word command:

"HOLD ON!"

The split second of silence afterward was a pre-sonic boom, filled with the rage of a non-violet seeming homicidal sight in Bill's eyes that was ramping up to a double feature....it seemed as if this was going to be the sequel to"Kill Bill" 1, and 2... BILL'S BACK AND FUMING WITH TWICE AS MUCH POSTHUMOUS VENGEANCE. What followed was a chorale-like "Click" as the entire audience fastened its seatbelts simultaneously, and here comes the slip that launched a thousand lips, being licked and now, glistening in front of a Hollywood staple, instantly made vintage collectible....a sign saying, "applause" seemed forever out of touch with the taste of blood in the air, in a me2 era, that was about to go back in time to old school gladiator carnage...it seemed even this CBS TV Studio, one of the Big 3, couldn't sustain the inevitable mayhem, of what was about to occur, and has since, been shut down, due to pre-traumatic shock...destined to be haunted forever more...even if it happened in a different way than a double Billed thriller.

Sarah Silverman risked everything, when she refused to let her colleague and friend be deceived by someone who claimed to be a diva...for me, this truly had been a defining moment- that elusive room where it happens, which Lin-Manuel Miranda made American, in a man made, Made in America way, as metaphor and a huge Broadway hit, "Hamilton," though Hamilton was not born in America, as was his author and champion, centuries later, a native American, born in Puerto Rico...Puerto Rican and American both, at the get go- you follow? Then you are more diva than I'll ever be.

Sarah Silverman was on fire, with a rebuke, of full monty candor, the hilarity of a hell cat, no evangelista has that much brimstone to throw as shade- this was voted as one of the best ever moments, on Real Time, and looped as part of a tried and true sizzle reel, that warm-up each audience ever since. Silverman gave Maher the 411, and me too, a solid gold, made to order, marching mandate, I now share with all of my PATCH colleagues and readers, in search of witches and divas this Halloween night, here's the one defining difference between the two, as I learned from someone who seems to know way more than I do...when she said,

"Bill- no one who calls herself a diva is a real diva, the word for that is a cu**"

WORKS FOR ME...COMBINED... with a throwback to some original qualities of being a Diva, as defined by the Urban Dictionary: 1.to describe a person who exudes great style and personality with confidence and expresses their own style and not letting others influence who they are or want to be. 2. A person whose character makes them stands out from the rest. https://www.urbandictionary.co...

This is your guide to meet a few well ensconced WEHO Divas...plus the newest member of their ranks.... "A STAR IS BORN" at the Halloween Carnaval in West Hollywood!

Follow the road that took me there, if you please...

Christmas has 3 Magis, Halloween Has 4 Mayors- major and minor...

MAYOR #1: A women whisked by me and my dog, who was lying on the sidewalk with a brain tumor...invisible without X-ray vision, and stunned, is the word I choose, purposely, when seeing this woman, moonwalk back to say hello, it was 6 am and not a peep in the rest of the Weho houses, at least on my block, She said hello, then apologized for having passed us by, she was in the "zone," (undoubtedly with its own parking pass and privileges.) She said goodbye, went off in powerful strides, walking briskly, when she turned to say, "Oh, by the way, I'm the Mayor," that not only is a diva...she is the rare kind of either gender, for whom Liz Taylor would have bowed (trust me...I had a long timeline with Liz)...while she is longer Mayor, Lauren Meister is still one of 5 Members of Weho's City Council.

MAYOR #2: I was en route from...ok, Ohio- like you don't know someone who knows someone from Ohio? This is Halloween- it's a mosh of pumpkins, not the same as mosh of Tosh punking. Anyway- there was lots of turbulence and this guy sitting on the aisle, with an empty middle between us, wasn't with cocktail, but in need of some sedation of the "Chill,” not Bill, kind, so I made up some white...er...B.S. about how this was the safest kind of turbulence, as I claimed aviation expertise...he was grin-like, for the rest of the ride, I'm inclined to think I had distracted him by making a fool of myself...you do what the job requires, as long as it's legal...when he deplaned, I asked for his card, I looked at it, in a day or two, I wondered why I even bother getting business cards from any Tom, Dick or Johnny come lately, like me, but gave it a glance anyway. He's who? Huh!? My eyes weren't lying nor disguised, another WEHO Mayor... all the makings of a major Diva who doesn't tell others to kiss off and tell, or not tell- telling is optional.

MAYOR #3: The Big Magilla from another town...HE invited ME for a one-on-one business chat, on the first day he launched a new initiative, then gave me the business, aka: "The Treatment," he told me to take an extended hike...a made in Hollywood long goodbye. This is a Sarah Silverman text book definition of "NOT a Diva," a Head Honcho of many types and varieties of Halloween costumes on parade tonight everywhere...not just in L.A. County.

MAYOR #4: Could be a mini-me of Mayor Variety #3, (see above)... I'm inclined to believe after initiating a hello, an invitation to meet me, an about face, then no response to my appeal to his better judgment and/or common courtesy, his seeming "kiss-off" is a case of mistaken identity of whose turn it is to call.

DIVA #1 Lisa Vanderpump...she is all Real...she knows her Beverly Hills from ruling the roosts in West Hollywood; she knows when to drag as "Pump" and has her finger on the pulse of "Tom Tom's"...she is a connoisseur of beefcake and she defines her brand of Pump with the specificity of a pro gym bunny, all muscles, with equality of gender. Her husband and business partner also play him on TV and she loves ALL dogs for real, not just the blue plate house special. I never have met her but I have done way due diligence and shall reveal one of my sources, Andy, the "Bouncer" at Tom, Tom, of whom, I first asked permission.

When Andy speaks with forthright charm, about the Vanderpumps, I listen. He made the distinction that Mrs. Vanderpump was the more gregarious of the two, and he chuckled, when making their pooch the regent on all paws, as he let some no-name mutt right through the stanchions as I stood there, as if in a state of mock shock attack. Andy seemed a bit too giddy, to show me the drag of a bouncer, compared to the real deal...I don't think being giddy is the sign of someone who is whipped into shape, to giddeyap, by any gender of heartless or headless horseman. Check out the effigy of the happy couple at the door... after so many haunted honeymoons, they still look like newlyweds...as if time suddenly came to a dead stop. Romantic if you think about it long enough.

Diva #2: Jazz Singer Maryanne Reall is not only determined to search and find the lighter side of the blues, she has made herself the champion of a Gardenia Club in need of a fresh bloom, and she is the prima donna Diva who is helping the inner jazz vocalist emerge from every day people, who are anything but divas in a variety of day jobs, as Impresarios with her husband, of Salon De Jazz- a series of house concerts...like entering a speak easy but carry a tune to a bluesy score, a modern day series of Tupperware parties- homey but musical and also eco-friendly.

Diva #3 is also THE STAR IS BORN tonight, in West Hollywood, as the club Beaches has it's very first Halloween. No star gets born on my watch without doing it the hard way and this had been a rigid test in increments...and a perfect score of all pluses left me unusually non-plussed and validated the score, for the diva of a store of a restaurant and bar, of which he isn't even the owner...ALLAN is on his way to being the reigning D of all divas...and here's how the Judgist came to this supreme conclusion.

Perhaps the beefiest life guard at Beaches the night I went combing for Divas was taking 5 outside, while Allan was supervising the Halloween Art direction, that may look like a mini-cobwebbed version of Tom, Tom, next door, but remember the devil's in the details and I swear...I barely could see this life-sized spider, even when I knew it was there. This specimen of a muscularly defined lifeguard, I thought would be a good partner for Allan, in the photo op, I had pressed him into doing for two days running, that Allan twice delayed, and demurred, for being out of drag, wardrobe befitting his status, as Chief of Beach Patrol, donned in less gay apparel, more garden variety work clothes, aka...Home Depot drag- not just for lesbians, anymore than never. I thought this would be an all purpose High/Low double portrait, whether you identify, Downton Abbey, Upstairs, Downstairs, Baywatch or a good game of poker.

"No way!" said Allan, so politely, I'm almost positive, the extra emphasis of both words and exclamation point was my idea, as it more accurately, likely had been, "I don't think so," but for sure he had made one emphatic point, "he's out of uniform," ...very interesting... that was the same excuse he had already made for himself. Hmmm.

The almost sulky, still bulky "almost been," now "has been" and as far I'm concerned, has many beens to go, escorted me to the back of the room with Allan in tow... looking cheerier than anyone I could imagine who was just told- "Sorry, we went with the guy who dressed as he was told- in uniform, you can't even buy these shirts at Filenes's... they are existentially off the rack and off limits...a Short Sleeved Shangrila...for those of you who still believe in a Fairy Tale that's longer in tooth than this one, The Golden Fleece Under Pillow, I know I sure do.

When I finally got a good look at my hard earned photo trophies, I realized neither Allan nor I had a sixth sense for lighting, especially mood lighting for a very dark complexioned African American man, and when I tried to phone him, there was no answer...and then I tried to advance search his name, I started to worry if he had the wrong, Beaches...I thought I detected a nervousness when I asked if Barbara and Bette would make Halloween cameos, he laughed, neither at me nor with me- who is he, who can manage to laugh like that? Then came the epiphany...

"OMG...I am a fool."

I strolled by to ask about Halloween decor, some guy says talk to him, they didn't even say his name... Allan, never once claimed to be in charge, nor even tell me his title, I only gleaned it by seemingly everyone who said talk to that man- that's the hand that runs the joint, it was always someone saying, "I can't tell you for certain, you'll need to speak to Allan." (Note re: Sarah Silverman's key to being a "Diva": No self-proclaiming Diva status- it exists by popular acclaim.)

Don't make the mistake of equating a Diva with a Done Deal...it is often quite the opposite, and, in truth, Allan seems very much under the gun. When I raced back to get a better photo, he was in a very intense meeting- I did barge in, to say, ”Excuse me, but I don't know your title nor have a half-way decent photo. "Not now, John," said Allan, as he darted out of the room. Then some other guy spoke up, with a true voice of authority. He's "Director of Marketing & Promotion." Go ahead and take a photo of him but make it quick."

My biggest quandary was this- he's all DIVA, that's for sure...top tier quality, the kind that topples most of all and that had to be his boss who gave me the AOK...and to me that means, USE IT but I still didn't get a good one out of 4 or 5 separate tries- it was a choice of too dark or out of frame, as he raced away- but that shade of chartreuse hoodie...looks good no matter what, don't you think? It's Diva in any shade, when it's such a chic attempted guise...

...May it please the court and Carnaval of West Hollywood to welcome one and all the New Diva who's arrived ...ALLAN WATSON...he's going to need your best wishes and a lot more than good luck...I don't think he understands the symbolism of the interior's dramatic, thematic decor...a customer getting tossed out without paying is not necessarily a paying customer at all and someone needs to muster the courage to explain to a guy who needs a break...there's something funky about a neon "a' that keeps flashing on and off...is it a sign that he's on a trial basis, like an "a" watch until he proves himself, or is just out of line- whatever it is, it seems to be a one big WEHO diva put down... but there I go again been grim and ghoulish, with a send off... NOT, as if he's been thrown out of a closed window, is what Allan really needs- a Watson first time out of the gate at a Drag Race at Halloween...I know Rupaul must be with him in spirit and quite possibly, in disguise...no Trick Nor Treat...nor smoke and mirrors.

TALE OF THE CITY: EQUALITY OF GOOD WILL TO ONE & ALL...

WE ARE WEHO AND THIS IS OUR TOWN...

WISHING EVERYONE A HAPPY HALLOWEEN AT WEST HOLLYWOOD'S CARNAVAL