Politics & Government
German Man Blows Himself Up After Family Argument
A satirical look at current events!
German Man Blows Himself Up After Family Argument: According to local police, a 49-year-old man from a small German village blew himself up by setting off explosives inside his car following a fight with his family. Witnesses say that after the family argument, the poor guy just went all to pieces. His last words were “look Ma, no Hans!”
Electrical Brain Stimulation May Reduce Future Violent Crime: Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania found that applying an electric current to a part of the brain linked to violent acts reduced people’s inclinations to commit assault. So if I’m understanding this study correctly, probably the best thing we can do to prevent violent assault is to make sure our electric bills are paid in full each month.
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Justin Bieber Sighted Directing Traffic in the Hamptons: People driving through the Hamptons this week got quite the shock to find Justin Bieber directing traffic after his gull-wing Mercedes in which he was transporting Hailey Baldwin broke down in the middle of the road. Boy, what horrible publicity for Mercedes. Not the fact that the Mercedes broke down, but that Justin Bieber was seen driving one.
Barnes & Noble CEO Fired for Unspecified Company Policy Violation: Barnes & Noble CEO Demos Parneros has been fired for what is being called an “unspecified company policy violation.” Gee, wonder what company policy he violated to end up fired?” He must have actually sold something.
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Man Arrested Over Threat to Axe Murder Rand Paul: Capitol Police have arrested a man after he called in a threat to axe murder Sen. Paul. When asked why anyone would want to physically harm him, Rand Paul just shrugged and said “don’t axe me.”
Study Finds Milky Way 200,000 Light-Years Across: A new study shows that our home galaxy Milky Way is much larger than previously thought as scientists speculate it would take 200,000 years for a spaceship traveling at the speed of light to go across the entire galaxy. Come on, who’s got that kind of time on their hands? I’d have to take off work.
Your Free Will Beliefs Affect How You Behave: While most of modern science discounts it, a growing body of evidence from psychology shows that whether or not we believe in “free will” enormously effects our behavior. Like a lot of people, I used to believe in free will - that is, until I had to pay a lawyer to draw one up for me.
US Ambassador to Estonia Resigns in Frustration Over Trump: The US ambassador to Estonia is resigning in frustration with President Donald Trump's comments about - and treatment of - European allies. The ambassador went on to add that about the only way he could keep the Estonian ambassadorship under a Trump presidency would be to just stay e-stoned all day long.
Thai Man Arrested With 10,000 Pairs of Stolen Underwear: Police say that a man in Thailand has been arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. One thing’s for sure, even if he can’t change his ways, he’ll definitely have a change of underwear. The man was released from custody after a brief incarceration.