LETTER: 'Meditation Began My Life'

Letter submitted by Easton resident Casey DeLorenzo. To submit a letter to the editor of the Weston-Redding-Easton Patch, email joe.lipovich@patch.com.

Allow me to preface this article by stating that I have no intentions of this article being an anxiety shaming, nor a spiritual article. Think of this as a very personal experience I feel compelled to share, with the hopes of it touching or inspiring even one soul.

I am 23 years old, I come from a broken family background and have been battling anxiety since my first panic attack six years ago. The way I define anxiety is the feeling I get when my mind has one thought which births five different and sometimes negative thoughts that result in my hands shaking, my head spinning and my stomach falling to the floor. This can be triggered from something as little as looking in the mirror and seeing the slightest bulge in my stomach, or sitting in a subway car and having a somewhat creepy male sit nearby, to something more severe like hearing or witnessing a physical altercation. The former caused completely by my own mind spinning uselessly into panic, and the later a result of trauma from childhood experiences.

Anxiety is not unique to me, as I have found over the years that more people than I could have ever imagined have it, including people in my own social circle. What is unique to everyone who experiences it, is the cause (usually personal) and how they handle it. To sign up for Weston, Redding and Easton breaking news alerts and more, click here.

One day I was having a particularly rough day in college, and my roommate suggested I meditate. I laughed at her as she proceeded to tell me sometimes she gets so into it, she “literally levitates.”

From the very moment I knew I needed help coping with anxiety, I also knew drugs would not be the answer for me. I did not want to feel like I needed medicine to be happy and stress free; and what happened if I got addicted and couldn’t live life without them? The thought gave me more angst and worry.

The silly answer my roommate gave to me in a casual conversation ended up changing my life. I started very simple: YouTube. I would listen to guided mediations and meditations with calming music. Eventually I stumbled upon https://buddhaimonia.com and read through Matt Valentine’s “The Little Book of Mindfulness”, which is free on his webpage. Here I learned the basics of what meditation is and how it is done.

The universe was just beginning to shed it’s light into my life. After about a year of self-practice and teaching myself through online articles, brief books, and honestly just winging it, I started student teaching in a 6th grade classroom. On the very first day, I learned that my supporting teacher meditates, and not only that, but the entire school practices mindfulness! I was more motivated than ever, arriving early to work once a week to meditate with the principal and other staff members before our school day began.

Meditation is as easy as lying down, closing your eyes and counting your breaths. I struggled for a while with having “monkey mind,” a term frequently used in the meditation world, meaning you can’t turn your brain off and often stop following your breath, thus not properly experiencing a meditation. This led me to guided meditations, where a gentle voice gives you instruction on when to breathe and what to focus on. These are also the meditations that have moved me to tears and began my journey of self love. I recommend guided meditation to all who practice, especially beginners.

Insight Timer App and Calm App are two of my favorite Apps to use when meditating. They keep track of when you meditate and for how long, and even give you encouragement along the way and connect you to people around the world who meditate! One night, Insight Timer let me know that over 6,000 people were meditating at the exact same time as me, all over the world.

So what about my anxiety? Oh right. We almost forgot that’s where this all started. That is exactly what meditation does. It allows you to put your focus on something healthy: yourself! Guided meditations have taught me to truly love myself, from my looks to the way I treat people and to acknowledging and being proud of the person I am today. Meditation has taught me that life was never supposed to be about finding a constant happiness, but about accepting the ups and downs of life and choosing to be happy in spite of it all.

Meditation is so much more than sitting in silence, and turning off your brain. A lot of the time, it’s taking ten minutes per day to listen to calm music or an inspirational voice that gives you a natural burst of energy and pure love for life.

In addition, meditation has many other side effects. It has given me confidence, expanded my social circle immensely (both by connecting with others who meditate and by becoming more willing to meet new people in general), and allowed me to understand that life is a never ending journey, not something to be conquered. It has taught me forgiveness, that nothing good comes from self shame, and has made me more aware of the totality of my actions. Instead of judging people, I now take time to understand them. Instead of trying to beat timelines, I embrace the “now” of life. Instead of worrying about what others think, or get worked up and stressed, I catch myself before I ever escalate out of control.

Has my monkey mind disappeared? No. But it sure has gone from an uncontrollable racquet to a whisper. Has my anxiety been cured? No. But I often forget I ever experienced it. Are my days perfect because I meditate? A big no. But I have never felt stronger, I have never loved myself more, and I have never welcomed the universe to send me the good with the bad before in my life than I do now.

In the past month I thought I was about to hit rock bottom and go through another earth shaking heartbreak. After a very brief and almost mellow panic attack and a day or two of sulking, I woke up one morning and said to myself, (with nobody around to witness,) “I am not going through another heartbreak. I am not going to devastate my life again.” From that moment on, the tears dried, and I brought into focus all of the blessings in my life. It was literally that simple, and a completely personal experience, and one I would not have experienced had I not taken up meditation practice.

I will leave you with this. You get to choose who you are in this world. You get to choose exactly who you want to be in any relationship you have, whether it’s a relationship with a stranger you hold the door for once, or a lover, or a close friend, coworker, sibling, parent, etc. You also get to choose the relationship you have with yourself. Everyday, over and over, you make this defining choice. I chose mediation 3 years ago and it not only saved my life, but it began it.

“…There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.” She Let Go by Safire Rose