A Massive Chess Set Comes Hurtling Down on DC Residents

Washington DC residents walking down the Union Square Station area on July 9th might have felt as if they mistakenly traveled through Alice’s looking glass.

Instead of the usual raindrops pattering down, walkers were met with bishops, knights, castles and pawns, every one of which had seemingly hurled itself from a nearby apartment building’s roof.

When they came plunging down eleven stories, two vehicle windshields were shattered, but all passerby were spared.

Peter J. Likus, a resident who was walking his dog at the time of the incident, states the culprits seemed to be aiming for his canine. A rock was thrown first, quickly followed by the entire chess board.

“[It sounded like] a loud explosion,” Likus told reporters. “The dog ran into the apartment. We thought it was a car accident. We came out and looked and [the rock] is what we found. And that’s when the chess pieces started flying off the roof.”

While some are inclined to believe the pawns and bishops grew tired of their rooftop life, apartment residents say similar instances have occurred before. Beer cans, cushions and other objects have also been propelled off the roof in what one resident called a common issue concerning “security breaches.”

Apartment managers suspect individuals are following residents into the complex and then wreaking havoc on the rooftop.

Even if any walker had possessed the common sense to carry an umbrella for the guerrilla warfare unleashed that day, they may have been forced into a serious check mate. Each of the 32 massive chess pieces tossed over the apartment building’s roof was said to weigh approximately 15 pounds. Additionally, they stood two feet tall and were encased in a hard plastic.

“If the chess pieces landed on a pedestrian in the right way,” Likus said, “they could have done serious damage or even killed the pedestrian.”

It would have been an interesting court hearing to say the least. When asked if wounds inflicted by falling chess pieces could be considered in a personal injury case, the attorneys at Chisholm, Chisholm, and Kilpatrick seem to believe it’s a possibility. “These cases involve injuries inflicted because of another party’s negligent actions,” says one representative.

Negligence occurs when an individual fails to exercise reasonable care towards others. We agree sending knights and pawns overboard could safely fall into the realm of negligence.

It wouldn’t be the first strange case to hit the courts. One need only consider the 2014 proceedings involving a pimp who claimed Nike should include warning labels on their shoes. After beating a man to death with his Nike Air Jordans, he sued the manufacturer.

Of course, no one would blame the victim of a flying bishop for seeking compensation.

Police believe four suspects sent the chess pieces to their demise, but the culprits disappeared. Officers are asking for help from anyone who has information about the incident.

No arrests have been conducted.