Don't Touch That Handle

So you think you’re safe in your own home. Well think again. Lurking just down the hall from your bedroom is a sinister device just waiting to catch you off guard in a private moment. If you listen carefully you can almost hear it chuckling and gurgling as it plots your demise. After years of servitude, it’s just not going to take any s**t from us humans anymore. Yes, I’m talking about the exploding toilet. 

No, this is not some Mythbusters fantasy. Tired of being the butt of jokes and potty humor, toilets have decided to revolt. The Flushmate high pressure flushing system used in some toilets sold at Lowe’s and Home Depot has already caused three tank explosions. There have not been any injuries reported yet, but this is only the opening salvo in what promises to be a long and grueling war. Mere product recalls are not going to save us. 

I’ve talked to the city about declaring a state of emergency, but they’re not sure how to handle the situation. The police haven’t had toilet training, so they don’t know how to identify, much less deal with these rogue toilets. And the new Emergency Management Agency doesn’t know if it has jurisdiction in these matters. So I guess we’re on our own. I sure hope the other appliances don’t get wind of our predicament and get any ideas of their own or it could spell the end of civilization as we know it. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to take any chances. I’ve barricaded the bathroom doors and we’re now sharing the litterbox with our two confused cats until I can get the permits for the outhouse in the back yard. I’m not looking forward to midnight trips to the privy, especially in this weather, but a man has to do what a man has to do to protect his family.