Top 10 Things I Did To Create Over Achieving Brainiacs, I Think.

Photo by Porapak Apichodilok

I brag on Facebook. I am human and a mom. I believe it is a requirement. It is in the rule book.

My oldest daughter is a sophomore in high school, is ranked #1 in her class of about 300, started a nonprofit and is the Drum Major in Band.

My son, is a freshman, is also ranked #1 in his class of about 300, is a chess protegee and a computer guru.

My youngest daughter is a freshmen, ended her 8th grade year in the top 10 of her middle school class of 150, was the president of the National Jr. Honor Society and on the Leadership Team.

This is the tip of the iceberg with these three young adults who I am proud to call my kiddos. So, I brag sometimes. I get many compliments on my children and I must admit, it makes me feel good. I also get questions.

The # 1 question I get is HOW. How did I create 3 young humans who continuously over achieve? I am going to tell you a secret, I am not sure.

When moms find out about my over achieving kids, they assume a few things. They assume that my kids are “smart” and they are naturally gifted intelligently. They also assume that I am a parent that oversees all their school work with charts and timelines.

I can tell you that neither of these are true. My kids are not the “smartest” in their grade levels and I know this because they are average on standardized tests. My children are not the “Albert Einsteins” that you would assume.

They do not come from a long lineage of “smart” adults in their family tree. I am a stay at home mom and their father is an electrician. Not the scholarly lot that one would think.

I am not a “dragon mom” who makes everyone sit at the kitchen table upon returning home from school. I don’t oversee my children’s homework and tell you the truth, at this point in time, I probably couldn’t even if I tried.

I will tell you what I did to mistakenly create these over achieving young humans. And what I did, might surprise you.

Here are the top 10 reasons, my kids over achieve as young adults.

#10. We’ve been realistic with a side of optimistic.

Kids have no bounds to their imagination and dreams for the future. My daughter wanted to be a dog until she was 3 years old. I had to be the one to tell her, that she could never be a dog. This was some harsh reality for my little one, but being realistic is crucial for guidance. I did tell her though, that she could be a veterinarian who works with dogs. This is realism with a side of optimism. Maybe you can’t be the first man on the moon, but you can be the first person on Mars.

#9. We instilled a place where they can fail.

It is not easy to be the worst, last place, a failure. In our home, it was okay. You could reach for the brass ring, miss it, have it hit you in the face and leave a mark. We never put expectations for greatness on our kids. They just had to try. This created an atmosphere where it was okay to try things and fail. We would talk about it, go have ice cream and try again. They learned that failure is part of success. They always knew that they can try and fail without it being a big deal.

#8. We have let them lead the way.

At some point in time, all kids want to achieve success. You must be quiet and wait. It cannot be your greatness though. It must be theirs. It might be in sports, where they want to be a better hitter. It might be in school where they want to get a good grade. I paid attention and listened.

One by one, each of my children wanted to master a skill. I did whatever I had to, in order to help them achieve their greatness. Many times it was small, but never under estimate small achievements. Each success builds on the next. Annais wanted to ride her bike, she did it. Joey wanted to get to the top of the climbing wall, he did it. Ava wanted to tie her shoes, she did it. Every desire to be great, was achieved or at least attempted by perseverance and practice. They learned that they can master skills by practice.

#7. We put a priority on school.

Kids watch you. They figure out what is important by what their parents put effort and time into. School is very important and I put special emphasis on it. I volunteered, I chaperoned, I went to every school function. I helped with homework. I paid attention to what they were learning and if they were having trouble.

I did all of this, but from the passive parent stand point. This is a balancing act for parents because you have to give them the reigns but be guiding from the back seat. Knowing when to jump in is the hard part. My guideline was always, if they seem frustrated or disappointed with a grade or project. That is when I jumped in to help figure out what was going wrong. Now, they monitor themselves.

#6. We have allowed them to be independent in their work

One of the hardest things I have done as a mom, was watch my 9-year-old create her a project in 3rd grade. She planned it, created and made it. From the side lines, I bit my tongue, sat on my hands and did nothing. The project turned out horrible, but it was all hers and she was so proud of it.

Let them create their own work. Sit back, bite your tongue and follow their lead. If they fail, they will learn. It they succeed they will learn. Either way it has nothing to do with you. They learned their success was in their own hands.

#5. We have talked about the future.

I let them know that one of the most important factors that determines your future is the your career. A successful career should make you happy and make you money. I want to be realistic here. I want my kids to be happy but struggling to meet the rent, does not make for easy days. A good career needs to be planned for. We have conversations about this. They have learned that what they do now, effects what they achieve later.

#4. We have always had a sense of humor.

We have always laughed. We have laughed in the face of the most horrible predicaments. Sometimes, many times, most times, if you can laugh about it, it is okay.. When the car breaks down on the way to the water park, laugh. When the ice cream melts in the back of the car, laugh. It is not that bad. They have learned that laughter is great medicine and to not take things too seriously. This too shall pass.

#3. We have advocated for our kids.

My first-born daughter had dyslexia. My son had a speech problem. My youngest daughter has always been painfully shy. I have always been an advocate for my kids. I fought with the school to get my daughter diagnosed with dyslexia. I fought with insurance to get my son in the early speech program. I advocated for my youngest to get in early preschool. My kids are not perfect, by no means. I have always advocated for their fullest potential though. I would accept nothing less. Believe me, it has not been easy, but I did it. And I did it, for my children to be the best that they can be. This has taught them that they are worth it and their feelings matter.

#2. You have to do YOUR best.

We have a saying in our house. “Shoot for the Moon and if you miss, at least, you will end up in the stars”. I want my kids to shoot for the best and brightest achievements. Strive for #1, try out for the team, run for the office. If you don’t get it, at least you tried, and you will be the better for it. Whatever it is. You don’t have to be the best. You just have to be your best. That is a huge difference. Failure is part of success and don’t take it personal. They learned to go for it and even if they do not succeed, you will walk away with that experience.

#1. We made them believe that they can.

Self-efficacy is the optimistic self-belief that you can accomplish a task. Basically, it is confidence. Self-efficacy has to be learned through mastery, observing role models and having influential people encouraging you. Belief in yourself is a powerful thing. Some psychologist believe that self-efficacy is just as important as skill when it comes to achievements. We have always told our kids that they can do whatever they want to. My son’s favorite quote is by Henry Ford. He said, “Whether you believe you can or you can’t, you are right”. This belief system that we have instilled in each of our children, has been the foundation, for all the successes they have achieved so far in their lives.

They have the belief they can, so they do.