Cantankerous Cuss In Iowa Dies, And His Obituary Is Just Perfect

SPILLVILLE, IA — The somber, staid obituary still exists, but more and more, Americans are choosing to offer a glimpse into the personality of their loved one in final tributes. Spillville, Iowa, resident Tim Schrandt, 63, must have been a cantankerous cuss — and proud of it — and his kin apologized in an obituary to all who ever met him, reasoning he probably said something off-color or offensive to them.

Schrandt’s obituary is chock-full of colorful anecdotes about the man who took on the nuns at St. Wenceslaus Catholic school in Spillville. The obituary said the nuns may have been the only people who ever got the better of the man who “made his last inappropriate comment on March 29.” That's the day he died after a short bout with cancer at Gunderson Health System in LaCrosse, Wisconsin.

“We’re not saying the nuns won, but they put up a good fight, we mean literally — he got into a fist-a-cuff with a nun,” Schrandt’s family wrote in the obituary. “In fairness, she probably started it. You didn't take a swing at Tim and not expect one back.”

To everyone who ever did meet Schrandt, “we apologize, as we're sure he probably offended you,” the family wrote. “He was world renowned for not holding back and telling it like it is.”

He was born on June 11, 1955, about “100 years too late,” according to the obituary, which said he “would have been the perfect weathered cowboy in the old west or rough and tough pioneer.” He was the fourth of eight children, “the bottom rung of the top tier (the big kids).”

“Instead of taking his place on that rung, listening to the older kids and doing as he was told by his older siblings, he decided to anoint himself ‘king’ of the 4 little kids,” the obituary continued. “Tim spent his childhood and early adulthood ordering them around and in general, tormenting them. He was a great orator, (not like Shakespeare, but more like Yogi Berra), as he always had something to say, and always had to get in the last word.”

Schrandt’s “fondness for authority (his own — not others) followed him to South Winneshiek High School in Calmar and later into the Army. This provided for many interesting episodes and stories, detentions and demotions, and a few ‘run ins’ with the law, not just locally, but globally,” the obituary said.

After leaving the Army, Schrandt worked as a tool-and-die maker for more than 30 years. There, he worked with friends and “a bunch of morons.”

“His words, not ours,” the obituary said. “Well not exactly his words because that would have included a bunch of swear words.”

Schrandt “leaves behind a hell of a lot of stuff that his family doesn't know what to do with. So, if you are looking for a Virgin Mary in a bathtub shrine (you Catholics know what we’re talking about) you should wait the appropriate amount of time and get in touch with them,” the obituary said. “Tomorrow would be fine.”

“Besides his stuff,” Schrandt is survived by two sons, Cody and Josh, and two granddaughters “he adored and taught to cuss.” Other survivors left “to keep the stories alive” — but “damn, there won’t be any new material,” the obituary noted — are his mother, Mary Manning, and siblings Mike Schrandt, Marty Berg, Becky Schrandt-Miles, Bill Schrandt, Pam Barnes and Peter Schrandt, and nieces, nephews and cousins.

His family imagines a reunion in the afterlife with family members who passed before him. “Tim was in charge of getting the beer and ice for our family reunions, so they will be happy to see him,” they wrote, noting that a crowdfunding campaign might be in order G. Heileman Brewing Co., the brewers of Old Style beer, as we anticipate they are about to experience significant hardship as a result of the loss of Tim"s business.”

“Keep them in your thoughts,” the family said.

Schrandt loved well and was well-loved.

“Despite his crusty exterior, cutting remarks and stubbornness, there is actual evidence that he was a loving, giving and caring person,” the obituary said. “That evidence is the deep sorrow and pain in our hearts that his family feels from his passing.

“Tim led a good life and had a peaceful death — but the transition was a bitch. And for the record, he did not lose his battle with cancer. When he died, the cancer died, so technically it was a tie! He was ready to meet his Maker, we're just not sure ‘The Maker’ is ready to meet Tim.

“Good luck God!” the obituary said.

Read the full obituary.