A Family Tragedy (Part 2): The Last Days

Editor's Note: The first part of this two-part series ran on Sunday, Dec. 2. You can read it here.

Sherri Sinclair had a tumultuous relationship with her daughter, Kelli Sly.

At times the Waukee woman and her 23-year-old daughter were close as they planned how to help Kelli fight her demons, care for her son and find work.

Then, problems would crop up and Sinclair would be shut out of her daughter's life and, by extension, her grandson Gavin's life, too.

Despite the struggle, what happened last March was unimaginable -- Kelli killed her 2-year-old son and the next day killed herself by driving her car into a concrete bridge support.

Sinclair chose to tell Kelli's story not only because it's cathartic, but because she hopes it might shed light on the difficulties of identifying and treating mental illness. She hopes that what happened to Kelli won't ever happen to anyone else.

A Ray of Hope in a Troubled Life

Sinclair says if there was one positive to come out of her daughter Kelli's short marriage, it was Gavin James, the son born Nov. 9, 2009.

"Maybe this was what Kelli's happiness would be. Maybe her happiness would be being a mom," says Sinclair.

But like most everything else in Kelli's life, raising Gavin was a constant struggle. With her husband, Tim, deployed to Afghanistan, money and childcare woes and Kelli herself unable to hold a job, it was just too much for the young mom to handle.

That said, by all accounts, Gavin was doing well. He was happy, healthy and a bit ornery, at times, but what 2-year-old isn't?

"I think she had it in her head that she had a son and she had a priority to take care of him," Sinclair says. "Kelli was a good mom. I never saw anything that made me concerned for Gavin. All the other stuff was just Kelli being Kelli."

Sinclair says despite reaching out to Kelli, she was often denied the right to see Gavin, her only grandchild. That hurt was the hardest to deal with, she says.

"I didn't get to see Gavin a lot," she says, regretfully. "He had two birthdays and I missed them both because Kelli was mad at me."

Kelli's First Suicide Attempt

In November 2011, all of that changed when Kelli tried, unsuccessfully for the second time, to take her own life.

Kelli and Tim, who were by then separated, shared custody of Gavin. On that November day, Tim picked Gavin up at Kelli's Indianola apartment for a weekend visit.

Hours later and with little explanation, Kelli slit the veins in her wrists, took a picture of herself with her cell phone and sent it to Tim.

"That was a close call," says Sinclair of the attempt. "Tim called 911 but it took them a while to find her. It made me realize how close I came to really losing her."

Soon after, Sinclair and her daughter reconciled. Together they made a commitment to rebuild their relationship, but to also work to make things better for Kelli and Gavin.

"We had five really good months together after that," remembers Sinclair. "We had a nice Christmas. Things were going well."

In January, Kelli suffered a setback after the landlord of her Indianola apartment served her with an eviction notice. Her neighbors had complained that Gavin's crying was a disturbance and they wanted the young family out of the complex.

"It was ridiculous," Sinclair says. "I told her, 'There's no way they can kick you out for that.' I had my attorney write a letter to the landlord and the whole thing was dropped."

Sinclair says by February, the two were formulating a plan for Kelli and Gavin. Kelli, who had just enrolled in the paralegal program at Des Moines Area Community College, would move into Sinclair's Waukee home, finish her degree, get a job and buy a house of her own where she and Gavin could make a fresh start.

On paper, the plan seemed, well, perfect.

"What I didn't realize until after she was gone was that she couldn't even see past tomorrow," says Sinclair.

Kelli and Gavin's Last Days

It was Friday, March 23, and Kelli Sly, out on spring break from classes at DMACC, was bored.

Sinclair says Kelli's brother, Brady, was coming home from college that weekend and she thought maybe it would be a good chance for the two to reconnect, so she invited Kelli to the house.

"I said, 'Why don’t you come stay and watch TV and relax? Gavin can play here and you can bring your laundry'," recalls Sinclair. "I remember her saying, 'Let’s go out and get a bunch of snacks for Brady when he comes home from school.' She was making an effort."

The day grew long, she was tired, and Kelli decided it was best if she and Gavin stayed overnight. Late the next morning, Kelli packed up and headed back to Indianola with Gavin in tow.

Not long after she arrived home, Kelli called her mom. She was sobbing.

"She said, 'Mom, I need to talk to you. I don't have any friends. I can't take it anymore'," Sinclair says. "I have no idea what precipitated it."

Sinclair says she told Kelli, who appeared fine just hours earlier, that they would get her help. She suggested a local mental health facility but Kelli worried they would take Gavin from her if she went there.

"She kept insisting they would take Gavin away from her," says Sinclair. "She was adamant and kept saying, 'They'll take Gavin away and you'll never see him again.' And I remember saying, 'You're not in any shape to take care of yourself, Kelli.' And she said, 'Mom, you're such a piece of (expletive).' And that's the last thing she ever said to me."

Around 3 that afternoon, Sinclair got a call from Kelli's estranged husband. He had also been in contact with Kelli and was concerned for her welfare.

"He said, 'You know what? I'm not messing around. I'm calling the police,'" says Sinclair.

Officers were dispatched to Kelli's apartment where, according to reports, everything appeared "neat and orderly." When they arrived, Kelli was giving Gavin a bath. Officers asked her how she was. She said she was frustrated that her husband wasn't there to help. She was angry, she admitted, but would never hurt herself or Gavin. As if to lighten the mood, Gavin hopped out of the bathtub and ran naked down the hall.

Sinclair says the officers were supposed to report back to her but no one did. A call to the department found that the case was closed when officers found nothing to give them pause to take Kelli away.

"I was pissed," says Sinclair. "I couldn't believe that they just stopped by, talked to Kelli and then left. I mean, she left here happy and later she calls and says she wants to kill herself. That's not fine."

The rest of the night, Sinclair's calls and texts to Kelli went unanswered until late that evening when Kelli forwarded a text message to her mom. It was from Tim. In it, he said he would come pick up Gavin the next morning and that he wanted Kelli to go with her mom to get help. Kelli said that's not what she wanted. That was the last exchange between Kelli and her mom before Kelli's death Sunday morning.

Events Spiral Out of Control

No one knows exactly what transpired later that night at Kelli's apartment.

What is known is that sometime late Saturday, Kelli gave her 2-year-old son a large dose of antihistamines, put him to bed, then cut her wrists and laid down next to him to die. 

Police reports say an envelope was found on the kitchen counter in Kelli's apartment addressed to Tim. It contained a letter, various legal documents, as well as some of Gavin's baby clothes.  

Sinclair says she's not sure exactly what happened that night. She believes that there's a chance Kelli gave Gavin the medication to help get him to sleep. Just days earlier, Kelli received a second eviction notice on the grounds the neighbors continued to complain about Gavin's crying at night.

"I think she was trying to get him to be quiet and she just overdid it," Sinclair says. Police say the level of medication in Gavin's system suggests his death was deliberate.

Sinclair thinks when Kelli realized that Gavin was dead, she decided to end her own life by slitting her wrists, neck and abdomen and laying down next to Gavin's body to die. Sinclair imagines Kelli waking up only to realize that her suicide attempt had failed. With Gavin now gone, Kelli had nothing left to live for, so she jumped in her car and drove it to her death, crashing into a bridge support.

"I don't know what happened. I just don't know," says Sinclair. "The whole thing is unthinkable. What she did took a lot of guts. But it's over. Her pain is gone." 

The Aftermath

Kelli was laid to rest on March 31, her son, Gavin, on March 29. Tim Sly, Gavin's dad, didn't want the funerals to be held together. The two are buried side-by-side in Glendale Cemetery in Des Moines.

Nine months later, Sinclair is dealing with what can only be described as a new normal, a normal that includes living with the idea that her daughter not only took her own life, but also that of her grandson.

"She was very unhappy on this Earth," says Sinclair of Kelli. "I hate that they’re both gone, but I know why Gavin is with her and I'm glad. If she had spared his life, he’d be with Tim and and we’d never see him. I understand why they’re together. I'm not OK that they’re gone, but I’m OK that they’re together."

Sinclair says she tries to focus on the good things to get her through the day -- her mom and her son, Brady. She also attends a suicide support group that has helped her deal with some of the hardest moments.

"We could have stopped Kelli that day, but she would have found another day," says Sinclair. "You wonder what was going on in her head in those final moments, but you really have no idea. When someone takes their own life, it's complicated. It sucks. And I'm always telling Brady, for unhappy as she was and as much pain as she was in, she's not anymore."

Sinclair says there is something positive that's come of losing Kelli and Gavin - she no longer fears dying.

"I just know that my outlook on dying has changed," she says. "It's almost like you have something to look forward to because you know that they’re waiting for you."

In the end, Sinclair wants people to what happened to Kelli and Gavin has elicited a range of reactions. But, unless you've been there, unless it happened to you, how you feel about it doesn't have much bearing on Sinclair and her family.

"She wasn’t mean, she wasn’t evil, she struggled inside," said Sinclair. "She didn’t do it maliciously. Kelli was a good mom and she loved Gavin very much. It’s easy to pass judgment about what you think you know, but unless you’ve lived it, you don’t know."

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How to Get Help

If you or someone you know is battling mental illness and doesn't know where to go to get help, there are resources available. Click here to find out where to go in central Iowa.