Authentic Forgiveness

Dear Rabbi,

As you know before one goes to sleep, they make an examination of the entire day, checking in on one’s relationships and forgiving by saying:

“Master of the universe! I hereby forgive anyone who has angered or vexed me, or sinned against me…” (see below for the full prayer said before going to bed).

I believe that I am an authentic individual. How can I say this prayer forgiving someone and then, when I see them next, I am still angry at them? They stole money from me in business and besmirched my reputation.

Your Friend,

Still hurting

Hey Still hurting,

I think there are two parts to this. One is how to protect yourself; are you required to continue to do business with someone who has hurt you? Are you required to remain in an unhealthy relationship, in the name of forgiveness? To that question the unequivocal answer is no! The Torah requires that we protect ourselves and keep ourselves healthy and safe. This includes being emotionally safe.

Forgiveness means that you take the personal anger out of the equation. For whatever reason, you were not supposed to receive the funds that that person scammed you out of. You can be angry that you lost the money yet recognize that having those funds was not part of the divine plan.

Forgiving means trusting that Hashem has a plan (this is not easy and a lifelong journey that we all go through) and believing that no human being has power over me. Forgiveness is really trusting in G-d and letting go of that other person’s baggage. Freeing yourself to live a truly authentic life with a real relationship with Hashem.

It’s a much larger discussion, but does this answer your question?

Rabbi Kushi Schusterman

Text of the prayer in english - from the Tehillat Hashem Siddur:
Master of the universe! I hereby forgive anyone who has angered or vexed me, or sinned against me either physically or financially, against my honor or anything else that is mine, whether accidentally or intentionally, inadvertently or deliberately, by speech or by deed, in this incarnation or in any other—any Israelite; may no man be punished on my account. May it be Your will. Lord my God and God of my fathers, that I shall sin no more, nor repeat my sins; neither shall I again anger You, nor do what is wrong in Your eyes. The sins that I have committed, erase in Your abounding mercies, but not through suffering or severe illnesses. May the words of my mouth and the meditation o f my heart be acceptable before You, Lord, my Strength and my Redeemer.־ - Followed by the Shema