What Goes On In The Chemo Room, Stays In The Chemo Room

Part 4 in a series

When you have cancer, chances are you don't even know it, because sometimes there are no symptoms. This to me, is why chemo was worse than the cancer itself.
There is no ignoring the therapy that you are receiving because, symptoms abound!
Each person's side effects are different. And, of course, never any good ones either. G-d forbid chemo could reduce wrinkles or improve your IQ!

One Thursday, I called my oncologist and asked if I could come in. hen I got there, I looked at him and said, "I can't do this anymore, I'm done." He looked at me and said, "I'll see you Monday." I said,"I'll see you Monday." I just wanted someone who "got it" to hear me out, and to know I was not having fun anymore. The bone pain was excruciating, the numbness in my feet, the fatigue, everything was getting to me. Some mornings, it would take me twenty minutes to come down the steps, some days, I had to sit to come down.

As soon as I was given Benadryl, I would be knocked out for a few hours. When I woke up, Mary and I would compare mouth sores, plan for our impending surgeries as if we were planning a wedding, as a lot goes into this, and our upcoming radiation treatments as if these were our honeymoon. You have to have some kind of fun as these are some long days at chemo.
Some days, I was so pumped up from the steroids, I would walk around the room as if I were walking the runway for New York fashion week, modeling my IV bags.

As chemo went on, so did chemo brain, to this day, I grasp for words. The only good thing was at least I knew that I don't know, as I certainly did not know the day I walked out with two different shoes on, or no eyebrows.

I am one that hates noise! With this being said, the chemo room itself, can be boisterous. The machines beeping, It was hot, it was cold, I was hot, I was cold. The televisions all on different stations, I could hear patients getting sick, I could smell their food. Visitors were talking, I know they were trying to be supportive, but their support bothered me. All of this combined sounded like I was in a chemo room at Grand Central Station.

During my chemo push, I would feel warm inside and, my cheeks would flush. As the nurse was pushing the chemo, I would visualize each cancer cell being destroyed, kind of like the chemo was an AK47, killing each cell separately. Hot and flushed, it was a glorious feeling to me and at that minute, I knew I was winning this round in my fight.

Everyone knows that patience is a virtue, and one that I don't have much of, however, I quickly became a stunning role model during this time, learning fast that chemo can't be rushed.
As the bags began to empty, I had a sense of relief/apprehension at the same time. Relief because this round was ending and apprehension because of the impending bone pain and fatigue that I would or would not feel a few days later.
tbc
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Beth