Parenting During the Pandemic

The earliest attributable piece of philosophical thinking came from Heraclitus of Ephesus who taught us that change is the only constant in life. That was around 500 BC and yet we still have problems coping with change. Why? The quick answer is because, as human beings and even more so as parents, we like control. The rate of change with Covid-19 has been like going full speed ahead and blasting into a brick wall. From all to nothing in a split second.

49 days ago our school district closed its doors to students. Three days before that, I was one of many that poured into the classrooms of their fourth graders for an open house, and then piled into the cafetorium for their music concert. Parents acutely aware of what was unraveling in the big wide world flinched as they walked past boxes of recorders all propped up in a cardboard box, mouthpiece against mouthpiece, waiting to be claimed by 200 budding musicians. Children stood like sardines on the stage as they clamored to get a view of their family in the tightly packed audience looking out and waving at them. Innocent coughs were met with sideways glances, sneezes were stifled, and handshakes were awkwardly replaced with fist bumps. Everyone was in mock horror as we anticipated what lurked around the corner for us, the calm before the storm.

Friday 13th March was day 1 of the school closure. Children rejoiced at an extended weekend and a week away from the school building while everyone figured out next steps. Through the eyes of a child this meant no getting up for the school bus, no lugging around a backpack the weight of a small toddler, no rushing from locker to classroom to lunch and back to rinse and repeat, no after school band practice, no soccer practice, no homework, no pressure. In stark contrast, the lens through which working parents viewed this shift lacked the rose-tinted filter. The absence of childcare options was anxiety inducing, as was the need to become a home worker overnight while looking after children who had no access to learning. The future began to look daunting. Change was happening at an alarming rate.

Schools developed alternative ways to teach students impressively fast, but it was still an overwhelming prospect to teach from home – not least of all for parents who had other hats to wear. A one-week closure turned into three weeks, which turned into the rest of the school year bringing unprecedented change and making parenting during the pandemic a long-term juggling act as we lose control of the things we have taken for granted for so long. Family schedules rule busy households and we thrive on routine. We have defined roles at specified times throughout the day. We have maintained control. Strip that away and we begin to experience a sense of loss not too dissimilar to grief. A loss of routine, a loss of the everyday norm, a loss of milestones that we should have been celebrating. Whether it is the high school student missing out on prom, the middle schooler unable to take the week-long field trip to Washington D.C, the elementary student unable to bond with their friends on a daily basis. As parents, we experience those losses right along with our children which makes them even harder for us to accept. We are faced with processing these changes in real time, in full view of impressionable minds and without time to reflect.

In addition, our usual support network has been reduced to – at best – a face on a screen. Those same screens that I have worked so hard to limit in my children’s lives which have become a much-needed part of their day. Without technology, we would be feeling a lot more disconnected from life pre-lock-down but even my children recognize that it’s not the same as physical touch. Social interaction has become a limited commodity. As a friend recently commented to me, we need to see people who don’t look exactly like us – meaning outside of our immediate family who we are self-isolating with.

Any kind of change is hard. Enforced change is harder. So while I struggle to find the right balance between parenting, teaching (I use this term loosely), and writing, I pay attention to the deeper appreciation we now have for things that we took for granted just a matter of weeks ago. That begins with an appreciation for each other. And while we are at home together keeping safe, we will change too, hopefully for the better.

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