4th and Forever: End of Year Awards

When I was young, mother used to say my reward for good deeds would be in heaven. The ethereal promise of salvation was clearly intended to deflect my mercenary desires from more immediate and tangible satisfaction. Of course, whether I ever earn mother’s pay-off will never be fully revealed while I’m alive so it all feels like a bit of a crock. I fear such delayed gratification wouldn’t sit too well with today’s Gen-I; theirs is a world of instant satisfaction guaranteed. And so, during a forced hiatus from more worthy pursuits due to the onset of Nemo, I got to thinking that I shouldn’t postpone any longer my end of year NFL awards. I call them the BOZOs, since unlike traditional awards for excellence, they celebrate crassness, fraud and unintended humor.

The Award for Best Performance in a Comedy belongs to Mark Sanchez of the New York J-E-T-S for the now infamous “Butt Fumble”. The play became an instant classic which transcended NFL lore and by universal acclaim passed into popular culture via You Tube. In truth, there was little competition for this award, since any time a player face-plants himself in the ample backside of his pulling guard and as a direct consequence of such humiliation fumbles the ball, it can truly be said he earned it. The fact the Sanchez plays for the J-E-T-S is merely the gift that keeps on giving.

The Award for Team Dysfunction, given annually to the most dysfunctional team and coach, also goes to the J-E-T-S and their coach, Rex Ryan, for their unmatched ability, both literally and figuratively, to put their collective feet in their mouths.  When one looks now at the embattled nature of the J-E-T-S, it is beyond astonishing to think that this team was one game away from the Super Bowl in 2009 and 2010. There’s a lesson there somewhere, but one should look no further than the leadership for answers. After all, a fish always rots from the head down.

(If I may be so bold as to indulge a purely arbitrary aside, while not all precincts have reported, I feel fairly confident the Lakers are firmly on course to becoming the NBA equivalent of the J-E-T-S: a non-playoff franchise with an addiction to tabloid tittle-tattle and scandal. To coin a humorous observation about the current state of the J-E-T-S and Lakers: Things are so bad, they’re stabbing each other in the front).

The O.J. Simpson Award goes to Ray Lewis in a landslide vote. Indeed, Lewis was a multiple winner this year. He was also the recipient of this year’s Tim Tebow Award for the player most likely to randomly quote scripture (“No Weapons”) and/or invoke the name of the Lord to justify his every action. Lewis won the trifecta by snagging a new category this year: The Lance Armstrong Award.  Aged 37, which in the life of a NFL player is in one’s dotage, Lewis made a truly remarkable recovery from a torn triceps muscle suffered in mid-October . He was back playing 10 weeks after surgery to repair the muscle, an injury which has a normal recovery timeframe of 6-8 months. I somehow doubt his recovery was entirely due to the power of prayer. Praise the power of chemistry, sayeth the Lord. Amen and Alleluia!

The Shannon Sharpe Award for the most annoying analyst was shared jointly this year by Dan Dierdorf and Phil Simms. Dierdorf appeared to have a lock on the award because of his impressively fatuous body of work, but there was a post season surge for Simms. The forced silence imposed on him during the Super Bowl by the power outage served only to enhance his chances, since the voters came to truly appreciate the full range of his annoyance during the blissful silence of the blackout. 

The Brat Award for worst temper tantrum goes to Coach Jim Harbaugh of the 49ers for his NFC Championship Game meltdown. The runner-up in this category was Coach Jim Harbaugh of the 49ers for his Super Bowl rant. Mum and Dad Harbaugh must be very proud.

The I’m-Taking-My-Ball-And-Going-Home Award goes to Titus Young, wide receiver for the Detroit Lions, who was dismissed from the team after deliberately sabotaging a play, to protest, somewhat perversely, not being sufficiently involved in the team’s offense. Young, a second round draft pick in 2011, is no stranger to controversy, having punched his own teammate, Louis Delmas, and twice being suspended for repeated insubordination. In the immortal words of Warren Zevon: “He’s just an excitable boy”. Young took to Twitter (what else?) to plead his case: “Never needed the money. Give me a dollar and a ball bet I come back #HallofFame.” Good luck on that, son. In 26 career games he has 81 receptions. No doubt some idiot team (J-E-T-S???) will sign him in the mistaken belief he can be reformed and rehabilitated. But as mother once remarked about Hamlet: “That boy saw ghosts, so why did no one believe him when he told them he was crazy?”

And finally, the Award for Most Meddlesome Owner, as it has for the past 15 years, goes to Jerry Jones of the Cowboys. In a move unprecedented in the annals of the BOZOs, it was revealed the voters unanimously gave the award to Jerry before the season even started. It can now also be disclosed that this award will in future be called quite simply the Jerry Jones. Rarely has one man wrought so much mischief with so little to show for it.