To The Love of My Life

Many of us believe in soul mates. You know, THE ONE. That one and only person in the entire universe that is the ying to our yang. The peanut butter to our jelly. The…okay, you get the drift.

Whether or not you subscribe to the notion of soulmates you likely do subscribe to some, if not all, of the tropes of what having a soulmate is widely accepted to mean. Being faithful to one another. Supporting each other in outside endeavors. Getting married. Having offspring. Growing old together ‘til death does you part. Yep, all of that. The whole shebang. So, if we do believe that there is only one special person out there for us, why then do so many of us act like fools when we date?

Speaking for myself, a 42 year old white(ish) male, who has never married and has no children, the dating world is equal parts horrific car wreck, roller coaster crazy, and kid in a candy store fun. Yup, all three of those things sum up the current dating landscape. A fine mixture of pleasure and pain, which most of us revel in while going through it even though we constantly say we are not. But why is it horrific? Well, there are a few reasons.

Let’s start with unrealistic expectations. I’ve taken to online dating to meet most of the women I’ve gone out with since being single (nearly a year now). While I will ALWAYS hold tight to the idea that no one should EVER “settle” for less than they want, holding people to near unreachable expectations is a bit much. And why do we do this? Because we believe our soulmate is out there, and that she or he will surely align their lives to the myriad of hopes we’ve set for this person to meet. If you’re a single dad you probably want a younger woman without kids, who will love yours and won’t want more. Maybe a single lady of 28 wants to meet a man, who is “ready to settle down,” and is prepared to walk down the aisle before long. Whatever the case is, your expectation of what is attainable and what is realistic are very likely somewhat skewed.

Now, that certainly does not mean that it is impossible to find someone, who fits some of your major check boxes, and in all honesty that’s how it should be. Hitting the “major things” is important. If you want kids don’t date someone, who constantly verbalizes their disdain for having children. If you’re a smoker it is probably not a good idea to date someone allergic to smoke, or who cannot tolerate you constantly smelling of tobacco. I think you understand what I’m saying, which is simply this - temper your expectations. When you are realistic about what someone else can and likely will bring to your life you can more easily avoid the “car wreck scenario,” wasting months or years of your life trying to change someone you probably should never have developed a serious relationship with.

As for the crazy, I think all of us single people know what that entails. Creepers, who will go “deep into the feed” on all of your public social media feeds. Stalkers, who will quite literally stalk your entire F’ing life IRL and online, messaging your friends & family to ask about you, showing up at your work, gym, or home, etc. The bat sh*t crazies are out there, and if you are not more careful with whom you open up to you could quite literally be opening your door to countless amount of dopes, who will screw up your life for months on end.

When I am single I do tend to date women I would typically not date long-term, because I want to give others a chance. You never know what is beyond the physical unless you give someone a chance, so I’ve dated women with face piercings, green hair, heavily tatted, and more. These are the types of women I wouldn’t naturally gravitate towards, but giving those dates a shot are eye-opening if nothing else. I get to learn about other points of view, I grow more accepting and tolerant of things I was previously closed off to, and I get to be a better man by listening and developing as a human being by spending quality time with others who are likely not within my social circles.

But, let’s not kid ourselves. All of this doesn’t mean you should be dating someone so outside of your social norms or comfort levels. If the mere thought of blood makes you queasy, dating the goth dude who is into vampirism isn’t the best choice, you know? So, while it is most certainly a good thing to step a bit out of our comfort zone to meet others you may not otherwise communicate be sure that you are not opening yourself up too much, so that you can more easily monitor the amount of crazies you are allowing to share your time with.

Furthermore, I think the kid in a candy store scenario is probably pretty self-explanatory. Women are no longer (or at least less likely to be) sexually prohibited, so the dating world is super f’ing fun right now. Like…a LOT of fun. If you’re into making love while being shaved from head-to-toe, guess what? There’s someone out there for you with a subscription to Shavers Monthly (probably a real magazine). If you love slapping your paramour in the face with a side of raw beef as you engage in sexual congress I can guarantee you there’s a place to find someone for you. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of compatible “freaks” out there for all of us, who not only accept our differences, but who often times enough build their lives around them. So, go out there and eat that candy. Shave that body. Slap that beef (no pun intended). Do whatever the hell it is that you’ve always wanted to try or long to do on the daily. You’re not alone. But this does lead me to a final thought. Do what you do, but be mindful of the consequences.

Maybe soulmates exists, and maybe they don’t. I like to think that if they do I have to live my life with her in mind (most of the time). I can’t go too crazy, because if I do the “one I’m supposed to be with for life” may take one look at my prior indiscretions and think twice about giving me a shot. She may see some social media posts and come to the realization that I am not the best person to be around, or that her family may dislike me for what I’ve said or done in the past.

Thus, to the love of my life I say this – I hope you are out there. I hope you are learning from every experience. I hope that you are becoming a better person each day, growing from every positive and negative relationship you’ve gone through until the day we are together. I wish you a lifetime of memories, some of which we will share and laugh about, and others you’ll keep just to yourself. I want you to know that I am trying too.

I am trying to be a better man every day. I am hoping that I am communicating with positive-minded individuals, who will help expand my thoughts on the world and those we share this planet with. I have faith that I am experiencing life in such a way that will make our relationship that much more rich and fulfilling. I don’t know if you’re out there, and if you are if you are reading this now or not. But I know this…

Whatever it is I have done and may do before I call you my girl, I have done them with wonder and a curiosity for the world in which we live. I promise you I am a better man for it all, and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and tell you all about it one day.

Or you don’t exist and soulmates are complete B.S. Either way.