How to Spot, Confront and Prevent Bullying: Local Expert Offers Tips

Instructors at PRO Martial Arts demonstrate a technique kids who are bullied can use to free themselves from physical confrontations without violating their schools’ zero-tolerance policies for fighting. (Photo submitted)

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October is National Bullying Prevention Month. Patch talked recently with Mike Murray of Royal Oak, whose new PRO Martial Arts school in Troy offers a bullying and predator prevention program, called Armor, that teaches children how to stay safe in an increasingly dangerous world.

Murray, 52, brings personal perspective to the instruction. As a second-grader, he often walked a couple of blocks out of his way “to avoid one street corner in order to make sure I would steer clear of a bully.”

Decades later, Murray’s voice betrays the lasting effect bullying can have.

“If I had to walk that way, I can still remember trembling or being fearful that could would be there,” he said. “No kid should have to feel that way.”

Tell Us:

• Have you ever been bullied or witnessed an act of bullying? How did you confront the behavior?

His own experiences as a youngster fueled his interest in anti-bullying programs. They occurred during a short period of his life, he said, but had “a huge impact.”

The school Murray and his wife, Mena, opened two months ago is the fourth PRO Martial Arts school in Michigan. Others are located in Lake Orion, Novi and Canton.

Murray said he’s interested in going to area schools and offering presentations on how kids who are bullied can stand up for themselves without violating schools’ zero-tolerance policies for fighting.

Read the Q&A below.

What’s the difference between being teased in a way that may be hurtful and being bullied?

There’s a big difference between being teased once and being bullied. It has to be intentional, it has to be repeated and it has to be harmful. It’s important to make sure a teacher or trusted adult knows about it. It’s not tattling, which is reporting something that isn’t critical, but if someone doing repetitive, intentional and its hurtful and harmful, that’s telling, that’s not tattling.

Are kids who are bullied still reluctant to talk about it, or are awareness campaigns like National Bullying Prevention Month removing some of the stigma and fear?

No one wants to be seen as weak in front of parents and kids, but there is growing peer pressure against the kids who bully. In the last three weeks, we’ve had three different students come into our school to attend our Armor class, and they all mentioned they had been a victim of bullying that very day. They were very forthright about it. There’s growing peer pressure against bullies.

It’s great they are feeling more empowered to raise it as an issue, before it take over their lives and makes it unbearable. There are statistics that show 15 percent of all kids in school have missed at least one day out of fear of being bullied. Bullying almost rivals illnesses as a reason for kids being out of school.

What do you say to people who believe kids who are bullied should just “toughen up”?

It’s unbelievable how devastating it is for a kid to be repeatedly picked on and humiliated in front of their friends. It affects every part of their lives – emotionally, psychologically and physically.

From what we’ve seen, the kids who do receive training not only seem to be better equipped to deal with the situation themselves, but also to help their friends and others. They have a heightened sense of awareness about other kids being bullied, and that makes a big difference.

How can kids learn to spot bullies?

There are a lot of red flags that have to do with kids who may be short-tempered, kids who are quick to blame others, kids who maybe are quick to not only absolve themselves of situations but also quick to make fun of others.

But just because a kid might fit one of those criteria doesn’t necessarily mean the kid is a bully. A bully can be anyone, and isn’t walking around with a mask or carrying a weapon. It could be a popular kid, a kid who is very introverted, a younger kid or older kid, a big kid or a small kid, a boy kid or a girl kid.

Bullies are evaluated by their behaviors, what they do and how they act. We don’t want kids to be judgmental or judge right away on every behavior, but we want them to be aware of some of the signs of a bully.

Are there red flags parents should be on the lookout for if their child is being bullied?

I can’t emphasize enough the importance of very clear communication between children and adults – regularly, and not superficially. Make it clear to children that it’s critical if someone is bullying them that they talk to their parents immediately.

We spend a lot of time talking about red flags with kids and parents: attitude or behavior changes, children’s level of enthusiasm for going to school, changes in their personal relationships and how much time they’re spending at home or alone.

We talk in particular with parents about the importance of monitoring their children’s time online. Bullying isn’t new, but there are new opportunities for kids to be bullied, especially in the age of social media. That has made it very easy for kids to bully others.

What can parents do about that? Shut down their Facebook and Twitter accounts?

They just need to use common sense and monitor not only the amount of time their children are allowed to be online, but also where they are allowed to be online. We recommend that if they’re on a computer, laptop or tablet, they need to be in a family space, not alone in their bedrooms.

There are all kinds of tools in place to restrict access, and parents should take advantage of them. It’s not a matter of not trusting your child, but the trust you have in the rest of the world. Their children may be very savvy, well-meaning and great kids, but you’ve got to watch who you let in your home.

There are certain places – a dark school yard – you would never let your children alone. You’ve got to consider the Internet the same way.

What are some practical things kids can do to stop bullying?

We spend a lot of time working on confidence and assertiveness. I like to think the training they’re getting in martial arts makes them physically more able to handle themselves in defensive situations with others, and they naturally come away with more confidence.

They want to pick on someone they perceive is weaker, so we talk to kids about how to portray themselves as being strong and confident. To project that, it’s important to look bullies in the eye, for kids to walk with their shoulders back and good posture in ways that exemplify what a person of confidence is. A bully doesn’t want to confront someone who will stand up; they want someone who will cower.nBeyond that, don’t take the bait, don’t respond.

Does that always make the bully back down?

If the bullying is ongoing, kids need to bring it to the attention of a teacher or trusted adult, but if they find themselves being confronted physically, they need to be able to get themselves out of the situation.

You can get free without fighting.Our self-defense training teaches children techniques that will allow them to get free of a situation without violating their school’s zero-tolerance policies for fighting, versus immediately showing a fist and escalating the situation.

That doesn’t send the right message, and if you respond in kind to the bully, that’s exactly what they want.

Kids often say reporting the behavior causes it to intensify. Is that true?

That’s why this awareness is so important. Through campaigns like Bullying Prevention Month, kids are starting to learn there is no shame in bringing it to attention to parents and teachers. There’s no stigma to it. Campaigns like this may be only one month on a calendar, but in schools, it’s a priority throughout the year.

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