In The Locker Room

There is a saying that the true demonstration of one’s character happens when no one is looking. I believe this, and it sends chills down my spine because there are times when no one is looking that I display the worst traits and behaviors of myself. Because no one is looking, I can be grumpy and bitter and just plain mean. Moments when I am my worst versions of myself because I’ve had a bad day or felt deeply wronged. We’ve all been there.

Then, there are situations when I am among people in a private setting where I feel secure and bond with others. This can look like a gathering of women holding babies in varying stages of contented smiles and disgruntled yelps, or sitting ’round a table, heads slightly bent with intent listening, delicately holding half empty wine glasses.

In these moments, in these settings, with these people, I can be candid in ways I may normally not be. I might say and share things that I would not to my husband, or my co-workers, or the general public. Things that may strike me as funny or clever at the time, but may in fact be off-color or sexist or deeply biased if vetted by the public. We’ve all been there.

So I understand the idea of off the record banter. Of letting your hair down and expressing private thoughts never meant for the public. I think we all do. But I think at the heart of these moments—be it alone or with others—we allow ourselves the opportunity to express our hidden selves. Parts we normally don’t “let out” but are what we harbor inside.

The idea that abusive and derogatory views about women, as Donald Trump expressed in his video eleven years ago, should be a tolerable or acceptable form of male intimate bonding is repugnant. The idea that “these things are said,” that it is nothing more than “locker room talk,” is an unbelievable attempt to dismiss profane behavior.

The idea that there is a safe zone—the locker room—in which men can systematically debase and belittle women, that “all men” do this at one time or another is wrong and insults their sex. Not all men are like this. The ones who aren’t, are the ones I want to see in office.

The fact that Trump’s views of women were shared in a private moment is even more telling of his true nature. The defense that this was recorded eleven years ago, before he was in politics, doesn’t soften my opinion. I have heard just as damaging and insulting commentary about women, minorities, and other experienced elected officials in public while running an active political campaign. Trump’s private and public self doesn’t seem to have much of a gap. He has blatantly and unabashedly showed us his character, over and over—audience or not, there is no filter or regulation of his person.

We are all looking. And it hasn’t seemed to matter one bit.

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