Finding Peace When Grief Makes Holidays Painful

by Karen Wall

For many people, the holidays are a time of joy and festivities and family. But for someone who’s grieving a loved one, the joy of the season can be replaced by deep sadness.

So how do cope when everyone around you is smiling and laughing and singing?

How do you help a friend or a family member who’s facing the holidays without a loved one -- especially for the first time.

The best thing to do is talk about it, said Kevin Kane, a licensed clinical social worker and bereavement counselor at Holy Redeemer Hospice of Ocean County. Based in Toms River, the organization provides care for patients who are dying of an illness as well as support services for their families and caregivers. “In our society, the whole issue of death is looked at as taboo. It’s not polite conversation. We skirt around it, shy away from it.”

But often, Kane said, talking is exactly what a person who is grieving needs to do -- and they need someone who is willing to just listen.

“A lot of it is just validation of their feelings,” he said, “acknowledging the person is hurting. People don’t expect someone to have a magic wand that will bring their loved one back.”

While that is true at any time when someone is grieving, the holidays can exacerbate the pain, making it more important to reach out and be a listening ear, Kane said.

“Everybody thinks they have to be out of a Norman Rockwell painting,” he said, “but when you walk into that room and the turkey’s there, and everyone else is there except Mom, it can really intensify those feelings.”

“That’s just human nature,” he said.

Those feelings aren’t just limited to the immediate weeks after a loved one has died, either, he said. ”True grief doesn’t start sinking in until three months after someone’s death.” And that’s when they can really need support.

So what should you do if you are grieving a loved one at the holidays?

“Do whatever works for you,” Kane said. Start a new tradition, if the traditions that remind you of the person are too painful. Or incorporate things that remind you of the person into your celebrations if doing so brings you comfort.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, slow down, take a few steps back from the hustle and bustle of the season, he said.

If you are a family member or a friend of someone who is grieving, remember that there’s no time limit on grief.

“If 10 years down the line you’re still so grief-stricken that you can’t get off the couch, then yes, that’s a problem,” Kane said, but otherwise, you need to give yourself permission to grieve. And to ask for help.

“We are afraid of being selfish and we don’t like to look weak,” he said, but we shouldn’t worry about that. ”Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need help.”

If you are grieving the death of someone, here is a 10-point list developed by Holy Redeemer to help you cope with bereavement during the holiday season:

1. Be kind to yourself. Be among people with whom you feel free to be yourself. Set some time apart for quiet remembrance.
2. Do what you want to do, not what you “should” do.
3. Plan ahead. Do a few special things with a few special people, not everything with everybody.
4. Set limits. Be on a stress-reduction diet this holiday season.
5. Tell others clearly what you want and need for the holidays.
6. Create new rituals.
7. Take time to rest and relax.
8. Realize it is normal to have feelings of sadness and depression.
9. Allow yourself to be human. Avoid perfectionistic expectations during the holidays.
10. Celebrate life.

If you have a friend who you can tell is struggling, “reach out to them,” Kane said.

Things you shouldn’t do:

1. Don’t tell them to “get over it,” or “snap out of it.”
2. Don’t tell them -- particularly a widow/widower -- that they will move on. Not everyone does, and at the holidays, the feelings they had for that person are intensified by the memories of holidays past.
3. Don’t say you know what they feel. “Even if you have suffered a similar loss, everyone’s experience is different,” Kane said.
4. Don’t do anything that devalues their loss, because no matter what, their lives are different now.

“A lot of people are afraid of saying the wrong thing,” Kane said, so the best solution is “don’t say anything glib.

“Just listen.”