My Wife Has a Problem With Intimacy

Dear Stella: We've been married for 28 years, and my wife has been very, very repressed in being able to both communicate and also in being able to express her sexuality. We've been in therapy for this for 2 years and it's getting better, but my patience is about at an end. I need for her to open up to me, both verbally and sexually. She's making such slow progress that I just don't know if I can wait for years more, and feel miserable and frustrated and depressed that whole time, instead of just figuring I can't change her and getting a divorce and starting a new relationship. I don't want to throw away my marriage, but she openly admits that sex just isn't important to her, and it very important to me (it's a rejection issue for me). Any suggestions? - Stan

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Dear Stan: I believe that opposites attract and that we each have something to learn from and to teach our mate. It is usually a man who teaches a woman that her body is beautiful and something to be proud of and enjoy. He also teaches her to become more physical, to enjoy sex, to relax and have fun. This is natural for a man because most of his life he reacts in a physical way. A man gets easily aroused by looking at a woman whether it be on film or in a magazines. His response is immediate and his reactions tend to be physical. If a man is a great lover, he has been taught tenderness, understanding, appreciation, sensitivity and patience. For a woman, sex is not an immediate reaction. It's usually a decision she makes mentally, not physically, when she is in the mood for sex. If your wife has told you that sex is not important to her, it may be a result of a lack of emotional fulfillment. If there is not a feeling of closeness, caring and understanding, she will not respond in the bedroom. Her mind is in control of her body.

As for her ability to communicate, I'm going to assume that you've always been the more verbal and outgoing one. I teach people that you need to see your mate's traits in the same loving light as you did at the beginning of your relationship. You were attracted to your mate because of your differences. Can you imagine if you and your mate were both verbal? You'd always be competing for air time. If you were both quiet types, the silence would drive you crazy. Since you are the more verbal partner, the responsibility for deepening your communication will probably be yours. Encourage her to speak more and when she does, make sure you listen. Just because you have a different communication style doesn't mean you can't appreciate each other. I'm sure you've told your wife how unhappy you are with her. If she agreed to go to therapy there was a definite desire on her part to improve her communication skills and express her sexuality. Don't give up now when you are finally seeing some improvement, no matter how small. She's finally making some progress and it's important to let her know how much that means to you. If you remain critical, demanding and impatient, there will never be any reason for her to try to please you or make some changes.

Think about all the life experiences you've shared and memories you have. Don't throw it all away. Something has kept you together for 28 years and I think with a little more tenderness and support, you'll have another 28! - Stella.