Holidays Complicate Grief: Counselors Advise, Stay Attentive

By Syndie Eardly

Life is piling on this year.

The COVID-19 Pandemic. Parents and school leaders struggling with education protocols. Families separated from their elderly parents and grandparents. Funerals and weddings curtailed due to the virus. A complicated election cycle. And in some parts of the country, hurricanes and wildfires. There is plenty to grieve this year. But for those who have lost someone in recent months or years, the upcoming holidays present even greater challenges.

Bereavement counselors with Holy Family Hospice in Parma note that the holidays are a special time of year where family and friends come together in celebration and tradition. But they can also be a poignant reminder of a loved one who has passed or other losses that we are grieving.

“The financial stress and complicated family dynamics of the holidays can become magnified for someone who is grieving,” said Erin Hout, M. ED, LPC.

Carrie Nicholas, MSW, LSW, added that there is also an expectation at the holidays that you have to be happy. “When you are grieving, you aren’t happy. If there is an expectation that the grieving person is going to be happy, because it’s the holidays, it could make that person feel out of place.”

Hout and Nicholas, who see clients individually and co-facilitate various support groups both at Holy Family and in the community, noted that often times someone who is grieving wants to stay away from holiday events, but are pressured into attending, sometimes because their family thinks it will make them feel better and more often because they may think the person is – or should be – done grieving.

Nicholas said people who are currently grieving have found a silver lining to the COVID-19 pandemic because it gives them a natural out. “People understand if you say you are not attending an event because of COVID, but often times don’t understand if you stay away because you are grieving.”

COVID-19 has further complicated the grieving process in 2020, according to Hout, who cited the vast numbers of people who could not be with their loved one as they died, whether because they had COVID or because they were elderly.

“During the lockdown in the early days when everything shut down, people put grief on pause,” she said. “They couldn’t grieve. They couldn’t be with their families. Some people are still going through that.”

Nicholas also noted that people who are grieving often experience increased depression and anxiety, as well as anger and sadness leading up to the holidays.

“Holidays increase all those things that already existed,” she said. “Acknowledge to yourself what you are feeling. Give yourself permission to do what you have to do for yourself during the holidays.”

She encourages her clients to find a balance as they approach the holidays. “It is OK if you want to take time away. If you don’t want to do anything, give yourself permission to stay home. But you don’t want to isolate too much, because that can also lead to depression. Eventually, you will want to push yourself to take part again. But it’s important to do it gradually; take baby steps.”

Another tool Hout offers her clients is to consider how they might remember their loved one as part of the holidays.

“There are things you can do to honor your loved one within the holiday traditions,” Hout said. “Most importantly, acknowledge the loss; don’t let it be the elephant in the room. Acknowledge that this person lived. Memorialize them in some way, for instance by having their picture present.”

Nicholas and Hout also suggested conducting a ritual around the holidays to remember someone, for instance a candle service or by writing a letter to the loved one, noting that symbolic rituals can be tremendously helpful in the grieving process.

To offer additional insight and suggestions, Hout and Nicholas are presenting two online programs titled Coping with Grief During the Holidays on Nov. 22 and Dec.12 through Centering Space. There is no fee for the presentation, but voluntary donations benefit Centering Space. Interested parties can register at https://centeringspace.org/ or call (216) 228-7451.

The two bereavement counselors also coordinate a monthly memorial mass put on at Holy Family Hospice as well as different bereavement-related presentations both at Holy Family and in the community. Due to COVID-19 they also offer telehealth services, which include individual counseling over the phone and a monthly virtual support group.

In conclusion, Hout offered a final encouraging word for those currently dealing with grief. “Remember, the holidays can also be a time of hope, offering us opportunities to be with others and spiritual tools to help us heal from our loss.”