To Freshmen, Love Seniors: Welcome to the Real World

Few things in life are as exciting and simultaneously terrifying as one’s time in college. Now that the past four years have all but vanished in a whirlwind of job applications, carefree nights out on the town, and movie marathons (or some ungodly combination of the three), it’s time to get your act together and hear a little real-world advice on how to survive your next four years in college.

I bet you thought you were so popular freshman year when you gained 140 Facebook friends and just knew you were going to be BFFs with all of them. You were wrong. By senior year, you’ll almost assuredly become a disgusting hermit who only leaves the house to restock the Lunchables inventory. You’ll see your best friends accepting six-figure jobs with Goldman Sachs and realize you just spilled coffee on your half-finished resumé. Where did you go so wrong? You disgust me.

You may be thinking, “Is this all worth it?” when the ritual of going out with friends slowly devolves into watching Netflix in bed with your significant other, a.k.a. a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. Or when the most agonizing paper you’ve ever written doesn’t even come close to the terror of submitting your first cover letter. Or the moment you realize the physical fitness class you skipped freshman year could really come in handy after your beer belly starts influencing your wardrobe decisions. Because now on Wednesdays you wear pink because everything you own is pink because you don’t have the energy to separate your laundry because you’re hot garbage.

For some, it’s a challenge just to get out of bed in the morning. For others, the challenge amounts to balancing three jobs and a full load of classes (mad respect). But for all of us, the biggest challenge of all is learning how exactly to become an adult.

Take comfort in knowing that nobody knows how to be an adult. Adults still argue over their favorite Disney movies and eat Nutella from the jar. Nobody knows what being an adult “feels” like. The only noticeable difference in becoming an adult is realizing that things get easier.

You begin to appreciate all the quirks your school has to offer and can finally go out for drinks with your favorite professor. You can proudly give accurate directions to hopelessly lost freshmen asking how to get to the obscurely named hall on the other side of campus.

Cherish those uncomfortable ‘getting to know you’ exercises and the bliss of answering, “What’s your major?” with the tried-and-true classic, “I’m still deciding.” The only question you’ll hear for the rest of your life is “What do you do for a living?” You obviously made the wrong choice deciding against becoming a professional lemur trainer.

Power through. Even though the week everyone on campus plays ‘Humans vs. Zombies’ is worse than having glaucoma. Even though all your Facebook friends are getting engaged and you can’t even decide which set of pajama bottoms are clean enough to wear to class. Power through. It will all be worth it once you’re bearing the weight of soul-crushing debt and choosing a health plan that covers glaucoma. The feeling of holding your degree when you walk across stage at graduation will bring it all home.

Wait, what? They mail those to you now? Never mind, back to watching “The Little Mermaid.”