How Did We Miss it?

clNothing hits the news faster then a shooting or in the incident a stabbing at a local school.  We hear the same dialog, why did they do this, what was the reason, were they bullied, abused, etc.  All of us struggle trying to find a reason because if we have that we can then prevent it in the future, but can we.  In my past postings I suggested that as a society we have gone from small towns to large suburban communities.  We live in a world that moves 24 hours per day and seven days a week.  What did we miss?  We did not miss it, we did not stop long enough to notice.  Several years ago I was counseling with a family their issues involved lack of communication.  When I suggested a time for the next session they pulled out a calendar filled with events, appointments, school functions, that started at 3:30 each day and ended at 9pm, including weekends.  I suggested that spending less time running the kids to different events and taking that time to be together at their home talking and listening to each other.  "How was your ?"  A simple question can lead to an hour or more of conversation.  One mother told me that when she asked that question and insisted she really wanted to know the answer, she got a huge surprise.  The child she assumed was happy go lucky with lots of friends and no problems, revealed a life at school where he was harassed, threatened, bullied and this treatment was ignored by the teachers and other school officials he complained to.  His close friends were also treated this way by one individual.  My guidance included empowering mom, dad and their son to attack this loudly and aggressively.  This turned out to be the most effective way to handle this.  The family went to the teachers, the parents of the bully, the school board, the police, the superintendent and the district attorney.  These people were involved only when the person notified before did not take an active part in creating a plan to create a safe environment and prevention of the abuse.  The community police, church along with the school were all aware of the problem and started talking to each  other.  The information shared amazed all of them.  All of them had pushed the signs of the troubled bully aside and looked to the abused child as a complainer, they told him to ignore  the kid.  That may have worked if the bully had not stalked these kids.  This information changed the way this issue was handled, it now involved the police and the D.A..  Dialog, the sharing of information changed the outcome in a hopeful positive result.  The school became more active in listening, observing, being more involved and available to the students, to each other and to parents.  They were able to work with the family of the bully to inform them what was going on with their child, they were not aware of any problems.  Now everyone is made aware and an action plan could be put in place.  I can not say that this will work in every case but it may be a start.  Talk to your kids, their friends, teachers, be observant and reveal your insights and observations.  Share any concerns.  We can no longer put our heads in the sand.  We need to speak up loudly, as many times and to as many people as needed to be heard. The squeaky wheel gets the oil.