Best Chuck Norris Facts For His Birthday

HOUSTON, TX — At the end of this month, Chuck Norris' calendar will go from March 31 directly to April 2, because nobody fools Chuck Norris. But on March 10, it's the martial arts expert's birthday. The man who has an extra fist underneath that beard turned 78 on Saturday, and we dug up some of our favorite Chuck Norris, um, facts.

See, there are some things you joke about, and then there's Chuck Norris, where it's all business. Before we delve into the facts, here's another real item. In his Navasota ranch just north of Houston, an aquifer under his land produces water from the most recent ice age — from 23,000 years ago. No joke. The water is pipelined into his own C-Force Bottling plant.

And before the "facts" are unveiled, it must be stated that, no, Chuck Norris didn't karate chop or front kick anything on his Navasota ranch to disrupt an aquifer. And no, it's not his sweat that trickled through volcanic rock and filtered into high-quality H2O that packs a punch.

To celebrate Chuck Norris' birthday, here are some of our favorite all-time facts:

• Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
• Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
• Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
• When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
• Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
• When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
• Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
• A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
• When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
• Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
• The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.
• Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
• Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
• Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
• When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
• Chuck Norris can speak French… In Russian.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
• Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
• The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

Top Image: An Oklahoma State Cowboys fan holds an image of Chuck Norris during the first half against the Baylor Bears on October 29, 2011 at Boone Pickens Stadium in Stillwater, Oklahoma. (Photo by Brett Deering/Getty Images)