Handling Tough Parenting Moments: The Best Advice I’ve Received

The other day my almost three-year-old had a crying fit for 30 minutes because I wasn’t reading the right words to his favorite PHOTO book. Yes, I repeat, a photo book. Without any words. He’s a toddler, and of course, his tantrums and irrational moments are normal. He might be overtired or hungry — or he might just have my crazy genes. Either way, raising a child is the best and hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Many toddlers won’t sit still, listen to you or even like you for a good part of the day. They will refuse to do the most basic things at times and challenge you to your core if you let them. My kid hates putting on his shoes, and because I don’t want to hear him cry and protest, I allow him to be barefoot, carrying him everywhere until he absolutely has to stand on the floor. (He’s more than 30 pounds!) Still, even as he resists and pushes me, my heart explodes with the deepest love I’ve ever felt every time I look at his face. Motherhood is just wild.

But how does one keep it together when parenting in these moments? And if these toddler moments can trip me up now, what happens when he’s a crazy hormonal pre-teen with car keys and he tests me in real ways?

While we parents are always the real “experts” when it comes to raising our children, it doesn’t hurt to also get a few tips from others as well.

Dr. Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, a mom and friend in my area, just released a book called “The Tantrum Survival Guide.“ In it, she says, "We all know that tantrums are a normal part of toddler development, but a deeper understanding of why this is the case can help keep us sane during challenging moments. When tantrums seem to be characterized by uncontrollable emotions, it's because one of the distress systems (related to rage, fear, and/or separation) has likely been triggered.” She explains that the lower areas of their little brains, where these reactions reside, are fully developed from birth, whereas the higher brain — the part where rational thinking and problem-solving is located — is not.

And even the best parents can sometimes lose their cool when dealing with these lower-brain moments.

Jeanette Sawyer Cohen is a child psychologist and mom and says, “When parenting stress is high, it can feel nearly impossible to keep your cool in the heat of the moment. We are all humans with a built-in stress response system that triggers fight-or-flight reactions in response to potential threats."

So basically as your child opposes you, your fight or flight reactions might kick in and cause you to lose it, “leaving no room for the more thoughtful, organized, reflective part of our brain to help us solve the problem at hand,” according to Cohen. Thank goodness, we are all normal!

The key is to learn how to respond rather than react or reach for that bottle of chardonnay before 4 p.m.

Cohen offers these tips:

Notice the stress before it hits
Practice noticing your stress before it reaches "code red." What does stress feel like in your body? How does it show up in your behavior? With practice, you can catch your stress as it moves from the green range into yellow. You can practice this with other feelings and sensations too, like hunger. Learn to listen to your own body's communications. When your feeling is moving into yellow, it's time to stop and ask yourself what you need to move back toward green.

Breathe it out
Breathing is the most effective way back to move from an angry, panicky fight-or-flight state back into your thinking brains where you can successfully solve problems. Once your body feels those slow, deep breaths, it essentially says, "Oh that must have been a false alarm. Since this isn't a real life-or-death emergency I will stop sending that cascade of stress hormones." Your breathing actually signals your brain to help your physiology calm down! The calmer your body feels, the easier it is to think straight and accurately asses and respond to the situation at hand.

Know the triggers
Understanding and anticipating your child's behavior can go a long way for your own stress management. Practice your detective skills to solve problems before they start. What are the triggers for your child’s tantrums? Is he tired, hungry or overwhelmed by sensory input? Are there sticking points in your routine where conflict is most likely to occur (transitions, for example)? Is your child feeling rushed or responding to your own stress level? Which of the triggers you identify are preventable, at least some of the time? Remember, predictable routines and warnings before transitions go a long way! Let your child know what to expect. Structure and predictability help us all feel safe and secure.

Practice self-care without feeling selfish
Self-care for parents isn't always as easy as going to the gym, nail salon, golf course or meditation class. Because you may have to first negotiate with your partner to get out of the house alone, and you may also have to deal with your own guilt at the idea of "putting yourself first." But self-care for parents is not a luxury, and it's not selfish. It is a necessity and it helps you be a better parent. When beginning to prioritize self-care, it's ok to start small. Practice being fully present during your morning shower instead of reviewing your mental to-do list. Let your husband help you with part of the daily routine even if he doesn't do it exactly the way you would. Practice self-advocating by directly communicating your wants and needs.

Hershberg suggested trying the following:

Skip the rational explanation.
Too often, when toddlers and preschoolers are on the verge of tantrums, we intervene with logic, with rational explanations or arguments intended to decrease frustration. And yet in doing so – with the best of intentions – we make things worse. Our little one’s initial frustration becomes compounded because she feels neither heard nor understood. Instead, label and reflect your toddler's emotions — even if they don't get what they want, they will feel heard and understood.

Use "strategic attention" to combat tantrums.
Ignoring behavior (like tantrums) that you want to discourage can be as effective as paying attention to behavior you want to encourage. If we follow the principle of strategic attention, we don’t want to use our phones when our toddlers and preschoolers are engaged in desirable behaviors. But when they begin to engage in undesirable behaviors, like the beginning of a tantrum? Phone time! Because the opposite of attending to a behavior is ignoring it, and sometimes if you ignore the behaviors that signal an oncoming tantrum (feet stomping, grunting), your toddler will get the message and cease and desist.

Think of these tough parenting times as an ultimate teacher. If we can master these moments and not get bothered by those screams and demands, think of how many more things in life can roll off us. The good news is that we have plenty of time to practice too until we’re ready to hand off those car keys.

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