A Kid Asks For Coal And More Hilarious Things Kids Say To Santa

ACROSS AMERICA ? Some stories about the hilarious things kids say to Santa are timeless and handed down Christmas after Christmas until they become fixed in family lore and tradition.

There?s that 3-year-old girl who only wanted a tuna fish sandwich. Or the kid who asked for Parmesan cheese and another who wanted an escalator. Some other kid wanted a skunk, but only if didn?t stink.

And a 3-year-old who didn?t ask Santa for anything, but proudly announced: ?I pooped in the potty.? Another said, ?Don?t tell my mom I just pooped. And a Santa said, ?This year, I?ve had 3 kids say they want better bladder control.?

No one can control what comes out of kids? mouths when they?re perched on the big guy?s lap. These moments of innocent, youthful honesty are among the gems in an archived AskReddit thread seeking comments from mall Santas about their funniest conversation with kids. Another AskReddit thread asking mall Santas to share weird requests yielded some goodies, too.

?You can?t ask for a time machine,? a mall Santa overheard a mother saying to her son. ?They are just too big for the elves to build.?

Someone else also tried to prepare Santa proxies for unusual requests.

?All the Santas will be surprised this year as my 3-year-old Santa asks for skeleton guts for Christmas,? the person said on Reddit. ?She found an anatomy figurine at Barnes & Noble and has wanted ?skeleton guts? ever since.?

Kid Wants Coal ? Really

One kid asked for coal.

?Like, I didn?t know where to get some,? the now grownup said on Reddit. ?We had a gas fireplace. I wanted it in order to make a face on a snowman.?

Another kid, who was 2 or 3, asked for pork chops.

?After that, pork chops were Christmas dinner every single year without fail.?

This one falls into the ?careful what you wish for? category:

?My kid asked Santa for Thor's hammer. Christmas morning, he opens up Thor's hammer. So happy. First thing he did was chuck it across the living room and into the kitchen. Dishes smash, glass all over the floor.?

This was followed by ?pure Christmas devastation? when the hammer didn?t come back to him.

This Is What Santa Wondered About?

This one is a puzzler, too. A mall Santa on Reddit recalled the kid who asked for ?a bushel of dead squirrels.?

?He was probably 6 years old,? the Santa said. ?Don?t even know how he knew the word bushel.?

That?s what Santa wondered about?

This had to have left Santa scratching his fake beard. A kid?s request was to wear his skin for Christmas. It came out badly.

?For some reason, I wanted to BE Santa; I thought it was cool how he went around the world delivering presents, breaking in homes, eating free food, etc., and I was still young so I guess I meant to ask for his costume or something,? the person wrote in the thread. ?Whether he found that as funny as I do now, we?ll never know.?

Santa?s top elf had several head-scratchers, too.

?One of the craziest was a kid wanting a very specific vacuum. ? And a brother and sister who wanted closet organizers,? the elf said. ?They were about 6 and 7, and one of the parents explained they loved the remodeling shows.?

The elf added: ?We would also keep a list of ones we thought would be the Future Farmers of America.?

Another person?s request as a 4- or 5-year-old kid ended up in the local newspaper.

?For some reason, I was dissatisfied with the brand of laundry detergent my parents used,? the person said. ?So, when I went to sit on Santa's lap, I asked for better laundry detergent for my parents. As a bonus, there happened to be a newspaper photographer there, and I ended up with my picture in the local paper, asking for laundry detergent for Christmas.?

This kid was just done with the whole thing.

?The last time I talked to a mall Santa, I was probably 7 or 8,? the person said. ?I went up to him, he asked me what I wanted, I said, ?I want to go home. I hate shopping.? He asked me what I wanted again, and I said, ?I?ve got toys already.??

Lipstick At The Dairy Queen

The threads reveal a critical skill for proxy Santas ? listening closely to suss out what kids really mean. Kids don?t always know what they don?t know.

?One time I asked to go to Dairy Queen to put red lipstick on my mom,? someone said. ?Why? Because apparently I used to think Dairy Queen was a place women went to get their makeup done.?

Another kid asked his church Santa to bring him Alaska for Christmas.

?When I asked what he meant,? the Santa said, ?he told me that he wanted to be king of Alaska.?

Another kid wanted to be president of Antarctica. At around age 3, the same kid asked Santa to switch his newborn sister for a girl the same age so they could play together.

Lots of kids gave voice to their growing skepticism that Santa isn?t real.

A former elf who had to wear a ?terrifying costume? recalled the ?most interesting ?you aren?t real? [experience] was the girl who looked in my mouth to try and see the face of the person inside.?

?I opened my mouth to try and mimic the mask and she cracked up ? and told her brother it was real,? the elf recalled. ?Which was just cute.?

Another kid who believes asked ?for his parents to stop pretending to be me,? a mall Santa recalled.

Why Aren?t You Delivering Toys?

Santas walk a fine line between indulging kids? fantasies and keeping the season manageable for their parents.

?I asked Santa for a puppy one year, and he told me no, because last time, a puppy fell out of his sleigh,? someone recalled.

A Santa for his town?s tree lighting was asked by a kid ?to make all of his stuffed animals come alive.?

?Totally didn?t see that coming,? the Santa said. ?I said he would have to make sure that was okay with his parents because having a lot of animals would be a lot of responsibility, and if he got the go-ahead, to let me know.?

A woman whose parents played Santa and Mrs. Claus for decades recalled a kid who wanted to know what the heck Santa was doing in a mall when he had toys to deliver. She was visiting them on Christmas Eve, and saw some of what her parents experience.

?After my dad explained that the reindeer needed a break, the boy said it made sense, but since Santa was here, he might as well get his toys early. He asked for his trucks, guitar, sand castle toys and reluctantly for his sister's doll house. His older sister, who was about 8, came over to pull him away and tell him to stop bothering Santa and Mrs. Claus.

?This is when the boy notices my mother and, astounded, asks why Mrs. Claus is traveling with Santa on Christmas Eve. ?To keep me on schedule? was all my dad said. Then both the kids looked at me silent,? the woman recalled. ?My mother, who had been silent up til now, replies, ?the overgrown elf.? The whole place cracked up laughing,? the woman recalled. ?The kids were confused, and their parents were nearly in tears.?

• Read More Letters To Santa From Kids You May Know

Another Mrs. Claus recalled being peppered with questions by curious youngsters:

?Does Santa snore as bad as Daddy??

?Worse,? she answered. ?It sounds like ?KKKKKKCH-Hoooohohoho.??

?Do you deliver presents for Hanukkah??

?I kind of admired that kid logic,? Mrs. Claus observed, but said she answered, ?No, family took over that holiday to give Santa a break.?

Her favorite question, ?because it was so weird but touching,? was this:

?When you and Santa got married, did Rudolph bring the ring up on his nose??

Mrs. Claus lost her composure and ?bust out laughing,? but eventually said yes.

In ?Kids? Funny Letters to Santa? on YouTube, ?Jersey Joe? has collected a few beauties, too, including this one:

?Can I have a 3D printer for Christmas?? one letter from a kid named Nicky began. ?I want to make a new car for mommy. She backed into a gas pump at Chevron and it went boom! That was a lot of fire!?

Santa Makes The Naughty List

And then there?s Jeremy, who got into a serious dust up with Santa after receiving only one of the things on his list. Jeremy?s opening salvo, shared on TikTok, wasn?t grammatically perfect, but he got his point across.

?Dear Santa, I am writing this the day after xmas and I am very sad I only received one of the two presents I asked for. Sense you ate my cookies, I will asoom that my missing gift was a miss take. Im will give you one week to fix this.?

?Dear Jeremy, I am sorry you are disappointed with your presents. You asked for two very expensive presents and Santa can only do so much,? Santa responded. ?You need to learn to be grateful for what you have and not be upset about what you don?t. If you continue to complain, I will have no choice but to add you to the naughty list next year. Santa.?

Jeremy doubled down.

?Dear Fatty,? the kid responded. ?Your threats don?t scare me. I played your game and you did not deliver. This is not okay. I will give you one week and then you will pay. Jeremy,? the child wrote, adding, ?PS I don?t know why you [say] that it is expensive when you have elf slaves to make things for you. I think you are very naughty for having slaves.?

That?s enough, Santa said in so many words.

?Dear Jeremy. You are being a very bad little boy, Because you cannot be happy with what you have. I have talked to your parents and told them to take away your Wii U,? Santa explained. ?Now you have nothing. Once you learn to be grateful, perhaps you can have it back. I am disappointed in you, Jeremy. You will need to be extra good this year if you want to make it back in the nice list.?

But did Jeremy back down? No.

?Deer Santa. I do not like that stunt that you pulled with my parents. You are on my naughty list now. Be afraid, you look slow and easy to kill. Enjoy your cookies next year because they will be poison. I hope you die. Jeremy.?

Jeremy seems destined to do ? things. Perhaps not great things, but things.