What Is A Lawnmower Parent — And Are You One?

Just when I finally figured out what a helicopter parent is (read: those overprotective caregivers who swoop in every time their child has a problem), there’s a new term to describe that parent on the playground who you secretly hate: the "lawnmower parent." Lawnmower parents are guilty of mowing down any and all challenges, conflicts or struggles their children might experience.

These parents might, for example, reschedule their child’s exam or even send a note to their child’s teacher asking them to blow on their kid’s lunch if too hot. True story!

The term was recently coined after an anonymous educator wrote an essay on Weareteachers.com about a dad who showed up at school with an expensive water bottle after getting many texts from his child. Clearly, the water fountains and regular cups of water at school didn’t cut it for his teenager.

The educator writes, "I took a deep breath through my nose. 'Oh, I have one of those (teenagers) — I love mine, too,' I said. But I’m pretty sure my eyes were saying, 'WHAT ON THIS ACTUAL EARTH.'"

This story was shared over 12,000 times with many other similar parenting stories posted by supporters.

And who am I kidding? I've probably been guilty of being both a helicopter parent and a lawnmower parent, even though my child is only 3 years old. I want my kid to live his best life, so, um, yes I might have tried to get others to blow on my kid’s sweet potato fries when I wasn't there. But I need to stop this behavior immediately if I ever want him to move out of the house and cook his own meals one day.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Elizabeth Cohen says, “I have the experience of seeing adults who have had lawnmower parents and now have difficulty handling basic life struggles. For example, they have anxiety and can’t communicate well with their bosses or friends. They also have such high expectations of people in their life, expecting everyone to be like their overly-involved parents. When parents sweep in to avoid conflict, then we lose an incredibly important skill of handling frustration and disappointment and moving through an experience with another person. In relationships, it’s not about the ruptures we have, but the repair where the real work lands."

She’s right: Letting our kids experience conflict and challenges helps them grow and is just what they need. Sure, they might be distraught in the moment and give us hell for a few hours, but in the end they will be better people. When I look back on it, I have also been on the other side of the lawn. My mother used to write my elementary school papers because I was “too tired.” This scheme worked great until I got called into the principal's office after I handed in an essay titled, “Existentialism Revealed" in the fourth grade. Oops.

While most lawnmower parents emerge during their children's teenage years, many toddler parents are slowly developing their yards as we speak — myself included. The other morning, my kid was trying to be friendly to another toddler who was sitting on a big dinosaur structure in his school’s yard. My boy asked him if he could climb up next to him. The toddler yelled, "No, go away!" Next thing I knew, I was having flashbacks to my elementary-school classmate Irene pulling me with my hair into the toilet. I suddenly found myself in protection mode and snapped back at the unfriendly toddler, saying, “Be nice and play with my kid!” That was probably the wrong response.

Of course, this is not about me, and I’m am not reliving my childhood through my toddler. That would be silly! (Laughs nervously...)

But Cohen says this reaction is not out of the ordinary. "You see this on the playground all the time," she says. "Two kids want to play with the same toy and a parent brings two toys with them so they won’t argue over one, avoiding conflict or frustration. By doing that they miss out on teaching their kids how to communicate, problem and solve and tolerate frustration."

If you find yourself in lawnmower parent mode, Cohen suggests you first take a breath and then ask yourself these questions:

• Is this really necessary? Will my child live if I allow them to have this experience?
• What can my child learn if I allow him or her to have the frustration? What is the life lesson here?
• Do I want to be doing this when my child is in college? This behavior doesn’t end when your child gets older. Feeling the need to sweep in and get rid of your kid's pain to show love doesn't automatically go away over time. Work on changing this behavior now before it's too late.

Learning how to tolerate the discomfort of your kid being uncomfortable isn't easy, but it might be necessary if you want to raise an emotionally healthy child — or a kid who wants to move out of your house and do his own laundry when he is 18. Keep those extra toys at home and allow your child to figure out how to handle those kids on dinosaurs. They just might surprise you.

Photo credit: Kathleen Culliton/Patch