Santa's Top Ten Wish List...And A Visit To Christmas Past

So I totally can’t believe how impressed I am with myself! And self-praise by me probably won’t even phase Dental Assistant Extraordinaire Dani or Singing Dental Assistant Kolleen one iota; they’ve both heard it way too many times before.

And sometimes I’m out of synch with my column deadline and big holidays but this time “Santa’s Top Ten…” is right on schedule and I’m still flexible and focused enough to pat myself on the back for hour on end.

It could have been so different this time and actually, that means it could have been business as usual. This week I was suddenly stricken down by the Jury Duty Blues.

Six months ago, I got that summons I couldn’t throw away and is there any way I can apply for seven or eight degrees of separation from lawyers?

These days, there’s no jury way out and the last time I was quizzed by a judge I thought I was the one who was gonna wind up in front of a criminal grand jury.

“Mr. Von Bulow, is there any good reason why you cannot begin fulfilling your civic obligation today?”

“Your Honor, 30 days of criminal grand jury duty will present a hardship for me, my patients, my employees, my insurance agents, my credit card companies and all of the 7-Elevens I’m gonna have to stick-up after closing down my power tools for one month.”

“Mr. Von Bulow, do you take vacations? If yes, do 6-months give you enough time to plan ahead?”

“Your Honor, I’m not a lawyer; I’m just a Molar Jockey. I only get a week, not a month.”

“Mr. Von Bulow, please get comfortable. You’re going to be here a looong time (after about 4-hours, I was allowed to sprint out of the courtroom.”)

So here’s the thing, I just sweated this jury duty stuff out again and making solo health practitioners do an undetermined stint of Criminal Grand Jury duty makes about as much sense as Sarah Palin teaching geography or organic chemistry…or even Eskimo as a second language.

And I don’t believe in capital punishment…unless I’m on a jury. And then it’s, “You got caught; nice to see ya, hate to be ya.”

Bet Santa’s never done jury duty and that’s why I’m saluting him with my Santa’s Top Ten Wish List, slightly adapted from 2005. Here’s the Top Ten:

10. Quiet dental drills

9. Dental materials taste just like Tiramisu, Lasagna Bolognese…or Double-Doubles (animal style.)

8. Research shows eating Tiramisu, Lasagna Bolognese, or Double-Doubles (animal style) at least once a day adds at least 8-years of life.

7. Dental insurance programs are notified 2015, not 1971, is just around the corner…and annual maximum benefits finally increase.

6. Sarah Palin mud wrestles Al Sharpton. The winner gets to live like royalty, on a beautiful tropical island…never to be seen again. The loser becomes Coach Lane Kiffin’s personal assistant…in North Korea.

5. The project on Rosemead and Las Tunas is finally completed (A) before the Clippers totally dominate the Lakers. (B) Before the lowly football bruins take three straight from the Noble Trojans. (C) Before an African-American President is re-elected or (C) none of the above.

4. Random acts of violence are replaced with random acts of kindness. Domestic violence means never using the word “family” again.

3. The children who’re looking up to Santa this year get to stay children for at least another year.

2. The USC Trojans dominate the Cornhuskers in the Holiday Bowl! (C’mon Santa; that’s not asking for too much, is it?)

1. Everyone within six degrees of separation and beyond has a great Holiday, feels like a kid again, and successfully looks and listens for health, prosperity, and happiness in 2015.

Happy Holidays!

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