What To Do When Your Teenager Lies to You

Let’s be honest: Teens lie.

High school students commonly lie about who they’re hanging out with, what they were doing, how they feel, whether or not they have a love interest, studying for tests, finishing homework, things their friends do, how they spend their allowance, whether or not they’ve tried illegal substances, whether they’ve ever been in a car driven by a friend who’d been drinking…. you get the idea. If it happens in their life, there’s a chance they might lie to you about it. In fact, research shows roughly 96% of teens lie to their parents at least once in any given year. Unless you’re in that fortunate 4%, read on.

Why Do Teens Lie?

The first step in working through your teen's lying phase - if it's happening - is to understand why they lie.

Here are the top reasons adolescents lie to their parents:

1. To Avoid Getting in Trouble. Just like when they were toddlers or preschoolers, teens may lie simply to avoid the consequences of breaking rules.
2. To Avoid Embarrassment. Teens may make up stories when they’ve done something they think makes them look foolish, uncool, or dumb.
3. To Protect Friends. If a friend is in serious trouble with their parents, the school, or authorities, teenagers may come to their defense with alibis, stories, versions of what happened, or outright denials to help their friend get out of a jam.
4. To Cover Up Emotions. A teen may not be totally forthcoming about how they feel. They may be uncomfortable with their emotions, embarrassed by them, or afraid feeling a certain way may make them look immature or uncool.
5. To Make Themselves Look Better. Teenagers may embellish or exaggerate things they’ve done or things they’re capable of doing to gain social capital.
6. To Establish Autonomy. There are times teens may lie for no good reason other than to keep part of their lives to themselves, unencumbered and uninfluenced by the input of parents or teachers.

Now that we've discussed why teens lie, here are six steps to help parents work through their teen's lying phase.

Stay Calm.

First, you need to approach the situation calmly, and in a reasonable tone of voice. Creating a highly-charged emotional atmosphere is likely to backfire. Don’t raise your voice or lecture angrily. Your teen will want to retreat and do anything they can to end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Keep Perspective.

Whatever you do, don’t take it personally. When your teen lies, it’s not an attack on you. Keep this in mind. Lying is, in most cases, more about your adolescent than it is about you.

Re-emphasize the Importance of Honesty.

You might have given the honesty speech many times when your teen was a toddler, but this time the conversation is different. Take the time to emphasize that lying hurts other people, feels like betrayal, leads to distrust, and increases consequences.

Model Honesty.

Your teenager sees and hears way more than you think they do. If they hear you telling white lies all the time, then that increases the chances they’ll tell them, too. So the next time you’re on the phone, about to exaggerate the truth to get something you want (or get out of something you don’t want) while your adolescent is right there, listening, do the right thing and be honest. Your teen will take notice.

Understand It’s a Process.

If your teen has gotten into the habit of lying, it may take some time to get them back on track. Be patient, loving, and calm. At the same time, establish reasonable outcomes for lying, proportional to the lies. These can include taking away screen time, moving up curfew, or restricting the use of your car. Whatever you do, allow your teen time to adjust.

Don't Try to Trap Them.

Last, but certainly not least, don't deliberately try to trap your teen in a lie. This is perhaps the most important step of all: Do not try to set up a situation where you can "catch" your teen lying. You’re not law enforcement. You’re a parent. Sure, you’re the enforcer of your family rules, but catching someone in a lie inherently involves some level of dishonesty on the part of the person doing the catching. You have to feign ignorance, elicit a false answer from your teen, then admit you knew the truth all along.

That’s dishonest, no matter your intentions. And since dishonesty is exactly what you’re trying to prevent, engaging in dishonest behavior to discourage dishonest behavior is – pulling no punches – hypocritical. Teens can smell hypocrisy a mile away. And if they figure out that they’re the target of an elaborate sting operation on your part, the likelihood of them wanting to be honest in the future will dwindle close to zero.

When Lying is Serious

There are times when teen lying is not harmless at all. If a teen is lying to cover up behavior that’s dangerous or illegal, it’s time to take it seriously. Lying to cover up drinking, using drugs, or partaking in other forms of risky activity may be an indicator of an underlying problem. If you think your teen is lying for those reasons—or if your teen repeatedly makes up untruths or wildly embellishes facts with no apparent guilt, remorse, or indication they know it’s wrong—then it’s time to consider enlisting professional help in the form of therapy or a fully licensed and accredited adolescent mental health treatment center.

About Evolve Treatment Centers:

Evolve Treatment Centers, accredited by CARF and The Joint Commission, offers the highest caliber of evidence-based treatment for teens, 12 to 17 years old, who struggle with mental health, substance abuse, and/or behavioral issues. Evolve offers teens and their families a full continuum of care, including Intensive Outpatient (IOP), Partial Hospitalization (PHP), and Residential Treatment Centers (RTC). With more than a dozen facilities throughout Southern California and the Bay Area - including in Danville, San Jose, and Gilroy - Evolve is the leading provider of adolescent mental health treatment in California.

To receive a free clinical assessment for your teen, contact Evolve at (877) 455-7009. To learn more about Evolve’s programs, visit http://www.evolvetreatment.com.