Karamo Brown: Spreading Holiday Cheer & Letting Go Of Fear

LOS ANGELES, CA — You know Karamo Brown from "Queer Eye" and his podcast KARAMO — but Brown is now giving back and reaching out this holiday season with help from Zelle to spread some cheer in a contest that gifted three people $25K each.

One of the recipients is a single, gay man in Los Angeles who is beginning his journey to foster and adopt his first child.

In an exclusive interview with Patch, Brown shared some of the best ways to help spread holiday cheer and keep supporting each other — from a distance — during these unprecedented times.

"If they have the capacity within themselves to reach out to someone else I think this is the moment that you need to do it," Brown told Patch. "The thing is we’re all experiencing this pandemic, the financial loss. We’re all experiencing so many things together but I think sometimes just that human connection is what can really allow us to feel as if we can get through."

And we can handle it—just like we've done in the past, he said.

"Something I try to remind people is if think back in your life, you’ve been through so many challenges and you’ve made it through every single one of them," Brown said. "That’s why you’re here today. So you have a track record of making it through 100% of the challenges in your life. Use that as motivation to get through the next 100 that you have coming up."

Right now, many people are dealing with grief amid the pandemic and a tumultuous year. Traditions might not look the same this year, and in general, there's been a big change in our society.

“That shift - that’s grief," Brown said. "That’s what people are experiencing. When you experience loss of any kind, whether it’s the physical loss of someone dying or the loss of financial security, the loss of the year you thought you were supposed to have, the loss of traditions like Christmas or Thanksgiving or any of these things, you’re experiencing grief."

Unfortunately, things might not be "normal," but that is OK.

"And when you’re dealing with grief you have to remember that the first thing is that you can’t go back," he said. "That’s the unfortunate part. What you have to do is embrace what is and learn how to see the positive in what you have now. What are some things that are positive that you can get out of this? How are you connecting with people you might have never connected with before? How can you show up in a way that you’ve never shown up before, for yourself and for others?
This is a moment for reflection and reinvention in a way of like, you know what, this is no longer the same. And it never will be the same. Even when we do get back to a world where there’s not a pandemic, the person you are has changed and shifted because of this pandemic. And you might not see those effects now, you might see them later, but you have shifted so it’s about changing your mentality to understand that this change is OK. It’s OK to adapt. It’s OK to change and grow into a new traditions or new areas. That’s the beauty of grief and loss."

Giving back and showing gratitude is one way to push forward, especially for people dealing with loss.

"When you’re dealing with the loss of a family member, no matter what time of the year it is, it’s always going to be something that’s hard because you of course have the physical response that they’re not there but you also have the emotional response that everything that person gave to you emotionally," Brown said. "I always tell people to be patient with themselves. Grieve at the pace you want to grieve."

Giving people space to feel sad, and really experience what they're going through, can be powerful.

"I try to help people to understand in different ways that even when you lose someone who’s still alive, like a breakup, you know people like to rush people’s grief," Brown said. "I can’t stand when I hear friends who are like someone just broke up and they’re like ‘Oh my gosh you broke up six months ago get over it.’ It bothers me because you’re not giving people the opportunity to heal at their own pace. So I think the first thing you have to do is give yourself permission to heal at your own pace. If you lost someone physically and you’re still feeling sad about it that’s OK. Heal at your own pace, but secondly, be able to talk about it with people you trust so that you can get that support that you need."

Brown recommends creating new memories around a person you’ve lost.

“I have a friend of mine who unfortunately lost their grandmother to COVID right before Christmas, and they were really close so she’s been going through it," Brown said. "And so what I suggested was how are new ways you can honor your grandmother now? So their Christmas tree this year was an ode to their grandma. They made all ornaments with things that were hers, photos of her, things of that nature. And it’s a beautiful reminder that though they’re not physically here, the memories and the things that they gave us can still be here. She’s now trying to do some of the stuff that her grandmother did and honor her grandmother’s life."

One way his friend is honoring her grandmother's memory is by knitting.

"It’s funny because our generation, we would never think of knitting, really," Brown said. "And so, the fact that she’s now picking that up is an honor and connection to her grandmother who’s passed. So I think that as you’re grieving, as you’re talking to someone about what you’re feeling, figure out new ways that you can honor them during the holidays and so they’re always there emotionally."

Boundaries can also go a long way as we experience an unusual time, Brown said.

“People think that loneliness means that you’re alone and there’s a lot of people who are in a big house and still feel alone with a bunch of roommates," Brown said. "I know that’s what I felt like my junior year of college. I had all these roommates in my dorm and I still felt like no one could understand. There was no one I could really talk to and express to. And I want people to understand that that feeling is a natural feeling. We’ve all felt it. Sometimes you don’t feel connected. But the normal reason why you can’t feel connected is sometimes because there’s emotional or mental things that you’re going through and I’ll always want to recommend to people to try and journal. Whether it’s on your phone, in your notes. When you feel isolated, when you feel alone, write down what’s going on around you because then you start to get to the core of what’s stopping you from feeling connected to others. What’s stopping you from feeling as if you can reach out?"

By creating some boundaries and setting aside some time to consider them, people can see some changes, he said.

“Boundaries are so important,” Brown said. "I tell people all the time. Think about boundaries like driving through the world. If someone is driving through your world and they don’t have stop signs, if they don’t have signals to tell them when to go, pause, whatever, they would wreck the streets of your life. So it’s the same thing. Create those boundaries for them so they know when to stop, when to yield. When they know when to turn left and right. It’s so important because otherwise you’re going to have somebody driving through your life recklessly and the only person who is going to be effected is you because you didn’t set the boundaries."

"So feel confident in setting those boundaries," Brown said. "Feel important. And if you don’t know how, the best way to set the boundaries is to write down the things that you want first, find a support buddy that you have, that can be there with you. Because some people don’t like confrontation. Some people are scared that they’re going to seem like they’re causing issues, or they’re afraid, they’re a people pleaser they’re going to be a pushover."

A support buddy can help you articulate what you want and what you need, he said. Write down what those boundaries are and keep respecting them.

“That person can also be an accountability buddy," Brown said. "So that way if you see the person stepping out of the boundary that you set. They can be there to support you and stepping up sand saying ‘Hey, this is a boundary. You did this. This is the consequence of that.’”

Aside from boundaries, one thing we can all do is check on our families and friends—even our strong friends, he said.

“I think what it is that sometimes we forget to check on our strong friends," Brown said. "We forget to check on those people who we think have it all together. Kevin is a prime example of that. This is a single, gay man who is working his butt off to try and foster and adopt children, which is such a beautiful thing. And when you see somebody like that you would just assume everything is fine. ‘They have their life together. They’re so strong. They’re so great.' And what you realize is that he was drowning."

Kevin Gerdes, a Los Angeles real estate agent, received $25K from Brown's partnership with Zelle to help spread some holiday cheer and help people out.

"He needed support, financial support," Brown said. "He just needed someone to acknowledge him and I think that he’s a great reminder that sending cheer to other people, which is what this whole Zelle thing is about, is about checking in on those who you sometimes forget. Because we all know the squeaky wheel can be the loudest, but sometimes the quiet wheel needs a little air, too."

Don’t forget to check in on the people who are strong or seem like have it together, Brown said.

“Send them cheer, show them love," he said. "Kevin’s story resonated with me for that reason. How are you a single gay man trying to help other people during a pandemic? You’ve got to have financial issues, you’ve got to have those things. But he was afraid to ask for help and then he received it through the Send Cheer Contest.”

We all need help, he said. It’s just getting past the fear and shame of asking for it.

“The ability to ask for help, it’s something that we were all born with, but somewhere along our lives people have made us feel ashamed for needing help,” Brown said.

“To be very honest with you, it starts with school," Brown said. "It’s a big problem if you’re not the kid who knows the answer and you raise your hand, people laugh at you. So you then start to get trained in the sense that ‘I can’t. I have to always pretend like I know what’s going on. And it’s the greatest disaster of human beings is to pretending like we know what to do on this spinning rock at all times. It’s like the greatest disaster."

Start by considering those messages and asking where they come from, Brown said.

“Sit down and start thinking: Who made you feel bad for asking for help? And why did they try to do that? Because normally its their own trauma," he said. "Then you have to start practicing every single day. Self-esteem, the ability to ask for help. These are things that you have to practice. You have to sit down and say to yourself, ‘OK, today I’m going to ask one person for help.’ Whether it’s big or small. And then you have to realize, that no matter what their answer is, or their response is, whether it’s positive or negative, that has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with their own trauma and their own experience around asking for help."

You can't give up, he added.

"So if someone made them feel shame around asking for help they’re just going to pass that behavior on," Brown said. "So that has nothing to do with you. And remember that somebody is out there who wants to help you. So try one person today, if it doesn’t work try a different person tomorrow. And just continue to ask for help and understand you are not a burden. There is nothing wrong with you. You have done nothing bad. You are not a failure. You are just someone who is living on this world who needs a little help and that’s OK."

You can ask for help and you can give back, he said.

"My partnership with Zelle meant the world to me during this pandemic especially, to really show the world that something that we all do anyway, of giving a little support, the fact that a big company like Zelle would support me in giving money was really special," Brown said.

Gerdes was ecstatic to win the contest and has faced challenges throughout 2020 while beginning the process of fostering.

It started with a horoscope a few days ago, he said.

“Every year I read my next year’s horoscope,” Gerdes told Patch.

He read his monthly horoscope late one night and was stunned.

“And I’m not big into this," Gerdes said. "I was just in bed, bored. It literally said, you are going to come into a big chunk of money and it might be a gift or a prize or something like that. And I was like, what the hell?”

Gerdes shared his story about how in early 2020, things changed for him.

“Something hit me," Gerdes said. "I was looking through a dating app and I was looking at guys and just swiping. And I was like, why am I doing this? I don’t understand why I’m doing this. The next thought that went through my mind was ‘Because I want to have a family.’"

Then he asked himself: But why do you have to find someone to have a family?

“The next thing that came up was this thought of a friend of mine from years ago," Gerdes said. "She’s in her mid-40s and she adopted a child on her own and at the time, a couple years ago, I remember feeling like, not that that’s weird, but I just didn’t get it. And, now, for some reason, earlier 2020, it hit me. And I just said, ‘Oh, I get it. You know when you know. You’re just ready when you’re ready.’”

He asked his mother in Maryland what she thought about him becoming a dad.

“She said, ‘I do think you’d be a good dad. If you love your kids the way you love that damn dog of yours, you’d be a great dad.’”

On the plane back from the trip, he started researching private adoption.

“I thought that was the route I wanted to go,” he said.

Gerdes connected with one agency, and by the second call, was told how much the process would cost. It can be around $50,000 to $70,000, he said.

“It was a Zoom call, and it was video," Gerdes said. "And I felt like the guy was reading a script and it was the biggest turn off ever. And I finished that meeting. I opened up Google and I typed in foster agencies Los Angeles. And people had suggested I go the foster route, and I had said ‘no. you hear a lot of negative things about fostering."

He found Aviva Family Children and Services in Hollywood.

"So I talked to this woman for about 45 minutes and she’s like the sweetest, nicest woman ever," Gerdes said. "And she’s just talking to me about how when things fall in line how they’re meant to be and how everything just works the way it’s supposed to work, sort of like a spiritual aspect or vibe to her. So, we’re finishing up our phone call and she schedules a meeting with me to come the next week."

"I said, 'Oh by the way, what’s your name? I never got your name.' And she said ‘Oh it’s Magali,'" Gerdes said.

He asked her to spell it for him over the phone.

“And my jaw dropped," Gerdes said. "I said are you serious? And I said, ‘That’s my mom’s name.” She was like ‘Oh my gosh!’ It was the best affirmation that this is the route you need to go."

"And then, it all unfolded," Gerdes said. "Then from there, she was at my house. I started documenting everything on YouTube."

"Because when I got interested in fostering, I just took to YouTube," he said. "I was like, I want to find other single men that are looking to foster. And, I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t even find single men who were looking to adopt. I did find some partnered men who were adopting or doing surrogacy but I wanted to hear about foster experiences. I couldn't find it."

So he started sharing his own experience and how he was learning about fostering.

“People started reaching out and saying like ‘I love that you’re doing this,'" Gerdes said. "A lot of people have negative views on fostering. A lot of people don’t even realize that you can foster newborns, then you can then adopt through the foster system. The costs that are not associated to it."

He did it so others might not feel alone, and so he could connect to people experiencing similar things.

“There were all these things that I wished I’d had, but I didn’t," Gerdes said. "Even today, people that I’ve met in the foster space, people who have fostered in the past and have now adopted their children, they’ve told me ‘I wish I had what you’re doing because it would have answered so many questions. And I don’t really focus as much on ‘Let me tell you about the foster care system, as I do ‘This is how I’m feeling today about setting up, baby-proofing my house.' It’s different things like that."

Then, things began to evolve.

"One day I was just chilling in my house and I see Karamo post a post, and I follow Karamo, obviously, but Instagram was just nudging me to get on it," he said.

He nominated himself minutes after Brown posted. Then Zelle reached out — and he couldn’t believe it.

“I was like, this isn’t real. This is fake. But then I was like, there’s no way Karamo would do a contest with a fake account.”

It turns out, Brown had selected Gerdes because of his story.

“Even other single gay men have sent me messages on Facebook or Instagram and they tell me ‘I love your story, I’ve been thinking about adopting and I just don’t know how to go about it," he said. "I don’t know anything about the foster care system.’ I told them exactly that in 60 seconds and then just posted it.”

Now, his experience is helping others.

"I cannot speak for people who are heterosexual," Gerdes said. "I can speak for the LGBTQ experience when it comes to being a parent, and it’s very multifaceted. You go through this period of years and years of 'I want to be a parent, but I don’t know how I’ll ever become one and if it’ll ever happen.' I think what happens a lot is those that do go down the path of parenting often, I think, I’ll speak for gay men, because I’m gay, and not even for all gay men—myself. We grow up hearing, thinking you’ll have your own biological little, mini-me beside you, and what you’ll look like as another being that made someone. And you have to start and break that down and think 'OK, that might not be the route I go.' And I could choose surrogacy, I could do that, but it’s even more expensive than fostering."

One common thing among many people interested in fostering or adopting, he said, is that people don't always share their experience.

“One thing I’ve learned is that people start going through adoption or fostering, or foster to adopt, they get real quiet," Gerdes said. "Because people are scared of everyone else’s opinions. Everyone has opinions on parenting in general, and especially about adopting. And I made a video, one of my first videos, was if you have nothing good to say about this I do not want to hear any of your input. I don’t care. Because it is a very vulnerable thing. But I think what I would say, that when it comes to people parenting, fostering is a viable option. I know people who have fostered eight, 12-day old children and then have adopted these children. You don’t have to have this picture-perfect all-American way of becoming a parent through surrogacy that is this perfect and magical thing."

Not every path to parenthood is the same, he added.

"Not everything is a fantasy like that," Gerdes said. "These kids in foster care, they’re not in foster care because they come from a happy situation. They’re in foster care because they were born and the hospital drug tested them, as all babies are, and there were drugs in their system. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t nurse those kids into being beautiful, beautiful people that move from that experience."

It's a choice, he said.

"It’s got to start with the parents first, not the biological parents, but those looking to become parents," Gerdes said. "You have to have a conversation with yourself, or your spouse if you’re in a relationship, or partner, whatever, and say ‘How do we want to go about this? Is having biological children the route we want to go down? Because I think a lot of people feel pressured, especially women, from what I hear feel a lot of pressure to have children. What if you don’t want to? What if adoption is what you want to do?"

Breaking down the stigma around fostering or growing a family is part of the reason he’s opening up so publicly about his journey, he said.

“I believe the more people that start talking about alternative parenting — if you want to use that term— just the more and more normal it will be," Gerdes said. "But because adoption just gets to be such a private thing, it’s fine, but the more we don’t talk about it the less kids get fostered and adopted.”

That's why it is so important to discuss it.

"It’s hard," Gerdes said. "It’s a vulnerable experience to go through because you know you could foster a child for a couple of weeks or couple of months and the city says they’re going back to their family. Imagine going to pick up a newborn baby, raising it for a couple of months, loving it, nurturing that baby, through touch, through feeding, the crying and everything that a baby needs—that nurturing aspect of parenting. And then the city saying ‘OK, well the family was granted custody again and you need to bring the child back in three days. It’s a heart-breaking experience, and I don’t know if it’s for everyone, but one thing I tell myself is that no amount of pain that I might experience will amount to the pain that these children experience."

He's willing to help.

"And I have what they don’t," Gerdes said. "I have 34 years of life, and I can balance out my emotions with my logic. They don’t know how to do that yet. They can’t understand why they’re going through the things they’re going through. So if I can take a child for four months, and know that it’s going to be devastating to give that child up, but know that during that first four months of their life they didn’t go an hour in a dirty diaper or 30 minutes crying because they’re hungry—and they got all that stuff from me—well then, I did something good for that child. I gave that child something they probably would not have gotten for four months."

The selfless care of others is part of his faith as a Christian, he said.

“Fostering I do think is something we are called to do," Gerdes said. "We just have to act from love and give as much love as possible. That’s the answer in all things—love.”

A lot of people don’t know the difference between fostering or adopting, he added.

“The only way people are going to find out is the more people talking about the process," he said. "It’s just that simple.”

“I would encourage people who are single and want to be parents to just look into it," Gerdes said. "And see if it’s something that you can do by yourself. If there’s pressure to wait 'til you’re married, wait 'til you have everything in line. There’s no right time to be a parent. I’m a real estate agent. You can get to a good time to buy your house, but just buy your house when you want to buy your house. There’s no perfect time to do this, you know? I think the same thing with parenting. If you’re single and this is on your heart it’s there for a reason.”

You can join the conversation on Gerdes' YouTube channel "Kevin Adopts" and learn even more from the community there. For Gerdes, the support, especially as a gay man, means a lot. It's a simple thing, but affirming LGBTQ for their choices and saying it can go a long way.

"It is scary sometimes to put these videos out because every time I put a video out I wonder is someone going to post something hateful, racist, homophobic or what not? But I power through that," Gerdes said. "And I never get that. I only get people saying the kindness, most sweetest things. When you grew up gay, you didn’t hear those things. All you heard was the self-hatred, from yourself sometimes, and from the outside world."

Messages of love can be life-affirming. They help others know they are not alone, and they are suported.

"So anytime you get an opportunity to affirm an LGBT person for doing something beautiful, take that opportunity," Gerdes said. "Because I don't know that people really understand how far that impacts someone’s heart."