'You Want $500 Fries With That?'

Faced with a crazy-deep budget hole, Capistrano Unified School District officials are exploring bizarre new fundraising schemes, including:

• Medical marijuana PTA bake sales

• Declaring the district to be an Indian tribe and opening a casino

• Robbing a local 7-Eleven but making it look like Saddleback Valley Unified pulled the heist.

Perhaps  the most promising approach was unveiled two weeks ago, when the (no joke) to comply with a public records request made by Patch. District officials said it would take 3,273 hours—at a cost of $82.22 per hour—to extract the computer data sought by Patch.

Other surcharges are in the pipeline. As part of a revised school lunch program, French fries will now cost $500 per fry to cover "potato extraction fees." Adding salt to the fries will run an additional $75, and using ketchup could require taking out a second mortgage.

Also, students who use school drinking fountains or restrooms will face a "dihydrogen oxide synthesis" tariff of $100 per sip or flush. "The precise blending of hydrogen and oxygen molecules, along with select , is a complex chemical process designed by the Creator Himself," a district official explained. (However, Groupon discounts are available for a limited time.)

In related news, hundreds of Capo Unified teachers have requested transfers to the district's $82-an-hour data-extraction department.