THERAPIST THURSDAY: Are You Too Hard on Yourself?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, chances are, you are too hard on yourself. Let’s first look at why we do this and then consider what we can do about it…

There is a variety of reasons a person may be too hard on themselves. If you were abused, neglected, or treated badly as a child, this can definitely lead to repeating the things that were said or done to you in your own head as an adult. In this case, the negative self talk is parroting the messages you received as a child. When kids are developing, they learn about who they are from their parents and primary caretakers. So, if they are treated poorly, they will come to believe this is due to them not having worth. When this child grows into an adult, these beliefs are very deep rooted, and they lead to lots of negative self talk about worth.

It isn’t necessary to have been abused as a child to be too hard on yourself, some people develop this trait as a result of having critical parents growing up. If whatever you did as a child was never quite good enough, if you were often put down or made to feel like you were not enough, you are likely to develop the habit of being too hard on yourself as an adult.

Some people are too hard on themselves, because they think they need to treat themselves this way in order to be motivated to do their best. For this person, giving yourself a break, patting yourself of the back for a job well done, or treating yourself like a friend feels wrong, like then you will become lazy or unmotivated or you won’t accomplish your goals. The problem with this is that criticism is not actually motivating. When we feel like we cannot measure up, when nothing is never good enough, it works against us ultimately. We are actually tearing ourselves down for the purpose of accomplishing more. If you stop and think about it, this does not make any sense as a motivational strategy. You are actually creating a deficit for yourself that you must overcome before you can achieve.

Anxiety is yet another reason for self-criticism. And self-criticism will increase anxiety also! If you find that you are worried a lot about what others think, say, or do, then it is likely that you blame yourself for these actions or thoughts of others. You probably tell yourself you were too much of something or not enough. You likely run through scenarios in your head over and over and pick yourself apart. It is likely that you over-analyze situations as a result of your anxiety and have an unrealistic view of how you behaved, what you said, or how you were perceived.

So, you’ve established that you definitely are too hard on yourself. You fit one (or multiple) of the scenarios above. And you’ve decided you want to change it. How can you begin to do this?

Changing these patterns is difficult. It takes a lot of consistent and daily work. This is because these negative thought patterns become very ingrained in who we are. They take a conscious and consistent effort to change. But it is possible. Here’s how to get started…

1. Notice your self-talk. This is what you say to yourself about yourself. Write it down as it happens when possible, or at the end of the day if it’s not possible to do it in the moment.

2. Ask yourself if you would talk to a friend this way. If not, change the thought to something you would say to a friend. Write down this new thought below the old one.

3. Every time you have self-talk, continue to notice and do numbers one and two above, even though you will find lots of the same kind of sentences. Writing them down and changing them each time is part of the change process.

4. When you notice that you are criticizing yourself for the self talk, STOP. Write down the criticism and do number 2 above for it. I can almost guarantee you will use this process to criticize yourself about your self-talk, this is normal at this point. But when you do it, try to notice it and change the criticism as well as the original thought. Write down something like, “it takes time to change and it is OK that I am still hard on myself, it will improve over time if I continue to notice and change each thought.

5. Realize that you can not control these thoughts. They are automatic. But you can control if you choose to accept them as truth or not. When you are doing the steps above, you are not simply accepting it as truth, and over time it will improve.

6. Be repetitious. Change occurs over time and through practicing something over and over again. Do not expect it to change just because you are now aware of it. Understand and expect that it will be a slow process that happens gradually. Be consistent and you will notice a difference.

7. Notice what your body tells you when you replace the thoughts. Does it make you feel tight? Does it make your stomach turn? Does it cause your heartrate to increase? When these things occur, it is because your body has come to believe the original criticism, and by replacing it you are challenging a “truth” your body has held on it. When you notice these body reactions, say aloud, “I notice my body tightening (or whatever response you are having) and that will change over time.”

I know the last step may seem a little weird. But our bodies react to things because of something called emotional memory, which occurs in the limbic system of our brain. It is not hocus pocus, it is actually a scientifically understood reaction from our brain down to our body. Noticing these reactions, acknowledging them, and understanding that it will take time for them to change is all part of giving yourself a break and learning to treat yourself how you would treat a friend.

Self criticism is a hard thing to change. It is something that becomes very deeply a part of how we live our lives. But we do not have to accept it! We can learn to change it in order to create a life that is more fulfilling and a self-concept that we can feel good about! If you feel you need professional help to create this change, do not be ashamed of that. We all deserve to feel happy and good about ourselves. Rather you are working on the change yourself or with a professional, go after happiness and fulfillment. You can do it!

Rochelle Whitson is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in Temecula, CA. She can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.