THERAPIST THURSDAY: Why are the Teen Years Sooooo Difficult?

… or questionable decisions from your teen. Why is this?

The teen years are full of many struggles. There are multiple issues that make this a challenging time in a person’s development. I find that understanding the “why” can help parents manage these years more effectively and possibly minimize the headache of it all to some degree.

The first thing I think that is important to understand is that there is a very important developmental stage children are in at this point in life. They are going through a process called differentiation. The objective of this stage of development is separation from their family of origin. Increasingly, they begin the process of identifying self by defining who they are amongst their peers, as opposed to the beginning of their life when who they were within their family of origin was their primary identity. This is a challenging process, as the insecurity teens feel during this time can create a harsh social structure.

When each person of this age group is struggling with the insecurity of who they are, there becomes a wide variety in how they will deal with these securities. Some develop a “get them before they get you” type of mentality. They behave in a mean way or put others down in order to cover their own insecurities. I’ve seen children do this for various reasons related to their own concerns that they may be teased due to some perceiving imperfection in themselves. None-the-less, an environment of bullying can be created.

This process of increased focus on peers creates other issues, besides the potential to bully or be bullied. It also creates a pattern of “trying on” different ways of being. You may notice your teen begin to dress a certain way, or to walk or talk a different way. They may suddenly want to listen to totally different music than they did yesterday. Or they may suddenly develop different hobbies or interests, or perhaps a totally different group of friends.

As annoying as some of these behaviors can be, as you can tell the teen is being completely inauthentic to who they actually are, it is important that the parent not criticize these behaviors. The kid needs to feel like they can explore different parts of themselves and figure out who they actually want to be. I remember my niece suddenly talking and standing in a way that was obviously forced and for show. I also remember me having to work hard to hide my annoyance at this. My own teens have had similar behaviors. If a parent is critical of these “trying on” behaviors, they are likely to damage the teens already-fragile sense of self. Of course, if the teen starts to make inappropriate or dangerous choices during this time, these issues must be addressed in a more proactive and protective manner by the parent.

This differentiation process naturally creates increased conflict between teen and parent. Kids in this stage of life develop a physical irritation they often feel when their parents speak, attempt to interact with them, or even merely breath, in some cases. This irritated sensation within their bodies is natural and makes the eventual “flying of the nest” a more tolerable and natural-seeming progression for the teen, and sometimes for the parent as well.

As a parent, the struggle can be, how much do we tolerate this behavior? I think the answer lies in drawing a line at disrespect. So, while our teen may choose to spend more time in his room, opt not to be with the family as much, or seems more easily annoyed with us, we can set a boundary that disallows disrespectful behavior. Allowing some protesting of rules is OK, but as a general rule it will become a problem if the parent allows behavior that lacks respect to the parent. If this occurs, the teen is likely to escalate the disrespectful behavior more and more to the point of there being a lack of ability for the parent to be in charge of the household.

So, while it is important to understand that it’s natural for your child to be more easily irritated with you, it is also very appropriate to provide a consequence for her talking back, calling you a name, or refusing to do something you’ve asked of her, to name a few examples.

The other issue that differentiation often creates is a sense that parents just “don’t get it.” While you probably used to be the smartest person on the planet in their eyes, suddenly you’ve become the dumbest. You may find your advice rejected and even criticized, but then when that same advise is offered by a teacher, a friend’s parent, or a peer, all of a sudden, it’s the smartest thing they’ve ever heard. EXPECTING your teen not to value your opinions will save you a lot of frustrations during this time of development.

Also, if a parent can learn to provide an opinion but then not push the opinion on the child, the parent may find that often the child exhibits of verbal rejection of the idea, but then may implement that very suggestion in their own time. If this happens, it is wise for the parent to REFRAIN from pointing out that the teen is doing exactly what they had suggested. Rather, just sit back and understand that, while your teen may ACT like you are the stupidest person on the planet, at their core they know that you are not and still find it wise to follow your advice, as long as they don’t give you the satisfaction of acknowledging they are doing so. Know that, while this is annoying, it is temporary. Once their differentiation process is complete, they will once again return to seeking your advice and being confident enough in who they are to openly accept and value it.

Remember that this lack of ability to show these things right now is simply due to their own insecurities, and not to any real fracture in your relationship with them or any change in how they think or feel about you (except the natural and temporary change due to this developmental process). In other words, they will return to their previous state of being close and connected with you and treating you with value, especially if you can demonstrate understanding during this challenging process they are going through. Remember, they don’t understand it any more than you do!

I know patience during this time can be difficult to muster. But I encourage you to struggle through it. Use your spouse, your family and friends, and the other parents of teens to help you. Keep in mind that this is a temporary time in your child’s life. If you handle it well, you will have your sweet and NORMAL child back one day! Yes, he or she will be an adult version of that child, but the seeming-alien that was present in the teen years WILL go away, and the little human you have always cherished will return!

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. For more articles like this, subscribe to her website at www.meetme4therapy.com.

Ms. Whitson can be reached by email at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.