Pelosi and The Bully Paradox

America LOVES bullies.

There. I’ve said it. I’ve finally said it. Despite all the public condemnations these past few years during our country’s bullying epidemic, America still LOVES bullies. And our country continues to support, defend, encourage, protect, admire, even respect them. No, we don’t want to admit it, but we do, we really do.

Sure, we Americans like fair play, justice, and liberty for all, but we also LOVE rugged individuals who buck the system. You know, those rogues, rebels, mavericks, upstarts who ignore established rules, then make up their own rules. More importantly, we admire their own gutsy creativity when they defy authority in order to get what they want.

Bullies do whatever it takes to get things done, no matter how many people they hurt, no matter how many institutions they destroy. That’s how they roll. That’s how they get things done. And that’s why they seem so heroic to people who follow the rules but can’t get anything done. Bullies always get results. While we might condemn their methods, we often admire the results. Then we excuse the behaviors that yielded such results. Why? Because bullies make things happen.

Bullies go after what they want and usually get it. That’s why so many rule-followers adore these rule-breakers: they’re pro-active. They get things done; they get what they want. What’s not to love?

America loves bullies so much that voters actually elected one to be President in 2016. And yet, First Lady Melania — wife of our bully-in-chief — chose an anti-bullying campaign to be her pet project. (How often does irony like that meet up with such abject surrealism?) She also chose an oddly memorable slogan: “Be Best.”

Bad slogan, though. It should have been “Be Best — Be The Best Bully You Can Be and Someday You Too Will Be President of the United States.” Too long? Maybe. Maybe too much to squeeze on all those anti-bullying buttons and tee-shirts. Or maybe it just feels too un-American to admit there’s a bona fide bully in the Oval Office now.

Trump’s comprehension and subsequent Modus Operandi of bullying cannot be denied. He uses psychological tactics of coercive cruelty to bully the way the military uses force multipliers to win wars. So he gets it. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He knows how to play the game, and he’s ruthlessly effective at it.

Trump knows how this dynamic works. He understands that once a bully targets you, you lose. No matter what you do, no matter what you don’t do, you’ll lose because you’re the bullied one — not the bully.

Trump knows that the one with the real power in any bullying encounter is the bully. So the bully will always win. Even if it seems that the bully will lose, enough people will end up taking the bully’s side in the dispute and let him get away with whatever he’s said or done to his victim.

Trump knows that the one being bullied only has two choices: to engage with him or not to engage with him. That’s it. More importantly, he understands that his victims will always lose, no matter how much or how little he bullies them.

Oh, you don’t think so? You don’t like my theory and critical analysis, dear readers? Take a good look at what he just did to Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

Ever since Trump’s inauguration in 2017, he’s been taking pot shots at Speaker Pelosi. He’s been publicly mocking and ridiculing her. Not just a mean tweet here and there but a systematic barrage of tweeting and name-calling designed to insult and intimidate her. When Pelosi took it in stride and tried to ignore his personal attacks, he escalated his cruel remarks, in blatant attempts to get her to engage in some kind of public dispute with him. She wouldn’t. So he further escalated his personal attacks and never discontinued them.

His actions fit the legal definition of harassment. In fact, if he and Speaker Pelosi were in a typical business setting and not a political venue, she would easily be able to sue him for creating a hostile — and toxic — work environment. Because so many of Trump’s remarks were sexist in nature, she also could have a case for sexual harassment. But she wasn’t Trump’s employee, she was the Speaker of The House of Representatives. So she continued to brush off his antics.

Trump persisted in calling her “Crazy Nancy” in his mean tweets and at outdoor “press conferences” and public rallies. He couldn’t seem to stop, almost as if he were bullying her to engage in his dysfunctional dance. Pelosi waltzed around him, refusing to dip to his level.

Then POTUS 45 resorted to “Drunk Pelosi.” Or should I say, he stole it from “Jimmy Kimmel Live.” Kimmel’s talk show features a comedy bit called “Drunk Trump.” He takes video of Trump delivering a public speech, then slows the sound way down so it really sounds as if Trump is drunk. Trump and his minions pulled the same trick with Pelosi, only they didn’t do it for humorous effect. They did it to deliberately mislead citizens into believing she was drunk, over-medicated, or seriously ill because she “kept slurring her words.” (What’s wrong with Crazy Nancy? I don’t know, but I hope she gets help.)

Where was the outrage for Trump’s propaganda then? Where was the Republican voice of reason about Trump’s unmitigated personal attacks against Pelosi? No defense for the Speaker of the House was offered by the GOP Think Tank because they were too busy laughing and congratulating their fearless leader.

But Republicans wasted no time in coming up with disingenuous talking points about Pelosi’s “hatred” of Trump. Even the media picked that one up fast. At one press conference, a reporter actually asked the Speaker why she hated Trump so much. She replied she didn’t hate him and took great offense at the question. She said that wasn’t how she was raised, that wasn’t her faith. She admitted she prayed for the country and she prayed for the President. (Note: that’s why Trump slammed her at a recent prayer breakfast for “using religion as a crutch.” He also said she was lying about praying for him simply because he, the Great and Powerful Trump, didn’t believe her.)

As if to pile on more insult to previous insults, his latest lie about Nancy Pelosi is that she was out to impeach him as soon as he got elected! Not true, of course.

And yet, all kinds of video footage show her being gracious to Trump. Pelosi continually emphasized the importance of working with the President for the good of the country. When questioned about impeachment, she repeatedly said the ballot box would be a more effective way of removing Trump from office. In fact, members of her own party sharply criticized her because she DIDN’T want to impeach Trump. But because she didn’t engage with Trump as he’d wanted, he built up a distorted, inaccurate image of her with his lies. He knew that after 3 years of needling Crazy Nancy, she would eventually react somehow to his behavior… and when she did, he’d be ready. Once she finally responded, he would undermine her valid reaction to further impugn her character.

And that’s exactly what happened during his State of the Union address. After all his personal attacks, his refusals to work with Congress, and his lies, she reacted — albeit in an obvious yet understated way. After his address ended, she calmly tore up her copy of his address — which she later called a “manifesto of mistruths.” So finally, she engaged with him.

So now Trump and his crew are denouncing Crazy Nancy as a Crazier Nancy who’s horrible and vicious. Just as planned.

Well played, POTUS 45, well played.

Therein lies the bully paradox. Despite our anti-bullying rhetoric, Americans still have a lot of misplaced sympathy for the bully. Our feelings about bullying definitely are contradictory, though. Yes, we hate bullies. Yes, we denounce them. Yes, we abhor their bullying. And yet, from playground to White House, all the accumulative evidence also shows an undeniable empathy and admiration for the bully — not the bullied. That’s because the bully wields all the power.

Whenever a bully starts to bother you, the immediate reaction is “Ignore him. Don’t pay any attention to him.” But a seasoned bully like Trump inevitably continues — even escalates — his bullying. That’s because he knows people will soon become impatient with the bullied and start empathizing with the bully. As in “What’s wrong with you? Why won’t you defend yourself? If you don’t fight back, you’re just inviting him to keep pushing you around!”

But then if you don’t fight back, you’re reprimanded for being too reactionary. As in “What’s wrong with you? Why did you have to fight back like that? Now you’re just as bad as he is! Now you’re both just as bad!”

So defend yourself from bullying, and you’re branded a bully, too.

Refuse to defend yourself, and you’re branded a weakling.

For the bullied, it’s a no-win situation.

For Trump, another four years of absolute power looms ahead.