Rhinebeck family living with Alzheimer's treasures time together

About seven years ago, Beth Heady of Rhinebeck realized something was off with her husband, Pete Heady. They were taking their eldest son, Riley Heady, to school, when Pete Heady became confused about where they were going.

“Pete was having trouble with directions. I was surprised,” she said. “Every time he pulled out of a certain area, he asked, ‘Which way should I go?’ It wasn’t like him.”

Pete Heady was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in 2014. Since then, his family have worked to provide an unwavering support system. On a typical day, Beth Heady wakes up and gets everything in order, including her husband’s breakfast and medicine. She also makes a to-do list of chores and her husband’s needs for the day. She works full time at Rhinebeck Central School District, so their children, Seamus and Casey Heady, both in their 20s, take over during the day.

“We alternate staying home days of the week to be with him,” Casey Heady said.

Beth Heady said she feels very grateful their children can play such an important role in caring for their father.

“They each have their own kind of gift with him,” she said. “Sometimes, early on, I would be very frustrated and not know what Pete wanted or understand what the confusion was. Seamus was very good at decoding, being patient and figuring out what he needed. Casey, on the other hand, is more of a doer.” Activities she does with her father include taking him to have coffee, painting and spending time outside together.

When the pandemic began, things changed. Instead of working all day, Beth Heady was home, and Pete’s daily routine changed. Seamus Heady said his father struggled to handle the new normal. Everything was changing so quickly that it was hard for him to understand.

“Anything that’s not part of his normal routine throws him off, and it takes some time to adjust to,” he said, adding that his father ultimately made the adjustment.

“Things are getting better now,” he said. “He even asked me today when we went to go get coffee, ‘Am I still supposed to wear my mask?’ ”

Beth Heady said the hardest part is when his decline comes into focus.

“The times where you feel the worst is when you measure loss. That’s hard. If we see something that he wants to do or something that he’s struggling with,” Beth Heady said.

Despite the difficulties, the family finds joy in shared activities. They are avid participants in the Alzheimer’s Association’s virtual social programs. Pete Heady enjoys interacting with other participants and doing activities he’s passionate about. He and Seamus Heady took a multi-week virtual music therapy class offered by the Alzheimer’s Association with Bethel Woods.

“He likes when he can bring new music to the group and share songs. He used to play mandolin for hours every day,” Seamus Heady said. “He doesn’t really do that anymore, but they’ve supported him and encouraged him to bring it out and play what he can, and that’s fun for him.”

Pete and Beth Heady also participated in a virtual art therapy program with Creative Arts Therapist Jayne Henderson, in which participants discussed the emotional response art can evoke, created and shared their own art with the class, and shared music with one another.

When Pete Heady is having a good day, he’ll tell stories, joke around and have fun with his family.

“If we couldn't laugh, we’d probably cry a lot,” Beth Heady said.

Beth Heady said she values the quality time they’ve shared.

“Time with him is invaluable,” Seamus Heady said, “It’s really hard to make any rational decision about how I’m going to invest in my future when I have something in the present that is equally as valuable to me.”

At the end of the day, “[Caregiving] comes down to gratitude.” Beth Heady said. “I’m grateful to keep my family together and just try to make someone’s life comfortable.”

Virtual programs available

A free virtual educational program, Healthy Living for Your Brain and Body, is set for 1 p.m. Wednesday, May 5. This education program is designed for the general public and will provide an opportunity to meet and talk with a volunteer about what it’s like presenting programs for the Alzheimer’s Association. To register or learn more about other programs available, visit alz.org/crf or call the Alzheimer’s Association at 800.272.3900.

About the Hudson Valley Chapter
The Hudson Valley Chapter serves families living with dementia in seven counties in New York, including Duchess, Orange, Putnam, Rockland, Sullivan, Ulster, and Westchester. To learn more about the programs and services offered locally, visit alz.org/hudsonvalley.

About the Alzheimer's Association

The Alzheimer’s Association leads the way to end Alzheimer’s and all other dementia — by accelerating global research, driving risk reduction and early detection, and maximizing quality care and support. Its vision is a world without Alzheimer’s and all dementia. Visit alz.org.