7 Ways Parents Can Stop Themselves From Losing Their Tempers

The other night I visited a friend with twins who were bouncing off the walls crying, "Mommy, mommy play with me!" over and over again at 8 p.m. My friend knew her kids weren't going to fall asleep until around 9:30 p.m. since they had napped that day, so she was a bit stressed and tired.

Then one boy threw a block across the room and broke a glass picture frame. The mom didn't flinch. If it were me, I might have gotten angry.

I see it all time time. One minute we are sweet as can be and the kindest, coolest mommies — the next minute we snap. The other day my boy threw his toy at me from the top of the staircase and clocked me in the nose. Then he insisted on rolling down the stairs head-first and was in hysterics when I told him that was a bad idea. I, on the other hand, got a little upset and lost my patience at that point.

Psychotherapist Donna C. Moss says, "You can find not just your toddler going from 0 to 60 in 10 seconds but yourself as well. This is normal. Not unlike the teenage years, your child is testing you. Be strong! I recall once my toddler running away behind the neighbor's house for the longest 10 minutes of my life. I'm sure I yelled at her instead of saying something perfectly soothing. My nerves were beyond shot."

Today, my three-nager refused to leave our home and go to his multi-sports class. He was a crying mess yelling, "I don't like you!" I really tried to keep it together, especially when he started yelling that he didn't like the color of his socks, but it was so hard. I don't know why I was so insistent on taking him to this class, anyway. I guess the thought of being home with a hysterical three-nager seemed worse.

In any case, I lost my patience again. I snapped at him and even allowed him to fall back on his head as he pushed me away and lost his balance. Of course, I felt like a horrible person who should be locked up, but I had had it and my nerves took over. When we finally got to the class, he was sulking so badly and in the worst mood. He didn't want to participate in the class at all so we finally went home. So much for trying to plan some fun into his life!

Losing your temper can't be good for a child either, right? Dr. Ben Bernstein psychologist and co-writer of the book “Stressed Out! for Parents” says, "At some point every parent loses his or her temper. Parenting is extremely challenging and demanding. Parents are human, they’re not perfect."

At the same time, he says, "When a parent loses his or her temper frequently or becomes extreme (screaming, shaming and hitting), the child will most likely get scared to the point of being traumatized and then will either shut down or act out. The first (shutting down) can lead to anxiety and depression. The second (acting out) can lead to resisting, rebelling and ongoing drama. Extreme or overly frequent parent temper outbursts can become a form of emotional abuse. When a parent loses his or her temper the child needs to understand that the parent is frustrated and angry with the child’s behaviors, not the child herself."

I've ever gone that far, but it's good to know what can happen in extreme cases, which sounds a lot like my own childhood!

Here’s what Moss suggests you do when your temper is about to flare around your kids:

• Slow down the situation in any way possible. Take a break, stretch, pause or breath.
• Be flexible. No place you have to be is that important. I remember when I realized we didn't have to go to every single birthday party! What a relief if your child or yourself is totally overwhelmed.
• Rely on your partner. It's not the 1950s, people. They are there to help us IF WE LET THEM. They can use this time to bond with the child.
• Do not ruminate all day about how you failed your child by blowing up. Just like an athlete needs to get her "head in the game," parents have to stay in the moment in order to master what's happening next. If you're stuck in the past, you can't deal with what is coming up.
• You don't need to always be the PTA mom. I never baked cookies. I did find other ways to plug in. I liked nature walks, and outdoor trips. Do what works for you, not what you think you're supposed to to please others.
• You know your child best. Do not think that others can rule your expectations. Learn from each other. It's a feedback loop. They calmer you are the calmer your child will be. But only you know what he or she needs and what you needs. Listen to that inner voice.
• Motherhood is the hardest job on earth. Get all the support you can and fasten your seatbelt. It's worth the ride.

Bernstein adds, "When parents lose their temper they should learn to recover quickly and explain to the child what just happened (what the kid did and why the parent reacted as they did). A good discussion/negotiation can then take place to make some agreements that will lead to more harmony than discord."

I probably should have talked to my son about why I got upset on the stairs, but I just wanted to move on from the situation and pretend like it never happened, especially when he got into a better mood and started liking me again (over Daddy) later in the day.

The good news is that there are no strikes out when a parent's temper flares. We have to be conscious of our emotions, forgive ourselves and step up to the plate again. And though my boy might have a good arm when it comes to throwing toys, I'll always make him feel like he's safe with us.

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