9 Tips For Finding The Right Babysitter

My kid is almost 3, and I’m still having a hard time finding the right occasional sitter who can be our Mary Poppins when I need a getaway or a cocktail.

I’ve had numerous potential sitters of all ages come over and meet my boy, but he usually sulks in his little couch potato chair and says, “Please go home.” At least he is polite?

The times I’ve left my son with a sitter — or even his "Nana" — he’s in hysterics, crying for me as I shut the door. He even tears up if I leave him with his sweet dad — and that man can play hide and seek with him for hours without a break!

I do admit that I’m a stay-at-home-mom with a few trust issues, and maybe my kid senses my discomfort. And yes, if I had left him with sitters as a baby so he got used to the idea, we wouldn't be in this predicament.

Either way, I would love to schedule a few more date nights with my husband, shopping-therapy outings and coffee breaks during the day — so it’s time for me to line up some good sitters. To do this, I've enlisted the help of other mom-experts for some advice so that I might come up with an action plan for myself and others relating to my sensitive sitter search.

These were some of their tips:

#1 Get real with yourself.

You might believe you want a babysitter, but are you clear about when you might need someone and how much you’re willing to pay for their services? You might be telling yourself that you need a sitter, but haven’t fully committed to the idea and financial commitment involved. Yes, I'm guilty! Unless you are sure and straight with yourself, you will be going in circles trying to land the right sitter. No one will feel right and nothing will work out. Sit with yourself and really meditate on what you’re looking for they type of sitter who you might be comfortable with before you move forward.

#2 Talk to moms like you.

You can ask a million moms for sitter recommendations, but if they don’t share your values and level of scrutiny, their referrals might not be right for your family. Make sure you check in with moms who can understand and have been through your level of anxiety about the situation before you ask them for recommendations, and still check other references too, of course.

#3 Ask preschool teachers.

Preschool teachers usually have great recommendations for sitters because they are around childcare experts all day. We sometimes call our son's assistant teacher to babysit, and she's wonderful. Even though my son still cries when I shut the door, I know he’s safe and that he will stop crying eventually and enjoy her company. I just need to bite my lip, gather my courage and leave for a few hours! Unfortunately she only babysits on weekends, so our search continues for other sitters.

#4 Know what to look for.

Mom and psychotherapist Sarah Evans suggests you look for a sitter who has “atunement" to your child. This describes the process of connecting moment to moment to your child’s emotional state and needs.

"Notice if your sitter's tone, energy level and the volume of their speech matches with your child," says Evans. "For example, if your child is sitting and playing quietly does the sitter get down to her level and interact quietly too? You also want a sitter who is going to be empathic to your child being upset and work to calm them down and distract them, as opposed to becoming frustrated or telling them to stop crying."

#5 Think long term.

Evans also says that if you’re looking for a sitter, you want to find someone who can be around long term and regularly, because a young child depends on a secure relationship in order to feel secure himself. Ideally, if you’re hiring a sitter, it’s best to find someone who can stop by on a regular basis. This will promote a secure relationship between the sitter and your child, and security is what leads to healthy emotional and physical development.

#6 Schedule some dry runs.

Spend a couple of hours with your potential sitter and your child to see how they do together. "I recommend having a dry run where you spend a couple hours with this person," says Evans. "You’re around, so you can see the interactions and give help if help if needed. It allows you to see, this person interact overtime which can help you chose."

I have weeded out many (maybe too many!) potential sitters this way. Your kid might not bond or connect with anyone if you're around though, so try having them do a crafts activity together or go to the park.

#7 Invest in the relationship.

If you invest in a regular long-term babysitter for your child, you need to invest in your relationship with them too. Evans suggest that you make it a priority to form a relationship with your babysitter. "Connect to her a little bit about her life and also make sure to connect around your child," she says.

"Share excitement over discoveries you make and ask about discoveries that she makes. That kind of relationship allows room for dialogue when there is a challenge, like transitioning between activities or toilet training. One practical way to do this is to text or FaceTime briefly when your child is with the sitter. Forming this relationship will alleviate your anxiety in general about someone else caring for your child."

#8 Trust your gut.

I have come across several smart, accomplished moms who have admitted that they didn't trust their gut when it came to their kid's caregivers in the past and have hired the wrong people. It's so important to sit down with yourself in a quiet place and do a gut check before you have someone care for your children. If you have any misgivings or bad feelings about a person you're about to hire — even if on paper he or she might be perfect — think twice about your hire.

#9 Do it!

Not only is it good for you to schedule some breaks and solo outings, but it’s good for your child to experience the care of others too. Evans says, "It’s normal [for parents] to feel anxious about trusting someone else to care for your child, but if you find the right person, it also could provide a growing experience with your child to become comfortable with another trustworthy adult."

So that is my plan, and I'm sticking to it. I might need to reread my kid's book, "That Little Engine that Could," and recite the words "I think I can, I think I can." with him a few more times before we find our Mary Poppins. But, I know she or he is out there, and I will be adding a few more fun, adult-only outings to my calendar soon so I can be a better and more relaxed parent.

Cheers and Namaste!

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