Dealing With Mean Streaks In Children

The other day, I was at a party with some mom friends and our little 3- and 4-year-olds. It started out great with cupcake decorating and playful kids running around together. I was enjoying my time chatting with my mom friends, too. But then, at one point, I looked over and caught my son being cornered by two boys with play swords who were about to push him off a couch.

My son was trying to hold his ground and act tough, but he didn’t have a chance. My mommy instincts kicked in, and I swooped in to intervene. My kid was not a perfect angel that day either. Earlier at the party, he and a friend were trying to steal another kid's balloon.

While this behavior all seems innocent and normal, it still does make me curious: Why do some sweet kids seem to develop a mean streak at a certain age? I also wondered whether other moms thought about this new "mean" stage of life our kids are experiencing.

Mom Kathy attributes it to kids experimenting with boundaries. "A lot of their behavior is testing boundaries, both with parents and with other kids and seeing how people will respond if they act a certain way," she says. "As far as ganging up on other kids, there is a real pack mentality that gives kids a sense of power."

On the other hand, mom Tea doesn't think this is a behavior unique to kids. "It's part of being human, and a part we have work and teach ourselves and others to control," she says. "The scene you witnessed is played out not only by children but by adults in households, offices, bars, cars, game fields, restaurants, etc."

There's no doubt that this is true. Just yesterday, a man almost ran my husband over at a cross-walk, and then flipped him the bird. Yes, adults can be mean, and there are too many examples of this in the world.

Mom Nora tells me there was a "mean" girl in her daughter's pre-kindergarten. But when she saw the negative interactions between the child and her mother during drop-off one morning, she had a big "ah ha" moment. "It was still tough navigating how to teach my daughter to stand up for herself, but to also maybe give this girl a second chance," Nora says. "Not sure I got it down right, but by the end of the year, it seemed like they were playing much better together."

Clearly, parents' personalities can play a big role in shaping a child's interactions with other kids. But from what I can tell, all the parents at the party were good people and regularly teach their kids to be kind. So what's really happening here?

Katie Hurley is a licensed clinical social worker and the author of "The Happy Kid Handbook" and "No More Mean Girls." She assures me that toddlers and preschoolers are not intentionally unkind to others — they just don't know any better yet.

"The important thing to remember is that their brains are under construction and they have a lot to learn about social interaction skills, emotion regulation and coping with their feelings. They tend to be a bit impulsive at this age," Hurley says. "They see an interesting toy and grab for it because they haven’t yet mastered delayed gratification. Kids in this age group can have a tendency to grab or use other physical actions to get their needs met when they struggle to communicate their needs (or wants) to others."

Who can blame kids? This sounds like a lesson many of us are still trying to figure out all through adulthood, too. In any case, there are some ways to navigate this stage of life, according to Hurley:

Get Them to Talk

Frustration tolerance can be lacking at this age because preschoolers don’t always have the communication skills to express what they’re feeling. Narrating their experiences and checking for clarification can help them learn to do this.

Stay On Message

A gentle reminder can go a long way toward helping them work on this skill. Parents can say things such as, "I see that you’re really interested in that toy. Let’s wait together for your turn to play with it."

Keep it Positive

Positive discipline is essential. Kids aren’t trying to hurt or upset others — they're learning how to relate and communicate, which takes some time. When kids are yelled at, spanked or shamed for their behaviors, they learn that yelling and physical consequences are the solution to perceived problems. This creates a cycle where kids repeat these “interventions” with others. To curb physical and verbal aggression with peers, parents should practice positive parenting strategies at home.

Being mean doesn't end as a child grows up, unfortunately. Bullying is prevalent in almost all elementary age groups today and even in high school. Moms weighed in on handling bullying when kids get a little older:

Have the Discussion Over and Over

According to mom Kathy, communicating with your kids is the only way to really stop the behavior. "We talk to our kids a lot about bullying — not only how they shouldn't do it, but how it's their responsibility to not let other kids do it," she says. "They should stand up for the kid who is being bullied. My middle child has told me stories of times he has reached out to kids who are hurting and believes that it is his job to do so."

Keep At It and Stay Strong

Tea says, "This behavior is located firmly in our species. We constantly need to work at making sure bullying and mean behaviors do not fly unchecked. It's a lifelong endeavor."

Look for Unmet Needs

Michelle says, "The best parenting advice I was ever given was, 'Look for the unmet need.' I think kids are either being mistreated or witnessing someone being mean to someone else in the home — possibly on videos they're watching, but usually firsthand. If there's tension in the home, they're likely to offload it onto someone else. They have an unmet need for unconditional positive regard, and are surely imitating someone else."

While our group play date did sort of end on a sour note, it is reassuring to learn that 4-year-olds don't necessarily have mean bones in their bodies, yet. In the meantime, all we can do is keep teaching them positive lessons such as be kind to your friends always and use gestures like thumbs up — instead of middle fingers.

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