Here's Why Time-Outs Aren't Working On Your Children

There are certain forms of discipline that I believe should end immediately. First is the "shush." An older lady shushed my child at a birthday party recently when he pretended to be a growling monster, and he cried for 20 minutes straight saying she hurt his feelings.

Another method used by almost every mom and nanny I see is the time-out. Every other day I hear something like, “If you don’t stop yelling, you’re getting a time-out and sitting by yourself in the corner!”

Yes, we are frustrated, exhausted and on edge when our kids don't listen to basic asks like, "Can you put your coat on?" and use shrieking as a form of communication. I get it. Still, the controversial time-out always felt harsh and cold to me. Plus most parents say the practice doesn’t work well anyway, so why not find a more loving way to end a meltdown?

In the PBS article, Why You Should Never Use Timeouts on Your Kids, British Columbian child psychologist Vanessa LaPointe says that 9 times out of 10, kids develop behavioral issues because of time-outs. “It takes the core need of the child (like emotional attachment) … and uses it as a bargaining chip,” she says. However, she also goes on to say that punishment in any form is harmful to a child, which is a subject you probably don't want to bring up at holiday dinner.

"Zero to Five" author Tracy Cutchlow points to studies showing that kids who are punished in this way have a harder time internalizing moral lessons. She says, “Internalizing is what allows kids to act morally when no one is looking. The kids fear getting in trouble, but instead of acting in a different way, they try not to get caught. It hurts your relationship with your child. And when they’re teens, that relationship is your main, maybe only, source of influence.”

The other morning I saw a mom break out in tears at a toddler gym class when her toddler refused to listen to her or the instructors. "It's been such a rough week." she shared. To me, it looked like the more she made demands on him and threatened time-outs, the more he resisted.

Linda and Ty Hatfield have a lot of empathy for children and for parents. They run amazing parenting workshops and classes and are authors of a new book called, Parentshift - Ten Universal Truths That Will Change The Way You Raise Your Kids.

The Hatfields are with me on ending the time-out once and for all and tell me that the effects of this archaic method actually resembles physical pain in brain scans.

"Time-outs are really forced isolation," explains Linda. "It's an emotional spanking that damages your relationship with your child and lowers their self-esteem. The time-out also makes them stuff their feelings in their body, where it will pop up again, even stronger."

Today my toddler had a couple of tantrums that were beyond challenging. My husband and I were planning to go on a train ride with him as an afternoon activity. Our son wanted to go, but only with Mommy. He hysterically cried, "Not Daddy!" over and over. I wasn't feeling well and needed my husband's help on this train, so I really did almost lose it. I'll even admit that I kept telling him that I would leave the house if he kept crying, which got him scared. That's probably just as bad as a time-out!

"The problem is a lot of people don't understand developmental stages and temperament traits of children," Linda says. "Tantruming is a natural part of development and a result of your child's under developed neuro pathways between his survival brain and frontal lobe. When your child is triggered, he will at times have challenges self-regulating his overwhelming feelings of anger and frustration.

"A child will also tantrum if he is hungry, tired or frustrated and powerless," she adds. "So we end up giving a time-out on behaviors that are normal for a child's age. Plus let's remember their frontal lobe is immature and they are not spending a lot of time there. Children spend a lot of time in midbrain and survival brain where whiny and cranky live, and why tantrums occur."

When your child comes undone, the Hatfields offer some alternative solutions to the time-out:

Self-calm with sensory methods

Create a space with sensory experiences, coloring and music. Sight, sound and smell help soothe the survival brain, where they are operating from.

Put yourself on pause

You don't have to handle everything once the tantrum hits. You can take three deep breaths instead of reacting, and wait until you are in your frontal lobe too.

Don't take it personally

Sometimes we take your child's behavior personally and it becomes revenge of some kind. Remember your child is just trying to figure out his world and this has nothing to do with you.

Stop talking

Never try to communicate with a child while they are in their survival brain and are having a tantrum. They call it, "Stop, Drop, Zero Talk." When you see them calming down, which could anywhere from two minutes to a few hours, then you can brainstorm ideas about what they can do instead of hitting Mom, when they can hear it.

Life with a toddler is wonderful and ridiculously hard at the same time, but try to stay patient and loving and know that by the age of 5-6 you all might be in the clear.