How To Accept And Embrace Having Only One Child

I was sure I was "one and done" after giving birth to my now 3-and-a-half-year old. My husband's grandparents would bluntly say, "Start working on number two now!" only a few months after he was born. But my husband and I just giggled to ourselves — because, well, that wasn't happening!

For all the reasons you've heard before and more, we were set with our threesome pack and the list was convincing:

1. We are older parents. I was 40 and my husband was 47 when my son was born.

2. It was hard enough for me to get pregnant the first time after one failed IVF treatment.

3. Children are expensive. We are both freelancers and free spirits and want to be able to fully provide for one child.

4. My husband only wanted one child, especially after a rough sibling experience with his brother who bullied him.

5. We both felt blessed and happy with one baby, which was a handful in itself!

6. We were tired.

Fast forward three years and, while we are content, part of me wants another child. I am about to turn 44. Maybe my last eggs are calling me, my hormones are kicking or I'm just delusional. Of course, it’s too easy to miss those adorable baby thighs and snuggles — especially when your kid won’t sit still long enough to give you a high-five.

I reached out to some moms on a forum and found out that I wasn’t alone:

One mother, Kinsey, says, "I definitely have experienced the sadness of 'one and done.' Our issue was more financial, accepting that two would be an enormous struggle, while we can provide a great life for one. I’ve started to get over it but it was tough for a time."

Another mom, Laura, adds, "My husband and I are mostly happy being 'one and done.' However, I can't shake the guilt that I may be making a mistake by stopping at one. I come from a big family, and of course there's pressure to have another. My child has always wanted a sibling, and I feel guilty for not giving that to him. I honestly think that having a second child would have a negative impact on our family right now. But then I worry about the future and if I'm going to regret the decision."

"By the time I was ready for a second, I was 41 and we tried for six months," says Dana. "At one point, I told my husband that I felt like we were done. And we accepted that we had gotten married later in life and that this was just the downside and that we had our beautiful girl, and that was more than enough."

A mom I know in my neighborhood who has an 8-year-old child told me she went through the same thing I'm going through when her son turned 4. Now, however, she's feeling good about her decision to have one child and doesn't regret a thing.

Laura adds, "I love being a parent of just one kid. Honestly, I couldn't picture my life with two. But the guilt! Gah. I think motherhood just comes with a big load of it no matter what your circumstance." Ain't that the truth.

Kristen had a difficult pregnancy at 39, and doing it all again seemed daunting. "By the time my son was 3, I knew I couldn't do it again," she explains. "I grieved for a long time, blamed myself, blamed my husband. My son is 17 now, and we've had a great run. Honestly, the things we've been able to do easily and somewhat effortlessly would have been extremely difficult with another child, for financial, as well as practical reasons. My son is going away to college in August and he often thanks us for NOT giving him a sibling. Now that's something I never could have predicted."

Feelings can change on a dime and mine might soon. But if they don't, obviously there are some other options if we want to expand our family. We can foster or adopt. We can also go in a completely different route and get a pet. (I have a friend who recently got a coup of chickens to take her mind off of having a second child and it seems to be working.)

In any case, I know I will make peace with our decision to have one child, even if it is a decision that chose us in the end. Knowing that you're not in control of your destiny and that everything happens for a reason, might piss you off — but it can also make you feel better if you let it.

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